:dubious:
And why are the women going out with the men? Is that charity on their part? Insert appropriate WC Fields joke here.
To bring you up to date, we saw each other again at the write-in Saturday. I played it pretty cool, mostly working on my manuscript and occasionally licking my eyebrows.
We’re going out Friday.
Good luck!
Nice!
I had just come in to say that to me, as a female, offering a raincheck is the opposite of a rejection. It’s a ‘Hey, bad time right now, but let’s see what happens later, ok?’
I’ve always wondered how to tactfully say a flat out ‘no thanks’ without embarassing everyone. Luckily, only people who don’t know me at ALL ask out of the blue, and it’s easier saying ‘Sorry, you’re not my type’ to them than to someone I will see every day. People I see every day already know I’m interested, if I am. I’m pretty obvious.
But guys…what do YOU consider a firm but polite ‘no’? I mean, not in so many words? Or in more words, really…Just a ‘Sorry, but I’m not interested’ and that’s it? Would that be the best thing to hear?
What’s your favorite rejection, I guess is what I’m asking here. 
Woohoo, good for you and good luck!
I told that to someone I’d just met, because, yep, I’d just moved to this new place because of my then-fiancee and we’d JUST ended it. So I was in a new place, not sure if I liked it, not really in the mood to meet people. We both went away for the summer, and I tore his pants off the moment we got back. It was a couple of good years after that 
So…you just never know. 
I like you as a friend, but I am not interested romantically.
Dear god, I’ve had some spectacularly bad reactions to that one!
The usual response is "I have enough friends, if you don’t want to fuck, then fuck you!"
Which, while illogical, is clear and means we are Not Going To Stay Friends.
And the whole stalker routine, where “we’re friends right?”, so I should spend (all my spare) time with him because we’re “Friends” even though he spends every moment we’re together (David, I’m talking about you here - and you too Paul, and wotsyername) dropping heavy hints about how we should be, "you know, more than friends."
And I swear to you, I’ve only ever said it when I liked the guy, but wasn’t interested romantically.
Any other options that will be taken to mean “No Dating, No Fucking, but I think you’re a decent human being.” ?
I would hope it would be the default for any rejection. It would suck if you assumed rejection meant that you were a horrible human being. Yuck.
But if you mean what I think you mean, then I can’t think of any. It’s hard to communicate that you would be fine just being friends, as long as they don’t pressure you romantically again.
Plus, if you’re like me, it’s not necessarily easy to not come off as not trying to date someone if you find them attractive. I’ve had it happen at least three times in my life.
I know, it happens to both genders that if you’re crushing hard on someone, you want to read every ‘no’ as a ‘maybe’.
I don’t think I’m anything special in that an outright rejection has caused a retaliation based on hurt feelings or that sometimes the old chestnut is true: you gotta be cruel to be kind.
But if there were some magic set of words that let the other party down firmly but gently, I would use them and spread them far and wide.
Well, sparing feelings is a noble goal, but you don’t want the poor clueless fellow pining after you. If you can get away with a white lie, I’d suggest “Sorry, but I’m sort of seeing someone.” Most men respect that. If they come back with the whole “what your man got to do with me” line, you’ve identified a jerk to whom you may be as blunt as you wish 
My pet theory:
Women are often conditioned to be polite, even in situations where it would be socially acceptable for them to be blunt. That is combined with experiences like Even Sven’s anecdote- being blunt isnt any guarantee the guy will get the point.
The other half to this is some guys. Some guys can take a hint, others cant. In my experience, the guys who dont need everything spelled out have a big advantage in the dating scene. The ambiguous turndown used to bug me, but not anymore. The way I see it now it saves face.
If a woman asked for a raincheck on me when I asked her out Id be fine with it- but if she was really interested she can follow up and call me back when shes available.
Semi-related story time:
My friend has been going out on a few dates lately, and had the following experiences:
- A cute guy who she had just met a few minutes prior in a bar asked her out for a specific day, say Friday evening. She was interested, but she told me that her thought process was basically 'Friday? cool…uh, no, I work Friday night [she’s a nurse, works shift work], ummm…work nights Saturday, I’m out of town Mon-Tues-Wed for that conference, work days Thurs Fri night Sat Sun…I think I’m free the following Monday…" what she said out loud was just “…um”. [in other words, just because she didn’t reply with a specific time right away didn’t mean she wasn’t interested!]
He didn’t take it very well and blew up at her, going on and on about how bitches go out to bars to get laid but then turn down hot guys who ask them out and how cruel they were and yadda yadda. Her interest immediately waned, obviously, and she was able to tell him to fuck off.
- She went on a date with another guy, a late evening meet-up after she’d been up for 22 hours (16h work shift) on 3 hours sleep (12 hour shift the day before). It went well, but she was tired and was perhaps less attentive than usual. His text messages the next couple of days involved things like “you don’t listen when I talk, because you asked the same thing twice” and “you’re always blaming things on being tired, but maybe you’re just rude and a bad listener” (“bad listener” is not something anyone who knows my friend would use to describe her. He criticized everything she did and was projecting all kinds of rude behaviours onto her, even implying that she’d be bad in bed because she doesn’t pay attention to his wants.
After defending herself for a bit, she simply told him “this isn’t going to work out. I thought things were going well, but you are too aggressive and critical, and I don’t see this working out. Good luck”.
She was then bombarded with dozens of whiny “why are you doing this to me!?!?” texts until she blocked his number.
So… don’t necessarily overthink a “maybe some other time” response; sometimes it really means “maybe some other time”. Also, don’t be a controlling asshole who feels he’s somehow owed a relationship/sex just because he had the courage to ask a girl out. 
It all depends how she said it and woman are more likely to respond positively if you can make them laugh. What I did on this situation as we emailed back and forth. I ask her on a Friday evening date and her response was Id take a rain check but she’s free Saturday…Ok my short response was. Ill make you deal Saturday will make it official but I only take cash and I said you’re going to owe me with a long kiss along with cash with a smiley face. Obviously made her laugh she response with naughty smiley face along with saying her plumbing its not on service. Again I play around with making her laugh and my response was Ill do her plumbing for free I happen to know plumbing with naughty smiley. She got quiet. Then responded with laughing smiley. I responded with naughty smiley and laughing smiley. Later that evening was surprise she texted me to come over because she’s all alone and her teenage daughter had spend the night with the boyfriend…so the moral of this dating is try to make a woman laugh and guaranteed you get laid. Happy dating…
For anyone who’s gotten this far in the thread, the vote was 15-11 in favor of StusBlues trying again, at the point when he came back to thread to announce he had gotten a date.
Of course, that was five years ago, so the real question is, “if a zombie gives an ambiguous answer, should I try again?”
Why does she “owe you” when all she did was say she was busy one night, and offered an alternative day?
Do not do this. You’ll just get another vague answer. The second turndown means “No”.
In my misguided youth, I worked in a shoe store. I kept asking this one co-worker out, and, got the ol’ “busy this week”, “studying”, etc… I actually asked her something along the lines of what you suggested. I didn’t want to waste my time OR bother her. I got “Oh, no, I’m just busy this week…”
About a week later, the manager came to me and lectured me about sexual harassment, and how I was ‘bothering’ her.
In general if the woman doesn’t propose a better time then it’s a polite kiss off.
I can’t suggest a great rejection, but regarding the rain check, I would regard it as a possible/almost probable rejection unless a “how about you call me tomorrow (or next week, or something in the very near future) and we can plan something” or something similarly positive, is added to it. “…but let’s see what happens later…” is too ambiguous to me.
One of the toughest things is when you really are interested, and really do have another commitment. If it’s someone I don’t know that well, like someone who is new in town, but going to my synagogue, or someone I have a class with (keep in mind, I’ve been married for 15 years, so this is what I used to do), I’d say as earnestly as I could, “Please do call me again.” About half of them would. Sometimes I’d invite them somewhere on my own-- I wasn’t afraid to ask a man out, and I have dated a few women. 15 years ago, a lot of men still didn’t like women who were forward enough to ask them out, so I pretty much called only men who hadn’t gotten that I was serious with “Please ask again.”
If he was someone I knew fairly well, and had suddenly become interested in, I’d just call myself. If he was a friend and we’d made plans to do things together before, no big deal.
But it’s tough for a woman. I never gave a man, so to speak, false hope, but I think some men thought that’s what I was doing. If I said no, I wasn’t available for that, with no reason, it meant I wasn’t available to go with you. It always bummed me out when some men I thought would make good friends went and asked me out, and then it messed up the friendship dynamics.