Wife and I are separating and divorcing. It’s not going well. I most certainly wasn’t looking for a situation like this now. My plan was to sort out everything in the coming weeks then have a clean break and new start by February.
Then said colleague comes along and initiates frequent close contact. I’ll readily admit that I loved having her attention and company. I felt valued, which isn’t something I’ve been able to say a lot in the past few years. What’s that line about life being what happens when you’re busy making other plans ? And for those who still want to be posted on this, she messaged me on Friday night and we’ve exchanged a dozen friendly and funny emails since then.
This is what I’ll do.
I don’t need drama right now, for the reasons I’ve pointed out. I’m sure that she doesn’t either and I’d love to have her as a friend, too. If she’s using me unconsciously, that’s fine, because her presence and attention is also doing me a lot of good. To be clear, I wasn’t really looking for advice on what to do, although they’re welcome. I was asking for possible explanations for her behaviour. But thanks to you all. It feels good to write about it and reflect on your comments. I have a lot of things to process and work out.
First I’ll get my life in order, then see what happens.
OP, I don’t think you’re making this all up. But I’m really finding it hard to believe you asked this question in good faith. Surely you realized your marital status could be relevant in trying to pick apart the motives of a woman who seemed to be attracted to you but was holding back? What were you hoping to accomplish by asking us to help you make sense of a situation while holding back what might be the single most pertinent piece of information?
I was asking the question in good faith. But I posted a mere 2h after the “elusive someone” conversation and couldn’t think clearly. Not one of my best-thought-out thread.
I think I owe you all a clarification thread. I’ll try and start one soon. Again, thanks for your input.
You’ve gotta stop all the hinting and flirting and BE DIRECT. I would bet she is not interested in a real relationship with you, but she LOVES the extracurricular attention from you. I had a woman who came on to me just like this before. Had an on-and-off boyfriend who she never wanted to discuss and flirted and teased with me constantly. If it’s like that situation, it will never progress beyond teasing. She is using you.
I think Sterling Archer is right. The OP says he wants no drama right now. In that case, clarify the situation with said young lady and concentrate on ending one relationship before even thinking of starting another. Unless you have an amazingly high tolerance for emotional pain and stress. Leave the drama to the thespians.
Good luck, OP, both in your friendship with this woman and with your divorce.
My initial impression was that maybe she doesn’t have enough to do, especially after you said that she told you that she’d be getting busy soon - perhaps she was in a lull workwise and just killing time and enjoyed your company. Anyway, I’m glad you’ve settled on a course of action.
The OP enjoys her company, and it seems that both of them are “using” the other. And he’s going through a divorce. So it seems like letting things continue as they have been is the best course for now.
I completely agree with this. I’ve experienced and seen a lot of men treat women pretty badly during and immediately after a divorce. I don’t think it was intentional, more like a kid-in-a-candy-store syndrome. It sounds like this woman has already had a recent painful experience. Making things worse is that it’s in your workplace. What if things got out-of-hand and all of a sudden your job is at risk? HR isn’t going to side with you if she gets pissed off.
I have a bad feeling the OP will have his direct “Would you like to go out with me Saturday?” answered with the indirect “I can’t that night.” Took me many years to realize that that doesn’t mean “Ask me out for another night.” but rather “No”
If someone asks me out for some night I can’t make, and I really WANT to go out with them, I counter with another night in the same conversation where I turn down that night.
Yup. Or I’ll suggest some other activity if the original proposal doesn’t work or appeal for whatever reason OTHER than ‘I don’t want to spend time with you.’
It’s like trying to start any conversation: if the other party makes just the minimum response, they’re not interested in talking to you and you should leave them alone. If they add on ‘extra’ info, they’re willing to talk.
It’s the difference between:
“Is this the line for the bagpipe concert tickets?” “Yes.”
and
“Is this the line for the bagpipe concert tickets?” “Yes. I can’t wait to finally see the Podunkville Pipers in person.”
Tell her your situation and bluntly ask for hers – despite the “Don’t ask me about him right now” request. Then you can figure out if there’s even a reason to speculate about the future. Then go from there.
Right around the time I was getting tired of (and scared away from) a relationship I met someone who just enchanted me. A week later a mutual friend let me know she was interested in meeting for coffee and, when asked, informed me she had recently dropped a relationship. Two weeks later, I broke up with my long-time girlfriend and a week after that I asked the new girl to a movie. We hit it off great, spent weeks meeting in the evenings and having these super-deep conversations and we seemed really REALLY compatible. When I realized I was falling for her I told her about it and received, “Sorry, but I just don’t see you that way.”
She wasn’t stringing me on or anything; we really were compatible and she was very engaging but she was interested in nothing more than the conversations. She even wanted to continue meeting and chatting but I couldn’t keep my thoughts from turning romantic any time I saw her. Eventually I told her to leave me alone.
[There’s more complexity to the tale, but the current situation is that I’m married, living in a different town, and have no idea what ever happened to Her.]
Excuse me for crossing this over into Cafe Society, but ya gotta take Rik Emmett’s advice…
It’s the same old story
Once again
You turned a lover into
Just another friend
I wanna love you
I wanna make you mine
Won’t you
Lay it On the Line
…–Rik Emmett (Triumph)
…Lay It On The Line
…Just A Game
Go listen to it. Maybe play it for her and ask what she thinks.
–G!
How can you decide where to go if you don’t know where you stand?
A woman that straightforward in finding ways to talk to you at work like you describe would not suddenly turn meek wait for you to ask her out.
She wants a friendship, nothing more. If you are OK with that, let it be what it is.
If she ever decides she wants it to be more, she will find as many ways to tell you as she has found excuses to speak French with you. Let her make the move.
UPDATE : I’M AN IDIOT AND I’M DESERVEDLY GOING TO CRASH AND BURN
It’s been about a month since I last posted but it’s been a heck of a month.
My coworker, let’s call her Sandra, kept on spending hours in my office on a daily basis for three full weeks, culminating in mid-December with the following events.
One Monday spent doing absolutely nothing but talk, alternating between my office and hers.
A company event on the following Tuesday night for which she picked me up by car. The purpose of these events is to meet new colleagues and mingle with those you don’t know well. For our part, we spent the whole evening together, joking about the menu, chatting non-stop and generally paying no attention to what was going on around us. People noticed. On that night I realized that, although her body language is usually very defensive, she was leaning towards me the whole time, our knees touching. It was an absolutely delightful evening. We drove back to her place (she happens to live 10 minutes away on foot from my soon-to-be-ex-home) and spent another hour talking. I came home after 2 am. Future-ex-wife was mightily pissed off.
The following Saturday, she sent me a text saying that she was feeling bad (I think I mentioned that she was recovering from a non-life-threatening but at times disabling illness). She had gotten some lab results and they indicated that her treatment was not working that well. I offered to come and see her. She hesitated then meekly said “Yes, please”. We ended up at her place again. As I was about to leave, she seemed to be refraining from asking some favour. After a long deliberation, she said that she wanted a cuddle “but nothing more”. We hugged for over an hour, with the occasional peck on the cheek or in the small of her neck. I was home shortly before midnight. Future-ex-wife pretended not to notice.
Two days later (last Monday), we again spent the whole workday talking. At the end of the day, we drove back to her place. She wanted cuddles again, which soon turned to kisses for over an hour. I was home late. Future-ex-wife pretended not to notice.
Yesterday was again spent mostly with each other apart from a couple of minor meetings. We drove back to her place again. This time the cuddles turned to heavy petting. As I left, I told her I’d send a text to tell her I made it back safely. She asked whether she could text me, too. I said “Yes” :smack:.I was home late. I plugged in my smartphone to recharge the battery but left it turned on :smack:. 15 minutes later my future-ex-wife asked me whether I was seeing someone, then pointed to the long list of texts Sandra and I had exchanged in the past 10 days. None of them were incriminating, but the words “I felt safe with you”, “You’re great”, “We get on so well with each other” and the sheer quantity were damning enough. Future-ex-wife quizzed me for the whole night.
Bottom line : I have to leave home by tomorrow morning. If I don’t, I’ll be kicked out. And. I. Have. Absolutely. No. Place. To. Stay.
The only distant possibility is to stay with my parents (68 and 73, I bet they don’t expect this )
I called Sandra as soon as I left home this morning. She was shocked by the news, then hesitantly allowed me to drop by her apartment. She was willing to listen to what had happened but offered no valuable advice. She very reluctantly said I could stay with her temporarily but it felt clearly half-hearted. I had to go to work, she told me she would join me later. She arrived indeed, just a few minutes before a meeting and was clearly going through the motions : “you’ll be all right”, “we’ll find a solution”, “it will all work out” but the gist of her message was “Look, I’ve also got shit to work out” (which is true, what with her health issues, a story of parental abuse and neglect and a death in the family yesterday).
Oh, by the way, she asked me whether I had done it on purpose to stay late at her place, to cause tensions with my future-ex-wife. I took it to mean that I was responsible for what had happened…
)