It really isn’t a “game” with rules. It’s just that people aren’t machines and are looking for other people who make them comfortable and happy. If you don’t get people, it will take a little longer for you to understand what makes other people comfortable and happy, but it isn’t about playing a game for those people. They aren’t just setting up rules (generally) in order to force you to navigate your way through them. They are just trying to maintain their own level of comfort and happiness.
Why would you need to present it? And why do you consider it an issue? It’s part of your life and who you are. Sure, if the question of jobs or careers comes up, you can just say you’re between jobs right now. I assume it’s temporary disability? Until you can get treatment for the depression and anxiety? But if it never comes up, there’s really no reason to say “oh by the way, I’ve got major anxiety and depression and as such am on Social Security Disability.” Especially not in the first few weeks of getting to know someone. Just present it as something that’s just a fact about you and if you’ve got plans on how to move past that, then possibly talk about those as well. Just be careful of TMI.
That isn’t how I think I would handle it, personally. If asked, I would say, “I am not working right now. I am on disability for depression.”
I wouldn’t make it the first thing out of my mouth, but I would definitely not do anything that might look later like I was attempting to conceal it. It isn’t anything to be ashamed of, but it will be a dealbreaker for some people and you don’t necessarily want to put off finding that out until you’re really in deep.
Let’s be realistic. It will be a deal breaker for nearly everyone. I wouldn’t exactly tell them in the first five minutes but they should know relatively soon so neither one of them waste a bunch of time. When it’s disclosed I would also explain what you are doing in terms of therapy or whatever to change that status.
That’s nice. I dated and lived with a woman for over three who was on disability and I was in my 40’s when we met but it wasn’t for a mental disorder. I still stand by my statement that it would be a deal breaker for nearly everyone.
That’s probably true, but that doesn’t make it make sense for you to dive in too deep with someone just because they seem okay with your being disabled. You get to have standards and you need to, not just “Oh she has a pulse and was willing to cuddle.”
Think about what you are bringing to a relationship, and think about what she is bringing, too.
In this case, agreed. My comment was I took the other remarks as being a general rule.
In regard to the OP and some of the advice about disclosing the depression issue, totally 100% agree about the seeking treatment elements, I may offer a slight twist though.
Do you (the OP) really want to be looking for a relationship at this stage? If so, what are you really looking for? (rhetorical question, be honest with yourself).
Being single isn’t a crime or something to be ashamed about, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. Too often people enter into and stay in substandard relationships because of the perception that it’s better than being single, which is utter bullshit IMO.
My advice would be to focus on yourself and sort your shit out. Relationships require two people to compromise and work together in balance. Is the kind of person you want while you’re depressed the same kind of person you may want when you’re well? Maybe, maybe not.
Sort yourself out, give yourself a chance, see a psych basically get yourself feeling good about you again.
Once you’re feeling good about you, then it’s fair to get other people into the mix.
I don’t want to set up anything for failure or whatnot, but I just want to say - I have frequently not-gotten texts sent by my best friend or husband, and vice-versa. Since we’re all friendly and chatty, it usually goes to the next time we call/see each other with a quick “Why didn’t you respond to my text?” “You texted?” “Stupid phones…”
Sometimes they just don’t arrive. Either your question OR her response could have simply floated off into space somewhere. It’s not impossible.
(Also, I want to fistbump phouka’s first reply too! That was entirely spot-on!)
Have you tried texting her since that last one? I mean, not like asking for the same thing but more so, like ‘wasn’t sure you got my last text, but haven’t heard from you in a while. Is xmas eve still on?’ Not mentioning what was asked, and just seeing how she responds. If she doesn’t respond to that, then I think her answer is pretty clear.
You really just need it to not be a deal breaker for one woman though, right? Please be careful though, since there are women out there who will “accept” your baggage simply because someone with low self esteem and few options is very easy to manipulate. Pay attention to your instincts. If a date is asking for money or pressuring you to do something that feels uncomfortable that means she probably doesn’t really like you, sorry but it happens sometimes. Get away from her, move on, and remember there’s no room for the right girl if you’re spending your time with the wrong one.
Also I agree with the advice above to meet in person asap, rather than email/text etc for a while first. It’s better to figure out if there’s any mutual attraction before you get in too deep. If you meet someone you like online, suggest coffee or some other quick get together in a public place some time in the next week or so, and then hold off on getting to know them until you’re actually together. It’s much easier to communicate (and read signals) in person.
For those of you wondering if I mind being single; I’ve been single for a long time now, and for most of my life. I want romance… and yes, I want to get laid.
It’s embarrassing. You know the saying “If a guy has sex a lot he’s a stud, if a woman does it, she’s a slut”… well what about a guy who hasn’t had sex a lot? Who’s so inexperienced when it comes to romance and sex?
I would write more but I have to go to bed now, alone.
Well…maybe it’s just me, but I think looking for a relationship with the big hope of getting laid isn’t the best basis for finding someone. You get into a relationship for the positive emotions and the closeness. Sex is just the icing on top.
And don’t stress too much about not having experience. I used to be like that until I was about 28 or so. Hell, I didn’t even go on a date until I was 25. I was constantly worried that people would think it was so weird I had never had any dating experience. But you know what? It never really came up. So don’t stress about it so much. Women don’t really care about how many girlfriends a guy’s had or how many times he’s been laid. Just relax, stop worrying about these little things and just be yourself
I refuse to read what is probably a mess of a thread. Dude, for future reference… SLOW DOWN, let what may happen just happen. Do NOT try to control or direct where it flows. Someone you have only “known” (in quotes cuz it was online for you) for a week is willing to cuddle? Sorry lil brother, you blew it. Live, learn and love again.
