Coming in late to second that. Great post phouka.
I dunno. Calling someone you’ve known for a week via text and crying sounds pretty fucking stupid as well.
Well, it seems to me that at first you were doing the right thing. Then, all of a sudden you came over like some sophomorish
little pud, and she, naturally, was aghast.
Naturally, she wasn’t going to respond. You ask her “why not?” what can she say? "I thought you weren’t a wimp, but I was mistaken’ ?
You threw yourself under the bus, big time, and you want ***her ***to explain herself??
MyFootsZZZ, don’t you effing dare text her again!
Her answer is more than clear at this point.
Nuff said.
Phouka, I agree with you for the vast majority of this thread, but I think that quote you shared is slightly on the wrong side of paranoid. While it’s true that the majority of murderers are men (even assuming all 27% of “unknown” perpetrators are women), almost 80% of murder victims are also men. Is it a danger? Yeah, sure, but a woman should be way more worried about her boyfriend going out with “the guys” than she should about her date murdering her.
Maybe replace “kill” with “rape” and I’d agree with it more.
extremely good points !!!
On the flip side, it only takes one or two experiences with men who won’t take “no” for an answer for a woman to become evasive. Seriously, there are men where if you’re honest about how you feel they start yelling stuff like “What? I’m not good enough for you?” or “There’s someone else, isn’t there? What’s his name? I’ll kill him!” or “If you’ll put out for X why don’t you put out for me, slut/whore/cunt?” YOU may not be one of them (I sincerely hope you aren’t) but they do exist and in the early part of the relationship you can’t be sure, because a lot of the creeps start off being quite charming.
So, yeah, it becomes a habit of being evasive, especially in person, when the guy is a foot taller and 50 pounds heavier and can do you serious damage if he decides to get violent. Which is rare, but if it happens it’s a total disaster.
I take the hint he’s not interested and look elsewhere.
Because there is a certain percentage of men out there who are rapists, stalkers, killers, users, and abusers? Men risk rejection, but women are more likely to be risking their physical safety when they go somewhere with a man they don’t know well.
That said - over the internet there is less reason to fear for physical safety and women should be upfront because text communications lack all those non-verbal cues women like to rely on during communication. I do believe it is possible to offer a polite and honest refusal of a date, and I wish more people would make the attempt.
Bravo. Just… bravo. Thank you for pointing out the glaring double standard. I mean it.
Dude - you never actually met her.
You weren’t “close” at all.
Let me clue you in about something - with women, it’s not just words, it’s actions. It’s not just your actions towards her but also everyone else. I’ve dumped a guy because he was an asshole to waitstaff during dinner. Women want to see how you act in meatspace, not just towards her but towards everyone else and the occasional puppy or kitten that crosses your path. We want to know if you’re respectful and kind towards everyone or just the [del]bitch[/del] woman you might get some sex from later. We want to observe your body language and hear the tone of your words.
You see, it’s one thing to lie in text - that’s not very hard. It’s a lot harder to keep up the act in real life for any extended period of time.
You probably didn’t realize what you did wrong, which doesn’t surprise me because you don’t look at this from a woman’s perspective (duh!). She wanted to meet and evaluate you in real life. You, even prior to that meeting, are already asking about going beyond just meeting to, presumably, sex. There are several ways this might be received by a woman, including “I don’t do one-night stands”, “I’m interested in more than just sex” or even “What? I’m not interviewing for a job as a mistress” (and that’s the polite way of phrasing it). At best, you came across as very pushy even if that wasn’t your intention.
We women know that men are much more likely to engage in casual sex with less emotional meaning. We get it (most of us). The thing is, a lot of us require more than that so we don’t feel cheap, used, and disgusted with ourselves the next morning.
Thanks again for all those who responded. I feel much less jaded about rejection as a whole. I still think it’s sad that we live in a world where giving out fake numbers is the best way to reject someone in some cases… but you people are right, I shouldn’t take it so personally.
Thanks to the posters that understand that I’m still learning. I’m sorry I was so confident that I was right in my original post. This isn’t the first time I’ve back-tracked on something I’ve posted. I know there are people here much more intelligent about this stuff than me.
I really am a good guy. I don’t usually complement myself… but it’s one thing I do strive for. To be honest, I don’t even think less of this girl for calling me up and crying on the phone, though I know many of you think it’s stupid or a red flag. I think it was a weird situation from the start. And I really don’t have any bad feelings toward this girl.
I didn’t text her back, some of you will be relieved to know.
I know I have to focus on myself primarily. I’m sorry if I made this thread about how “pitiful” my situation is, when I could have it much worse in life. I’m just seriously lonely. I’m just starting to work on my situation… and I see it as a long ahead until I’m a normal man with a job with all my shit together. The girl I last dated helped me feel that sort of normalcy to some extent. I don’t think I’ll ever be 100% normal. I’ll always have some problems
Maybe in a little while I’ll start a new thread asking for advice on dating and my situation.
This. Several years ago, I posted on the SDMB about my own situation, which was pretty much exactly the same as yours. I desperately wanted sex and attention; I could care less who I was getting it from. The advice I got was curt and hard to swallow, but it stuck with me all these years:
“Neediness is the mother of all turn-offs.”
You’re needy right now. You’re looking at relationships as a cold, inorganic game of chess where if you figure out the strategy, you win. You wanted to know her angle so you could plan your next move. But it’s not chess; there is no game. Next time you find a lady who wants to spend time with you, take the time by yourself to ask yourself if you really enjoy her company. She’s asking herself the same. If both of you come up with “yes”, then there may be a possibility of something more in the future. No guarantees.
You should try to meet people. Be as social as possible - and I know that can be hard for people who aren’t naturally extroverts. Get out, be with people, especially in mixed groups, do stuff with people. The more people you meet the greater the odds you’ll find someone compatible with you.
Yes, you have baggage. My spouse was disabled from birth, visibly limps, has various chronic medical problems, has lots of baggae. He also never lacked for girlfriends. He attributes his success on that front to two things: 1) he talks to women like they’re human beings, and 2) he wasn’t afraid to risk rejection.
Anyhow - get out there and meet people. Eventually you’ll meet someone you’ll ask on a date. Meanwhile, all that social interaction will make you more comfortable with dealing with social situations.
This is good advice.
Sorry, but I gotta say, phouka you ROCK.
Two things:
- Regarding dating, perhaps the most important thing to keep in mind is, “Would I date me?” If you don’t think you’re worth dating, and feel like you have to just take what you can get, then you’re probably going to wind up with two kinds of people: someone who also feels worthless, and who’s only dating you because you’re willing; or someone who will take advantage of your low self-esteem and manipulate and abuse you. And in fact, you might hit the jackpot and wind up with someone who’s both - someone who feels worthless and therefore is mean to you in order to feel better about themselves.
As jsgoddess said, you’ve got to have standards. But it’s pretty hard to insist on high standards in someone else unless you feel you can offer them something equally worthy in return. This is why it’s so important for you to focus on yourself: it will help you like yourself, which in turn will help you identify who you like, and who will like you. When you feel date-able, you’ll have an easier time attracting people who will date you for you.
And this applies to your disability in specific. Yes, it’s going to turn off a lot of people, but there are some people who won’t care, depending on how you feel about it. If you act like it’s a shameful, awful dealbreaker, then it will be. If instead you can accept and internalize that this is what you need to do to help yourself, and that taking action to help yourself (rather than just passively accepting your problems) is a very positive thing, then you’ll be able to make other people see it that way, too. Not everyone, but some.
And remember, most people have qualities that would be a dealbreaker for the vast majority of the rest of the world. They might be very positive qualities, but they’re something that most other people don’t want. So you’re hardly unique in that respect. Sure, your pool of prospective partners may still be smaller than average, but I promise you it’s not limited to “whoever will have me”. You just need to find your niche.
And to that end, I think this is all really excellent advice:
- phouka, I didn’t realize I hadn’t already said it, but (as is your wont) you rock my socks.
People usually will not do what you want them to, especially if you’re not good-looking. This is the only constant in the universe of getting laid. In my opinion, getting laid is all that the OP wanted from the very start, inventing loftier ambitions only after being rejected.
Actually, getting laid was not my goal. I really wanted human contact though. I don’t know if she would had offered to have sex with me if I would. It would really depend on the situation. I would have probably been too nervous to have sex. With the meds I’m on, I don’t even know if I COULD… (I have a hard time with… you know! Something usually older men have problems with.)
I speak the truth here! I don’t think I would have had sex with her.
Sure you can read it that way, but he wasn’t demanding it. Plus, if his description of spending the night was correct, there was definitely going to be something more than friendly going on that night.
What I don’t get is why women feel like its their right to be so defensive when a simple “No thanks, remember we what we agreed on” is less annoying to both sides. You’re making it seem like no arrangements between friends ever get changed. Why should a man always have to wait for the woman to broach the subject?
I think in this harmless situation, it is incredibly offensive and paranoid to treat him that way because some men in the past have done bad things to other women, like in phouka’s example
Nailed it.
Uh, what? She should not be concerned about her own safety as much because statistically some other demographic is more commonly murdered? Cautious does not equal paranoia.