Women's rejection tactics.

[MeanOldLady]

@YogSosoth

Sure you can read it that way, but he wasn’t demanding it. Plus, if his description of spending the night was correct, there was definitely going to be something more than friendly going on that night.

What I don’t get is why women feel like its their right to be so defensive when a simple “No thanks, remember we what we agreed on” is less annoying to both sides. You’re making it seem like no arrangements between friends ever get changed.

That’s nice, but I never said he demanded anything. I said he was pestering. Yes, friendships change, but they weren’t even friends yet. They’d never even met, and he was already trying to weasel around the agreement. That is annoying. I’m sure she was annoyed too, so she blew him off.

But, FTR, like everyone else, I call no harm no foul on this one. Girl was crazy. Calling him on the phone crying? Yeah, all bad.

[Jragon]

@ladyfoxfyre

Uh, what? She should not be concerned about her own safety as much because statistically some other demographic is more commonly murdered? Cautious does not equal paranoia.

Er, I wasn’t exactly being entirely serious with the “women should be more concerned” line. I was using the same rhetoric as people who point out things like “statistically you should be more paranoid of getting hurt in your own house than on an airplane.” It’s not to point out she SHOULD be afraid of that, but rather that she shouldn’t be afraid of getting murdered. Of course she should be more concerned about her own safety than somebody else’s, but statistically women have very little reason to fear being killed by their date. It’s an unfounded fear, unless you want to argue that I should also be incredibly afraid of the computer science department at my university since it’s predominately male (after all, I’m a man surrounded by men, and thus statistically have much higher odds than her of being murdered). Like I said, replace “kill” with “rape” and I’d probably agree with the statement.

[Hockey_Monkey]

@MyFootsZZZ

Look… thank you for saying sorry.

Everyone, I wasn’t trying to be an asshole, I just didn’t know any better. I still think she should have responded, even if it wasn’t a good responce… She knows I’m new at this kind of thing, and we got too close to where it would be weird if she didn’t respond.

You’ve said this twice now. You were not close. You didn’t know each other well enough to be close after a week of only texting. You may have perceived closeness, but please, trust me here…you were not close.

Here’s my advice for you. Online is a great way to meet people, but you have to actually meet them. When I was dating, (and I’m a woman), if the man wasn’t willing to meet me in person after a couple of emails, I dropped it. This is because my previous experiences of emailing for several weeks before meeting set up ridiculous expectations on both sides and when we actually met in person, it was clear that it wasn’t going to work. We could have saved a lot of time skipping all the email fawning to begin with.

I know you were planning to meet this girl, but it seems like from what you’ve written that you felt like you already had a relationship with her. Email and text flirting is fun, but until you meet someone face to face there isn’t a relationship.

As to why she stopped responding - you creeped her out. Doesn’t matter if you you didn’t mean to, or if she misinterpreted something, she doesn’t owe you an explanation, and you are best to let it go and move on.

[Lamia]

@Jragon

Like I said, replace “kill” with “rape” and I’d probably agree with the statement.

What makes you the expert on what women are afraid of? The quote wasn’t about what sort of violent crime a woman is most likely to be the victim of, it was about what women are afraid of, and more to the point the difference in what men and women fear from the opposite sex.* While the average woman is more likely to be raped by a man than she is to be murdered by a man, that doesn’t necessarily mean that rape is more frightening to women than murder. I can only speak for myself here, but while I consider rape to be very frightening I’d say murder is even worse.

*ETA: It said nothing about what men and women fear from people of the same sex, so the male-on-male murder rate isn’t relevant to the quote.

[Jragon]

@Lamia

What makes you the expert on what women are afraid of? The quote wasn’t about what sort of violent crime a woman is most likely to be the victim of, it was about what women are afraid of, and more to the point the difference in what men and women fear from the opposite sex. While the average woman is more likely to be raped by a man than she is to be murdered by a man, that doesn’t necessarily mean that rape is more frightening to women than murder. I can only speak for myself here, but while I consider rape to be very frightening I’d say murder is even worse.

shrug I just don’t think people should be afraid of the unlikely, and should shift their fears to the likely. I know the quote is about what they are afraid of, and you’re right that I’m not an expert about what women are afraid of, but I was pointing out that women really shouldn’t be afraid of it is all. Like I said, it’s the “you really shouldn’t be afraid of your plane crashing” argument.

[Jragon]

I’m sorry I misinterpreted the context of the quote which means I told other people how to feel I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. Please don’t yell at me anymore. I was just trying to help people feel better. I’m sorry I didn’t realize what I was doing. I’m sorry. I’m really sorry. I really don’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings. I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean I’m really sorry. I beg of you not to hate me I’m so sorry.

ETA: I’m really, really sorry. If anybody in this thread has a paypal I can send them money to make up for the emotional distress. I know I sound sarcastic but I’m really, really not. I want to make amends, I want to give reparations. I’m so sorry.

[MeanOldLady]

I’m gonna have to ask you to relax.

[flyboy]

@MeanOldLady

I’m gonna have to ask you to relax.

Ditto. Holy cow.

To the OP: To sum up,

• Never develop an email/text/phone relationship with someone from a dating site. If she’s not willing to meet with you after three or four contacts, move on.

• You won’t find a meaningful relationship until you emotionally grow up and are comfortable with yourself. This isn’t to say you should avoid relationships until you reach that point, but it is to say that any relationship you try to take beyond sex (only) will almost certainly end badly. Getting out in the world and doing things with people will help you to reach this point.

• Don’t be needy. Ever.

• Don’t ever agree to “cuddle” with a woman unless you are prepared to a) not discuss it beforehand, and b) make a move when it happens, if all else is going well. Personally, I recommend avoiding the platonic cuddle altogether. If you’re romantically interested in the woman, you should have either made a move or made it clear you’re interested in dating (not friendship) long before this topic ever comes up.

[Stendhal_Syndrome]

@phouka

So, you long for a world where women are honest and upfront about their interest in and reaction to your romantic and sexual overtures. Even more, you’d like one where women can make overtures themselves without embarrassment or shame. It’s a perfectly understandable desire, and most people would heartily agree with you.

It comes at a price, though.

First, you - and all the other men in the world - do not ever get to nag a woman to reconsider once she’s said no.

Second, you - and all the other men in the world - do not ever get to call a woman a bitch or a c*nt or any other name if she turns you down, even if she’s not sweet and apologetic.

Third, you - and all the other men in the world - do not ever get to call any woman a slut, a skank, a whore, or any other name that implies they are bad people because they had sex. Ever. Under any circumstances. Even if it was for money. Even if it was a consensual gangbang. Even if it was with a guy you hate. Even if it was with a guy you hate in a consensual gangbang for money right after she told you to fuck off when all you did was ask her if she’d be interested in a date.

Fourth, you and all the other men out there, really need to put a lid on double-edge sword of “I’d tap that,” “she’s a butterface,” and “I don’t dick fat chicks,” as well as the other variations out there.

Why?

Because every time some man nags a woman “Ah, come on, we’d be great together. You should give me a chance,” it reinforces the need women feel to avoid conflict at all costs. Sooner or later, pretty much every woman out there has had to put up with a man who would not take “no” for an answer. Answering “hell, no” only gets us called names, so we revert to nicely-nicely good girl polite tactics of avoid, deceive, and retreat.

Also, every time any man calls a woman a whore, a slut, a cum dumpster, or some other name because she chose to have sex, regardless of circumstance, the rest of us women notice and refuse to put ourselves out there for that kind of abuse. That includes expressing our interest in men, making the first move, and initiating sex, because we’ve learned through hard experience that any of those decisions can be turned around and used to denigrate us.

When you and all the other men out there start rating women on their sexual appeal and reduce them to nothing more than parts or describe women only in terms of being warm, juicy bits you can stick your penis in, women are sure that we will get exactly the same treatment the moment we’re not there.

Some of us (women, that is) have managed to go against years of ingrained acculturation, put aside our feelings of fear and vulnerability, and have nurtured the ability to tell a man up-front “No, I’m not interested,” or “you just crossed a line, and I’m not dealing with you anymore,” or “I’m very interested in you,”. It’s not consistent. I can do it on some days, and other days, I find myself quibbling and fibbing and very carefully stepping back, looking for a plant to hide behind. It’s just that hard to steel myself against the kind of vicious hostility I’ve encountered and I’ve seen other women encounter when we have done exactly what you’re asking for.

Oh, do you object to the fact that I’ve made you responsible for things you don’t do, attitudes you don’t hold, and gender roles you had no part in assigning? I’m terribly, terribly sorry for that. I thought that’s what we were doing in this thread.

Yeah! Thank you.