crucifiction: extremely painful urban legends
cohabitate
corhabitate - move in with someone rather too quickly, just because they are hot.
disciplinarian
misciblinarian - a lab safety technician who insists that you always add acid to water, not water to acid, and never mix chlorine and ammonia
pacifier
pacifrier n. A very powerful stun gun.
anniversay
anniversary, sorry.
anuniversary : God’s Birthday
gerrymander
Hairymander: a hirsute lizard-like amphibian
Trapezoid
grapezoid: quadrilateral wine rows of which only two are parallel
abscond
grabscond – not just to run off, but to run off with something else as well
ginko biloba
pinko biloba - an herb given by the HUAC which improved your memories of having been an active Communist
orthodontist
earthodontist - a doctor responsible for straightening crooked mountains.
cablebox
kibblebox a tv attachment which only allows you to see dog food commercials
secretary
Secretory: covertly conservative
Bacterial
Bactrearial: causing tears reminiscient of camels.
asphyxiate
Asphalanxiate: suffocate while in close military formation
Grope
Grape: To color other people’s posts purple.
No, wait, someone did that already … 
Wizard
Wozard : A past-it conjourer
barnyard
Bairnyard: playground
or
Barnyarn: a horse’s tale
Grumble
gumble n. Incoherent speech caused by not having your false teeth in.
rhinocerous
rhinoceroustabout : African Dock Worker of extreme size.
church