“I’ve taken care of my grandparents and now my parents since the age of 9. So yes, I happen to live with my parents now. But I have plenty of privacy and knowing that they’re taken care of is my motivation for staying here.”
When my friend was living in my basement for free, he put in his ad that he lived in his friend’s basement (don’t remember if he said “for free” or not) and it was ok with him. He had a girlfriend within like 2 weeks of posting the ad. And she came over here to hang out in said basement like every day. So I eventually threw him out because…really? Heh.
If I were dating you and this was your reason for never having lived on your own (first you helped look after your grandma, now you’re looking after your parents), I would read it as, “This guy will always put his family before me. He’s never had a life of his own, and he seems okay with that.” Dealbreaker.
I’m with rachellogram on this. There’s no need to mention it in the ad, or bring it up in conversation as though it’s some kind of horrible deformity that you need to know she’s OK with before you finish dinner.
Potential dates care about a few things when it comes to your living arrangement.
If she goes home with you, is your mom going to be making her breakfast the next morning?
If you get serious is there going to be a long difficult conversation with you about whether or not you’re going to move out to be with her?
I will answer the other posts later but to address your questions.
My mother rarely makes breakfast for me, If I bring someone home we are either going to the diner a few streets away with me paying for it or I’m cooking breakfast.
If the relationship was serious and we wanted to live together I would be out of the house in a heartbeat.
I’d be willing to bet that if I went to match.com and started browsing personal adds, I would not find a high percent of people describing whether they rent or own or who they live with. If its something important to you, then by all means include it, but if you don’t think it helps define you as a person, skip it. It will come up soon enough in conversation.
If you live there because its a smart decision, own it and be proud.
Eve I think this is the first time you have posted in one of my threads and I’m honored to have your post and the sentiment behind it. However as I would never ask a woman her age I will just say my grandmother was in her late 80’s and I think you are younger
Bouv I will certainly entertain the thought of not using the above words in my personal ad. I only used them here because I can get away with them here.
Truthfully in my posting I am not going to be talking about where I live other than the town. However I have noticed in quite a few posts from people I feel I would be compatible with they say they don’t want to get involved with someone who lives with their parents so I feel I need a way to address that if she does ask about my living situation.
Fortunately for me I do have plenty of privacy and overnight guests are never a problem with the two other people who are in the house.
Hmmm. If it’s listed in the profile I might think that, but had MannyL explained it over a cup of coffee the way he has here I’m pretty sure I’d be able to have an open mind about it. My thought leans more towards thinking it’s a smart arrangement. If sharing a home isn’t keeping anyone who lives there from enjoying life in any way, why not?
Now, I’m a little older and have different expectations of a relationship. The question of “what would happen if we had kids?” has NOTHING to do with my reality. My cousin, who is the same age as the OP and hopes to one day marry and have kids might have a very different reaction. But it could also be a really positive reaction.
When my mother was born three generations of her family lived in one house. Her parents moved into their own home, and then a few years later one of her grandparents moved in with them. If a way to achieve the same kind of mutual support exists without the hassle of multiple real estate transactions, why not?
A less girlified way to describe the setup might be to say “I live in the in-law apartment of my parents’ house”. For whatever it’s worth (which is admittedly not much) I think that women worth dating can understand the difference between a man who’s never left the nest and one who’s still in his parents’ house for reasons that benefit everyone involved. My sense of things is that women don’t want to date a man whose mom is still doing all his laundry and cutting his meat for him. Personally I’d want to be involved with someone willing to take care of his folks, and the fact that you only have to go down some stairs rather than across town wouldn’t be an insurmountable issue .
This would be welcome news to a woman who was thinking about dating you, but what people usually go by is past actions, not what people say they’re going to do.
Part of the reason a 37 year old woman might be afraid of dating a guy who has never lived on his own is that living on your own is where people usually learn to do things to take care of themselves and a household - at 45, I would have zero interest in teaching a guy how to be an independent adult. If you live as an independent adult, though, and you just happen to do it in your parents’ house (and help them out, too), that’s a different situation.
Maybe you should date women from cultures where three generations in a house is the norm.
You raise a good point about looking for someone who’s culture considers it “normal” for a house to be “multi-generational” however I don’t know where I would consider looking.
I wouldn’t put this in the profile, because it’s not one of your defining characteristics, unless it is, and if so, I’d move out ASAP.
In fact, if you are really interested in a long-term relationship, why not move out now? You say that you would if you met the right woman, so just jump the gun and take steps to be prepared for the right partner.
In Tokyo, a good percentage of single people, both men and women stay with their parents, but in the States, it’s seen as a yuck factor to enough of the people that you may be eliminating some people who would otherwise be good potentials.
One of my Japanese friends was having difficulty gets dates of a dating service. He would have an initial meeting, then things wouldn’t go well. Looking at it, a lot of the reasons were things like, he couldn’t cook, etc. So I suggested that he take cooking classes. It doesn’t have to be fancy, just eliminates something which would take you out of the running.
If it were something like you really being into a hobby, then no, you need to keep the hobby and find someone who can live with that. But I think moving out will also help you prepare for live with someone else, so I’d recommend it anyway.
Right Now would be a bad time to move out because I’m going to be having surgery in a few weeks. I’ve looked at house rentals on Craigslist and for what I’m paying now to my parents I could rent a very nice place (if the postings are not a scam)
My profile needs work and I’m going to have some female friends of mine work it over.
One other thing has occurred to me; I can only speak for myself, of course, and other lady Dopers are more than welcome to chime in with their opinions, but in the human species, it’s good for the guy to have a nest that can attract a lady. Living with your parents in your parents’ home, you don’t have a nest.
This is one of those situations where (IMO) there is no right or wrong answer. I was caregiver to my parents until I was in my 40s, and; technically speaking; I never left home.
I was, and am, single. I’m told that having given my life over to caring for my parents means that any man would be happy to have me. Somehow no man I’ve ever come across has wanted anything to do with me.
Anyway, I understand the how’s and why’s of never having left home and I don’t view it as a problem if I come across a man who lives in his parents house. I had an “apartment” upstairs in my parents house for years, which gave me space away from them, but didn’t really afford me much privacy per se. Certainly not enough to bring a guy home, should the occasion arise! But I wasn’t living with my parents in the sense that my mother was doing all my cooking and laundry and washing marks off my face with a spittle dampened tissue .
I don’t see how it even needs to be an issue, provided you remember to leave the tie hanging from the front doorknob whenever you need your parents to stay away.
