How are women like like dog poop?
The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Now that just aint right
Cyrano de Bergerac walks into a bar …
Forgive me if I missed this one in reading this huge thread, some posts which have multiple jokes, but just in case it hasn’t been said …
A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender “Was my dad just in here?”
Bartender screws up his face, thinking, and replies, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”
A rabbi, a priest and a nun walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this? Some kind of joke?”
Two long-time friends, one a doctor and the other a lawyer, are hiking through the woods. When the come around a bend and there is a very large grizzly bear foraging just off the path. They of course freeze and then try to turn slowly, but to no avail. The bear catches a whiff of their scent and turns, growling and standing on it’s hind legs.
Well, the both take off running with the bear in hot pursuit and half way across an open field the lawyer stops and begins unlacing his boots.
The doctor stops and says:
“What the hell are you doing? The bear will catch us!”
And the lawyer says:
“I just realized that I don’t have to out-run the bear. I just have to out-run YOU.”
An Irishman is sitting in a bar having a cold one when an obviously gay man sits down next to him and quietly offers to give him a blowjob. Outraged, the Irishman punches the gay man in the nose, knocking him out. The bartender sees all this and asks the Irishman what the gay person had said to him that got him so upset. The Irishman replied, “I don’t know. Something about a job.” 
So this Irish guy walks past a bar…
(budum-shhhh)
Where did Napoleon keep his armies?
In his sleevies!
How many lesbians does it take to change a light bulb?
Two. It’s not funny
Little Red Riding Hood sets out with her basket of goodies to walk through the woods to Grandma’s house. Halfway there, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out and says, “Little Red Riding Hood, I am going to fuck you!”
Little Red Riding Hood strips off her clothes, throws herself on the ground and says:
Follow the story shit-head - you’re supposed to eat me!
With a stern look on her face, Mother Superior spoke to the assembled nuns.
“I must annouce that we have a case of gonorrhea in the convent”
“Thank christ for that,” says a voice from the back, “I’m sick of bloody chardonnay”
At the National Art Gallery in Dublin, a husband and wife were staring at a portrait that had them completely confused. The painting depicted three black men totally naked sitting on a park bench. Two of the figures had black dicks, but the one in the middle had a pink dick.
The curator of the gallery realized that they were having trouble interpreting the painting and offered his assessment. He went on for over half an hour explaining how it depicted the sexual emasculation of black men in a predominately white, patriarchal society. “In fact,” he pointed out, “some serious critics believe that the pink willie also reflects the cultural and sociological oppression experienced by gay men in contemporary society.”
After the curator left, an Irishman, approached the couple and said, “Would you like to know what the painting is really about?”
“Now why would you claim to be more of an expert than the curator of the gallery?” asked the couple.
“Because I’m the guy who painted it,” he replied. “In fact, there are no black men depicted at all. They’re just three Irish coal miners. The guy in the middle went home for lunch.”