…and what’s the difference between a rolling stone and a Scot?
A Rolling Stone says, “Hey! You! Get offa my cloud!”
while a Scot says, “Hey! MacCloud! Get offa my ewe!”
Little Johnny comes home from school, and tells his mother that he just had sex with his first grade teacher.
Johnny’s mother freaks out and says, “What!! That’s horrible! Go to your room, and wait 'til your father gets home. He’s going to talk to you about this!”
Little Johnny goes to his room, and later his father comes home, and asks Johnny what’s going on. Johnny tells him the same as his mother, that he just had sex with his first grade teacher.
Johnny’s father claps him on the back and says, “Son, I’m proud of you! I was a freshman in college before I had sex with my teacher. You’re a precocious one, all right. In fact, I’m going to reward you. You know that bike you wanted for Christmas? Let’s go out and buy it for you, right now. Whad’ya say?”
Little Johnny says, “Thanks Dad, but if it’s all the same to you, can we wait until tomorrow? My butt’s still sore.”
A traveling salesman comes to a farm, and starts walking up the long driveway to the farmhouse. Along the way, he sees a horse standing in the field next to the driveway. Feeling whimsical, he calls out to the horse, “Hey, Mr. Horse. How’s the farmer treat you?”
To the salesman’s amazement, the horse replies, “Pretty good, all things considered.” The salesman can’t believe his ears. A talking horse! He could make a bundle with a talking horse! He hurries up the driveway. Along the way, he sees a cow. Thinking that maybe lightning will strike twice, he calls out:
“Hey Mr. Cow, does the farmer treat you okay?”
And again, the cow says, “I guess I can’t complain.”
The salesman is astonished. A talking horse and a talking cow! He could retire off these two animals, if the farmer will play along. He starts running towards the farmhouse. Along the way, he sees a sheep. Immediately, he shouts out, “Hey, Sheep! Can you talk, too?”
“Sure can, mister,” replies the sheep.
Visions of millions dancing in his head, the salesman sprints to the farmhouse and pounds on the door. A farmer answers and asks what he wants.
“Mister, do you know that your horse can talk?” asks the salesman.
“What? Are you kidding me?”
“No! I asked him if you treated him okay, and he said yes! In English!”
“That’s incredible! I had no idea!”
“That’s not all! I asked your cow the same question! And she answered!”
“My cow can talk, too? I don’t believe it! I could make a fortune!”
“That’s not all!” says the salesman, “Your sheep can talk, too!”
“The sheep LIES!”
Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
It was dead.
Maybe not the world’s funniest, but I got a giggle out of 'em:
How do you fit 100 dead babies into a car trunk?
A Cuisinart
How do you get them back out?
Tostitos
:eek:
Two guys were sitting on a park bench, watching a dog lick its balls. One guy sighed longingly and said, “I sure wish I could do that.”
The other guy replied, “Well, maybe if you pet him, he’ll let you.”
A guy was sitting in a cheap seat at the Superbowl. During the first half, he noticed a fantastic seat a few rows back from the field sitting there empty. So at halftime, he walked down and asked the guy sitting next to it if he knew why it was empty.
“It’s mine,” the guy said, “I had an extra ticket. Go ahead and sit there if you want.”
Well, the first guy was amazed. “Why do you have an extra ticket to the Superbowl?” he asked.
“Well,” the second guy answered, “my wife and I had a tradition of going to the Superbowl every year together, but she died recently, so she’s not here with me.”
“Oh, that’s terrible,” the first guy said, “But didn’t you have any other family or friends that wanted to come?”
“Nah,” the second guy said, “They’re all at her funeral.”
A professor who studies sharks takes his students out on a dive to observe them. One of them objects, saying that he is scared.
“There’s nothing to be scared of”, said the professor, “in fact, every year pigs kill more people than sharks”.
The student replied “I didn’t know pigs could even swim”.
The Boss had a problem. He had to downsize the office and narrowed it down to one of two people: Dorothy or Jack. It was an impossible decision – they were both super workers.
Rather than flip a coin, he decided he would fire the first one who used the water cooler the next morning.
Dorothy came in the next morning with a horrible hangover after partying all night. She went straight to the cooler to take an aspirin.
The Boss approached her and said: “Dorothy, I’ve never done this before, but I have to either lay you or Jack off.”
“Could you jack off?” she said. “I feel like shit this morning.”
My personal favorite joke:
Did you hear about the restaurant they put on the moon?
Great food, but no atmosphere!
I also love vivalostwages’ joke about the dog licking it’s balls, except when I heard it, the punch line was:
“Maybe you should buy him dinner, first.”
But, but, is’nt that the WORLDS DEADLIEST JOKE? :eek: Ha… ha ha haaa … urgh!
What do you call an experimental monkey in a Cuisinart?
Rhesus pieces.
Two peanuts vere valking down de strasse, und von of dem vas assaulted! . . . 
Peanut . . .
This doesn’t come across that funny as written, but it’s one of my favorites t o tell.
Knock Knock.
Who’s There?
Interrupting Cow.
InterruMOO!
Zat’s not funny! BANG
Man walks into the house carrying a sheep and sets the critter down in front
of his wife.
“I just wanted you to meet the pig I have sex with when you claim to have a
headache” says the man.
“You idiot,” says the wife. “That isn’t a pig. It’s a sheep!”
“I wasn’t talking to you,” says her husband.
A cowboy walks back to his horse from the general store and sees that somebody has painted its balls blue. Enraged, he goes into the bar next to where the horse is tied up and shouts “Which one of you low-life motherfuckers painted my horse’s balls blue?!” The biggest, meanest-looking man he’s ever seen slowly gets out of a chair, strolls over, leans down and, exuding a sewer-like stench, growls “I did, what about it!”
“Well, the first coat is dry, sir.”
I recall the experiment, and a radio interview I heard with the surveyor.
It’s not so much the funniest joke, but the most internationally appreciated joke.
The worldwide survey revealed that there are great differences in what is widely deemed funny in the various nations of the world, but this joke was enjoyed across nearly all borders.
Your linked page has a link to the original results of the survey.
A man boarded an airplane and took his seat. As he settled in, he glanced up and saw an unusually beautiful woman boarding the plane. He soon realized she was heading straight toward his seat. Lo and behold, she took the seat right beside his.
Eager to strike up a conversation, he blurted out, “Business trip or vacation?”
She turned, smiled and said, “Business, The Annual Sexual Education Convention in Chicago.”
He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen, sitting next to him, and she was going to a meeting for sex education!
Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, “What’s your business role at this convention?”
“Lecturer,” she responded. “I use my experience to debunk some of the popular myths about sexuality.”
“Really,” he said. “What myths are those?”
“Well,” she explained. “One popular myth is that African American men are the best endowed, when in fact, it’s the Native American Indian who is most likely to possess that trait. Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually it is the men of Jewish descent. We have, however, found that the best potential lover in all categories is the Southern Redneck.”
Suddenly, the woman became a little uncomfortable and blushed. “I’m sorry,” she said. “I shouldn’t really be discussing this with you. I don’t even know your name.”
“Tonto,” the man said. “Tonto Goldstein. But my friends call me Bubba.”