Those fortunes seem kinda crappy. I’m sure we dopers could come up with better ones!
-You will be halfway to work and suddenly find yourself stricken with panic that you lost your keys, only to realize moments later that they are in your hand/in your ignition.
-When you wake up tomorrow you will spend a few minutes in bed contemplating how long you could live off your savings if you called your boss and quit so that you could sleep in.
-You will experience an intense desire for bacon.
Arrghh! I thought this only happened to me! Also, I’ve been talking on my cellphone, and panicked when it wasn’t in my pocket. :smack:
My father always told me that if you eat the cookie, your fortune won’t come true. So if you get a crappy fortune, just eat the cookie. Problem solved.
I hate the cookies and always take them home for the dogs. I never get fortunes anyway, just annoying character analysis.
He got Hillary Clinton’s food by mistake!
…in bed. 
It’s a total zen thing. The proper response is to stare off into space and thoughfully intone “In Bed…”
I got one that said “Your exercise routine could be improved.” They might have told me before the eggrolls and the sweet and sour pork.
I guy a knew once got a fortune that said “you like Chinese food”. He kept it in his wallet.
We went to the local Chinese buffet a couple of years ago. My wife got a fortune that said: “You should expect a new addition to your life”. We knew what it meant immediately and we went and bought a pregnancy test after the meal. It was positive and my baby daughter will turn two in July.
Months later we went back to the Chinese buffet. I went to the bathroom right when the check and cookies arrived. I came back to see my oldest daughter mutilating them. I said in a loud pissy voice “Stop that! Those cookies were how we found out your mother was pregnant the last time.” A passing couple doubled over in laughter. I just looked at them and proclaimed “It’s true!”
-Universe.exe has suffered a fatal exception and will now close.
I much prefer the construction “between the sheets” to “in bed.” It’s a touch more poetic. Everyone please use it from now on. 
No fortune slip at all (you’re OK) or the paper slip was there, but blank? I got a blank one once, while eating at a Chinese buffet with my youngest sister. Amused, we showed it to our waitress, who was familiar with us, as we ate there every week or two. She got a dark look on her face and informed us that a blank fortune was a harbinger of D - O - O - M !! (cue spooky music) We didn’t eat there again for almost 5 weeks. The waitress asked why, and my sister informed her that I’d had a heart attack about ten days after getting the Fortune Cookie of Doom. The waitress was rather upset about it, but we assured her that the fortune really hadn’t caused it; it was genetics and my own bad habits. Thereafter, whenever she gave us our fortune cookies - they came with the check - we’d ask her if either of us was getting the Fortune Cookie of Doom.
I got one yesterday that was “Depend on the status quo to support you.” Which to me is like saying “Have no ambition and pursue no change”.
Not the worst ever, but: “Iron rusts”
Um, thanks for the info.
I briefly lost my glasses earlier today. I found them… on my face. :smack:
Several years ago, pornographic fortune cookies because the rage. Needless to say, they soon passé. Then Grandma came to visit. You know, the one who was a Jehovah’s Witness. She loved senbei - Japanese tea crackers, which is what fortune cookies are a type of. Fortunately, she had come here to the city to get cataract surgery. When she asked one of us to read it to her, we said euphemized it. 