Sergeant Rock: The two-fisted veteran NCO who can turn himself into a rock! For up to 24 hours! During that time he is mindless, helpless, and defenseless against any superbaddie with a cold chisel. Still has the scars on his back from the time the Joker sold him to a tombstone carver.
Doctor Mayjaluk: Has the power, by staring intently at the back of a person’s neck, to cause the victim to look around briefly! Power works at cocktail parties, on subways, and most especially when he’s trying not to be notices by the goon-guards patrolling the grounds of the Fortress of Evil.
Antibiotiko: Has the power to kill microorganisms! Any supervillain he zaps is utterly doomed to suffer a mild, temporary vitamin deficiency for lack of symbiotic intestinal flora! He should’ve listened to his mother and become a doctor . . .
The Scream: Can endure near-limitless amounts of pain without passing out or dying of shock! The worse it gets, the more fiercely he writhes on the ground and whimpers for mercy! The mightiest anesthetics are powerless against his agony!
D’Oh! Boy: Homer Simpson’s crimefighting alter ego! Powers include stupidity, sloth, gluttony, and a kind of dumb luck that somehow gets him through every episode without getting killed.
So, of all the semi-hero names in this thread, the only one chosen that’s real happens to be one of my IRL names.
Oddly coincidental name boy - causes people to use his name when they’re telling a story but trying not to offend anyone. First name, of course, is “Bob”.
Freakin’ Enzyte commercials.
She can team up with L’esprit D’escalier, who has the uncanny ability to always think of the perfect comeback thirty minutes too late!
The Wonky Cart Kid: without fail, he chooses the grocery cart with the wheel that turns off to the right or the left, making steering a bitch. The real question: does he somehow break the cart by touching it or does he affect probability fields to somehow always get the wonky cart?
Oh and of course the Wonky Cart Kid discovered his abilities while retrieving carts from the parking lot when he worked as a bagger. Hey, you didn’t want your car dinged, then you should’ve returned your car to designated areas!
Can he predict (remember) ANYTHING about the past, any time, anywhere? Or can he only predict stuff that happened near him (and, that, y’know, he remembers anyway?) Maybe he gets odd visions predicting the past and can’t control them??
The Python can (and does) repeat any Monty Python sketch or movie quote - verbatim!
The Testiculator is fully conversant in American sign language - with his testicles!
The Testatrix is capable of transferring legal title of her property and estate to anyone she desires - even from beyond the grave!
Mr. Spacey has the power convince any viewer to willingly suspend their disbelief and choose instead to view him as anything he wishes: a shadowy gangster, a police detective, an evil genius, or even an alien from another galaxy!
The Italicizer has the ability to mimic vocal expressions of importance or urgency - in a print medium!
The Cerebrator: Able to use 100% of his brain capacity. Well, that’s what we think is happening—when he uses his power, he has about two seconds of useful consciousness before he lapses into a grand mal seizure. But for those two seconds, he sounds pretty brilliant—from what we can understand, anyway. He’s been kind of hard to understand since he bit off his own tongue in a spasm (that was before he ruined his teeth, of course).
Mediocrity Man: can do anything whatsover at the 50 percentile level of skill for the entire human race. That’s currently possessed skill, not potential skill. For example, he can perform open heart surgery better than 50% of a randomly selected sample of people, and not as well as the other 50%.
Googlethorp: Has the ability to refer anyone to any information they want, after they tell him, generlly, what they want to know. NOTE: Only works at cyber cafes.
Catmandoo: Can clean himself with his tongue. NOTE: Must lick wrists to get hard to reach places, like behind the ears.
Homo flatulens: Farts like you wouldn’t believe! Professor X considers him the next stage in human evolution! His distant descendants will fly through the air, stun their enemies with noxious gas, and project deadly jets of flame! Unfortunately, at this stage of his evolution, all he can do is make embarrassing noises and stink up the room.
The Human Staple-Remover - has the ability to remove staples with his mind! The staple is restored to its original, pre-stapled, condition! Whatever was stapled is ripped and mangled beyond recognition.
