Two months before we were married, my husband-to-be went out and bought me a surprise…a new couch for the living room! He knew I hated the couch he had and wanted to make me happy. It never occured to him that I wanted us to go shopping together and buy furniture and all that. He just knew I wanted a couch and he bought me one. (FTR, I never would have picked the couch he did. It was hideous and mocked me until we finally got rid of it this summer.)
We had a discussion about it, and I let him know that while I appreciated it, I was disappointed that we didn’t get to go shopping as a couple.
Problem solved, right?
Nope…
Not a month later, I came home from work to find a brand new rug on the living room floor. He knew I wanted a new rug, so he went out and bought me one. We had the "Please Don’t Buy Things Without Asking Me’ talk once again. The Talk obviously didn’t take because he did the same exact thing with the entertainment center and the dining room chairs. Is it because he’s a control freak who has to have everything his way? Is it because he doesn’t value my opinion? No. It’s because he’s clueless when it comes to women and just wants to make me happy by buying me things he’s heard me say I want.
Anyway, I think that getting all worked up over everyday plates is probably due to the pregnancy. I’m currently pregnant, and I know things effect me differently now. I believe your husband was trying to do a nice thing for you. Also, how much does a set of plain dishes cost? $20? Say thank you and move on. You have plenty of time to get baby supplies if you’re not due until April. Are you going to have a baby shower? If so, you’ll get your car seat then.
Take a deep breath, try to stop feeling so bad, and enjoy being pregnant.
I would have to agree that your problems go a lot deeper then the plates.
It seems that you were consulted, and agreed when you can afford them you will get some non-flower plates. It seems like the ones he got met the criteria.
Maybe you need other things, but does it make sense to miss out on a (assuming significant) sale, just to pay much more, perhaps a few months down the road? I am assuming a lot here, that your husband is not a total idiot and only bought the plates due to a substantial discount, plus the fact he was there already AND that you talked this over and agreed to the plates.
What I see is a lack of communication, He thought you agreed to replacing the plates when a good deal came around to meet certain criteria, while you thought that the dishes you currently have are of his former relationship and you want something that is a product of both of you.
There is quite a difference here, and really no one is at fault here. Both of you have to learn to understand how each other talks and learn to communicate the main point clearly when needed, i.e. these dishes make me feel like I am an outsider, I know it’s silly, but would really like us to pick out our own pattern. (then you can go into the aurgument as to why they should be replaced). I think you did it the other way around, sayign they dishes are ugly, cracked, non-micro. ect…
I never thought he was TRYING to piss me off, I knew he was trying to do a nice thing. The plates are, at least, better than the ones we had, since they can go in the microwave, aren’t chipped, and weren’t picked by his ex-wife. Maybe it is the hormones, but apparently my pregnancy freak-outs are NOTHING compared to his ex-wife’s. Where I get a bit upset, she apparently would have gone on a homicidal rampage. And, as a lot of people said, it’s really NOT about the plates. The plates were the last straw on the back of the “When do I get to be part of the decision-making around here?” camel. He also brought home glasses and cutlery, but that didn’t bother me because they were identical to the ones we had picked together previously, and were being discontinued, so that might well have been the last opportunity to buy them.
It is communication, because I forget that he doesn’t really process language the way most people do. The other day I had to explain in excruciating detail the difference between “The guy is coming over at 4 to look at (a thing we were selling)” and “Is it okay with you if the guy comes over at 4 to look at the thing?” To me, the difference is glaringly obvious to anyone old enough to form a sentence. To him, it’s apparently the same thing. He’s a visual thinker, and says he pretty much doesn’t think in language. He’s almost like someone with high-functioning autism or Asperger’s syndrome, but not strongly enough to actually be diagnosed with that. He’s a brilliant analyst, but he can’t explain to others how he arrived at the answer. But they know enough by now to accept that the answer he arrives at is the correct one 99.9% of the time. I think he understands better now what things I wouldn’t mind being surprised with, and what things I want to have input on.
What is the difference here? Assuming you have a loving caring marriage, statement 1 DOES mean the same as statement 2. To my mind, it is inherently implied that when you are communicating with your spouse, if she has an objection to something she will tell you. So your answer to 1 or 2 would both be the same.
“The guy is coming over at 4…” “No, that doesn’t work for me. We’ll have to tell him to come at another time.”
“Is it okay with you if the guy comes over at 4…” “No, that doesn’t work for me. We’ll have to tell him to come at another time.”
If he expects your answer to be the same to either of these statements, then are they not equivalent?
MinniePurl, what would happen if you made an impulse purchase without consulting your husband? What would his reaction be? If he gets upset, you can point out to him how you felt when he bought the dishes without your input.
Mountain, meet molehill. Honestly, I don’t care whether or not you’re pregnant, you’re treating his thoughtful gesture like a crime. If you don’t like the dishes, say “Honey, that was very nice, but I had something different in mind.”
How would you feel if you bought him a hammer because he said his broke, and he was angry because HE didn’t get to pick it out, and besides, he wanted a fiberglass handle instead of a wooden one. In some cases, it truly is the thought that counts.
The first one is a statement. The decision has been made, and if you object, it’s going to upset the apple-cart. To me, it implies that no input is desired or expected. It’s acceptable for a parent to speak this way to a child, or an employer to an employee-- but to speak this way to someone who is supposed to be your equal implies at the worst contempt, and at the best a total obliviousness to the idea that the person you are speaking to has any right to influence the decision at all.
The second one is a question. The decison is only tentative, and there is acknowledgement that you have a right to influence the decision if you so choose.
The difference you see in those two statements implies that the two of you treat each other not as husband and wife, but roommates or business partners. I would assume (in my marriage) that a statement made by my SO is still open for my input, phrased as a question or not. To ask if each and every little thing is okay with the other until death to you part would aggravate me.
Do you expect to be consulted in everything, such as when he fills the car up with gas or buys lunch? Did he ask you about the purchase of each of your Christmas presents, or do you expect him to ask? Marriage involves a certain amount of trust between the partners that the other only has your best interests in mind.
Return the damn plates if you dislike them so much, then take him with you and point out ones that you would like (and buy them if you’re so inclined). He’ll never be able to read your mind, and it’s up to you to help him along in knowing your likes and dislikes.
How ludicrous. Being married means you don’t have to be respectful in speaking to each other? Well, I’m certainly glad I’m not married to YOU. I’ve been paying close attention to how I say things, and if I’m asking someone to do something for me, I put in in the form of a question. I say “Can you pass me that gum?” or “Could you carry this laundry upstairs for me?” I wouldn’t say “Give me that gum” or “Carry that laundry upstairs”-- he’s my husband, not my maid. Even the kids I will ask, depending on the situation. For example I’ll say “Can you get me a soda?”, but not “Can you do your homework now?”.
I don’t expect to be consulted about things that don’t require a decision (like filling the car) or don’t affect me (like what he has for lunch at work). Such a suggestion is ridiculous and you know it. However, if the decision affects me in some way, damn skippy I better be consulted.
Hmmm.
I can see where you’d be upset. I’d want to be involved in picking put plates, too. But then again, he was trying to do something nice. He probably thought you’d be thrilled.
As others have said, pick your battles. (Remember this and repeat it ad finitum when your expected baby hits the teen years. )
You two need to sit down now and have a loooong heart-to-heart talk about lots of things. If you want to be involved and consulted about household purchases, TELL HIM. He’s not a mind reader.
This is going to come up again and again after the baby’s born, trust me.
What kind of plates were they? Expensive fine bone china, like Mikasa or Lenox? Or just every day stuff, from Target? If it was high-end stuff, then you have a right to be truly pissed, if he spent a bundle on good china (even on sale) without consulting you. If it was just stuff for every day use, and it’s just plain white, then I’d say no biggie. I could live with plain white dishes for a while. Ask someone like your mother for new dishes for your birthday or Christmas and tell her you want to pick them out.
OOOOoooooh I get it now! He’s an engineer! (It may not be his job description, but it’s how his brain works.) I married one too. Not to be mean, but you really do have to spell this stuff out for him.
He’s all “cause-response” - solving a stated problem. This might not be the best timed solution, but as long as it’s solved, it’s OK. He’s probably feeling a little out-of-the-loop because you’re doing all the gestating and he’s not. He is not trying to piss you off by not including you. As far as he’s concerned, you were included. You pointed out a need. He fulfilled it, and on-sale too. He expected an “attaboy”, but instead you got mad. He has no idea why.
You’re all “emotion-response” - and nesting on top of that. You want to be included in the reasoning behind the decisions. And you’re afraid that he will cubby-hole you as the mom-machine and take you for granted. The best solution, and this will annoy the hell out of both of you, is sitting down once a week and working on a budget. You need to make a list of what is needed to prepare for the baby - in the order they need to be purchased/completed. Then talk each week about what can be done. That way, you both are forced to be involved in the budgeting process.
And the issueing orders rather than asking for assistance? That will take a lot of time to work out. Hubby, after 10 years of being together, will bark out a command for me from time to time. Which is now met with a blank look - he can ask me to do anything in the world and I’ll try. Tell me and it ain’t gonna happen.
Good Luck. It will all work out in the long run, but you will have to be persistent about standing up for yourself.
No, being married means that respect is IMPLIED in everything that you say.
Certainly a direct request would be phrased “Can you bring me the pack of gum?”
But if we are trying to arrange a viewing to sell something, I am going to make the appointment and assume my wife will object cheerfully if she objects. She does the same. We automatically assume that the other made a reasonable decision, and know that an alternate opinion does not imply a rejection of our love. As Horseflesh said, why didn’t you just return the dishes?
I be a bit annoyed about the plates, but not all that upset. I think more is going on here than just plates (as many have said).
MinniePearl, you seem to be very concerned that your husband doesn’t consider your input in decisions. Perhaps you have reason to be. Or perhaps the whole soon-to-be-mom thing is bringing up some worries you have about losing your identity. Are you sure it’s not you that’s more concerned about staying at home and not having your own paycheck (and with it, some degree of independence)?
I can see both sides for the examples you mentioned (the plates and the appointment). It could be these are little things that really don’t imply lack of respect for your wishes. Or they could be part of a pattern that does imply some problems there.
Regardless of whether there’s a real problem or not, you feel there is. So you need to talk to your husband and let him know your concerns. Don’t put him on defensive. Just tell him what is concerning you. He may not mean anything and may be able to put your mind at ease. Or there may be something you need to work on together. But you need to talk about it to find out.
I wouldn’t be at all upset about the plates. He thought there was money for them, knew you were unhappy with the ones you had, and probably thought you’d be thrilled to have the new ones.
(Note to self: Don’t get anyone pregnant. Regular hormones are bad enough.)
If I had a spouse and she bought new plates without asking me, I’d be pleased. I get new stuff to eat off of, and I don’t have to waste my time picking them out… what’s not to like? As long as they can go in the dishwasher and the microwave, any plates are fine with me.
OTOH, if she picked out a new TV or stereo without asking me, I might be upset, if it was missing some feature or gizmo that I wanted. But even then, I wouldn’t really be upset, I’d just suggest exchanging it - I’d realize she was trying to help, and wasn’t as picky as I would’ve been.
It sounds like you are saying “I don’t have to show my wife that I respect her, she should just assume that I respect her because I married her however many years ago.” I’m sorry, but that sounds like a recipe for divorce to me. I don’t knock myself out, but I continue to show my husband the ways that I appreciate and respect him, and I expect the same in return. My first husband thought much the same way you do, and that’s a large part of why he’s not my current husband, why I don’t miss him one whit, and why even if I had never met my current husband, I’d rather be alone forever than be back with my first husband.
I did have a talk with my husband, and told him that basically I want him to treat me the same way I treat him. I don’t make impulse purchases, because I think our money is too tight to buy ANYTHING right now without careful consideration. (We’ve even run into trouble when I have asked him “I want to buy X, Y and Z, for this reason. Do we have enough money to do that?” and he agreed, but he didn’t really understand what those things cost.) I don’t order him around, because I feel that to do so would be belittling. I want the same in return. He agreed.
I watch football and play with guns and trucks and stuff. My wife buys dishes and sheets and lamps and other needful things. This arrangement works out to our complete satisfaction.
Maybe get your husband a rifle or electric train set and he’ll quit buggin’ you about the freakin’ dishes?
I’m not even married, and this sounds like a minefield to me. When I’m with my family, if someone wants the salt, they say “Pass the salt.” This doesn’t mean “I ORDER YOU TO PASS THE SALT! YOUR INPUT IS NOT DESIRED OR EXPECTED!” It means “Would you be so kind as to pass the salt, please?”
Here’s the way the converation would ideally go with my totally made up husband, Figment:
In the event I am not doing anything at four:
FIGMENT: The guy is coming at four about the thing.
ME: Okay.
– OR –
FIGMENT: Is it okay if the guy comes at four about the thing?
ME: Sure.
In the event I am busy at four:
FIGMENT: The guy is coming at four about the thing.
ME: Well, I hope you’re dealing with him because I can’t, I’m doing [whatever].
– OR –
FIGMENT: Is it okay if the guy comes at four about the thing?
ME: Not if you want me to deal with it, I’m busy doing [whatever].
It sounds to me like you are not feeling respected by your spouse, and even without having been married, I know from experience that once you feel that way, you see a lack of respect in a lot of things. When you feel like a nail, everything looks like a hammer, you know? But I don’t think that problem will be solved with careful phrasing, but with a discussion about what you ned from him in order to feel respected. Though feel free to tell me to stuff it, it ain’t my marriage.
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