Wow…we’ll have to go over this point by point over a brewski or something. Color me intrigued!
Not all guys are out there to cheat on their wives, come on. My ex-wife and I were seperated for a couple of years prior to getting a divorce. The reason was I was still in the Marines and it made financial sense to do so (insurance, etc.) and it probably makes sense for insurance reasons for a lot of jobs.
I met my current wife while legally married and we are happy (and she knew that I was seperated). I think the key thing is to see the place they live in (I had a seperate house with a room for my son) and see what kind of relationship is there for the soon-to-be-ex-wife and man. When I was dating wife #2 she definitely paid serious attention to it. I did not hide telephone calls with the ex and made sure I talked extra open in front of her (I would tell my seperated wife that I was out with _______ so _______ would not think I was hiding her).
No way. Call me the day after the divorce is final; I’m not dating a married guy for any reason, no matter what. I do not care why they are still married, or how long they’ve been seperated.
Nope. I’m one of those too afraid of getting burned.
Part of it is that I’ve known too many people who separte with a lot of animosity and swear they will never, ever get back together. And then they do. Perhaps they get back together for the kids, or they realize they aren’t quite as happy as they thought they’d be without their spouse, or they find it’s too hard to be single, or whatever. I’ve seen it a lot.
Then there’s the fact that it’s hard to get involved with someone who’s going through any kind of serious break up. There’s another person who’s out of their life but is still very much a part of it. That’s true for recently divorced as well as separated people. It’s hard to come in while memories of that relationship are still so fresh and so raw. You’re often compared to the ex (favorably or unfavorably). The person often projects their exes behaviour onto you (yeah, I know your ex tried to control your every movement, but I’m not trying to do that–I just want to know what time to be ready for dinner).
Finally, having a kid involved makes it that much more problematic. I know too many kids who keep hoping (or even believing) that their parents will get back together, even when there’s ample evidence it won’t happen. It’s bad enough when the divorce is final. Before that happens, I can imagine many kids still holding out hope. The last thing I want is to start a relationship with one of their parents. I’d always be seen as that hussy ho-bag who kept mom and pop from patching things up!
I wasn’t saying I thought anyone was wrong. How can you be wrong about something like this? I was calling BS on their reasons. And it’s not quite the same as not dating bald guys. That is a physical attractiveness issue - either not their type or they look too old or whatever. Nor is it the same as college degrees. That is a money/professional lifestyle thing. Not dating available, but technically married guys is almost always a legitimate fear of getting burned.
Just because couples stop loving each other, doesn’t make them instantly unmarried.
All the more reason to not worry about her health insurance. If she initiated the divorce, then she should have realized that she would no longer be on his health insurance. I don’t care why the person is still married; I wouldn’t date them until the divorce was finalized.
I was going to post something about this in Belrix’s thread - I think that was the thread where his wife wants to stay on his insurance. This happened with my first marriage as well…my ex-husband was SHOCKED that he’d be dropped from my insurance when the divorce was final - and more shocked (in a less than amicable divorce) that I’d drop him the moment I had a chance when the year switched so I didn’t need to pay for him. Do people really think that my employer wants to continue to pay insurance premiums for my ex-partner? Did he really think I wanted to keep picking up my portion?
This seems like the ultimate in “I want to have my cake and eat it too.” And its so demeaning to the idea of marriage. I know marriage is a lot of different things to a lot of different people (see Foxy’s thread, or any thread in which our Poly members weigh in), but assuming you are getting divorced, it was once about more than insurance (I’m not a big fan on words like sacred, but even for me, there is something sacred about marriage - and I married an atheist in front of a judge). To initiate a divorce, drag the other party through hell, and then say “but I think we should not actually file because of the insurance” seems selfish and crass.
Well, they don’t hate each other. They just can’t be married to each other (they married each other twice…can you stand it?). He could leave her hanging in the breeze, but that isn’t exactly the message he wants to send his son, either. She found a part time job, which will help, but he doesn’t have a problem helping out until her situation is better.
I’m not saying he should hate her. I don’t hate my ex-girlfriends, either, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to pay for their health insurance.
This still isn’t a reason to stay married. He could easily give her some money to pay for her own health insurance or to help pay to raise his son. Sure, it’ll cost more to get her on a different insurance policy, but saving a few bucks isn’t the reason to stay married.
No.
I’ve known a couple guys that dated women that were going to be divorced in the future. After marriage they started to play the field again after a short period of time. They showed how unloyal they could be, when they didn’t like the arangements once, and the guys found out after marriage that these women stayed true to their previous character. What goes around, comes around.
My husband and I were both married (in the technical only sense) when we started dating. For me, it was a matter of waiting and waiting and waiting on my ex to get off his ass and file and sign the papers (I eventually paid for it all myself and took him to a lawyer just to get it over with). For my now-husband he simply could not find her. It was a bad deal all the way around - met this girl, married her within a short time, she took off six months in. Real skank. After cleaning up his life (you don’t think I dated him still in that state of mind, do you?) we met and started kind-of dating and it eventually progressed into dinner and a movie type things. One day someone said “Are you guys married?” and I replied “Not to each other” - it just sort of fell out. We realized then that we were serious about each other and needed to take care of legalities to make our families, society, the landlord, whoever, and most importantly, ourselves, feel better.
So never say never.
Having said that (rather ramblingly, I might add), I would not date your friend on the basis that his paying for her insurance smells of not letting go to me. I understand the need to be nice. I did it for my ex for a long time, and he called me to let me know the insurance end date so I could get my glasses and stuff like that; when you start to really inconvenience yourself for the sake of being “nice” to your ex, I don’t think it’s out of left field for potential dates to wonder about the nature or future of their relationship. I would.