Would You Date A Married-but-Separated Person?

Absolutely not. They are still married so its like asking would you date a married perosn? No way. They are with the spouse legally because they are still attached and can’t let go yet.
I won’t be number 2.

Well see now (in fact see my above post, #22) that’s just not true. In my case they were “together” for purely legal reasons that they couldn’t get out of without it making the whole thing harder and uglier. No, he didn’t let go of her entirely…in terms of making things harder and uglier. Good for him. Good for a guy who still cares about his ex…I don’t think (short of serious abuse) I would trust a person who was not on good terms with his ex. Shows lack of character. Being friends with your ex is a very good sign.

And don’t mean I’m not number 1 :stuck_out_tongue:

I think I’d follow what Mama did.

She was from Jamaica; her Mom died when she was 13 and her eldest sister packaged out ASAP: married at 17 to a 33yo nice man who died of cancer six years later, leaving her with a little kid. She left the kid at home for the time being and moved up to New Jersey, to the home of one of her brothers. Got a job, started the paperwork to bring her baby up. Met a guy who asked her out; she knew he was divorced.

So she said “before saying yes or no, give me your wife’s phone number.” She met with the ex-wife, asked what happened, found out he didn’t have any of the problems she would consider a deal-breaker, said yes. They eventually got married.

So I’d have to speak with the wife and verify that yes, they are “married” because paperwork takes a long time or something like that.

I wouldn’t, and I’ve had the opportunity. In my case, the guy I turned down turned out to be a sleaze bag in other regards, but I didn’t know that at the time. Like Eureka, I have a great deal of respect for marriage and marital vows. Depending on the circumstances, I’d be willing to be friends with someone who was separated – hell, my cousin met the fellow in her life before her divorce was final – but not date him. If he’s having, he’s worth waiting for and, if he’s not worth having, I’ll be better off not having wasted my time.

If I were myself dating, I might. Of course, if I were dating, I would be cheating on my husband, so I would be in no position to throw stones.

Okay, if I were still single, then. I might, I didn’t have a per se rule about legal status, just about sneaking around and so on. I did date a fellow who was still married – he asked me out and I laughed and said, “Yeah, let me talk to your wife and see if it’s okay with her and I’ll think about it” and he arranged that without turning a hair. They had An Arrangement.

On the flip side, I remained living with a significant other after we broke up for nearly a year and I had a hard time getting dates during that time, too. Which seemed to me reasonable though I am not sorry I did it. But I am not really given to hard and fast rules in my approach to life so the folks who wouldn’t date me, probably wouldn’t like me all that much either.

However, you don’t sound like you are talking about the same thing I was when I was talking about dating. I can think of no reason that a person should be shunned from ordinary social contact because they are not divorced yet or because they have children; on the other hand, I would not consider taking that relationship beyond the casual until, well, they were free to do so.

Heh. I advised him to bring a note from the wife when he goes out.

I like that! A very no-nonsense approach to the situation. Good for her!

Under the conditions you have outlined, no.

I dated a woman 12 years ago who was separated and had filed for divorce. She definately had no plans to turn back and I was OK with it.

But this seems pretty wish-washy and no, I would not date someone under those conditions.

Even though she’s dating?

Nava, Marienee, you describe the best approach: no sneaking around.

I must change my mind a little. I’d date a married-but-separated women only after investigating and being sure that everything was open and okay.

I find the logic those who say they wouldn’t date this guy fascinating. Posters who’d rather be dead than caught following rules just to follow rules have “too much respect for marriage”?

Marriage is an emotional state, a social or religious institution, and a legal state. To me, this man’s marriage is over. In no sense do either he or his wife consider themselves married. Emotionally, they are not married. While there are those like jabiru, who view marriage as a “till death do us part”, it doesn’t sound like any other posters have that view. In what social setting are these two still married? If this guy were an evangelical Christian, and any kind of catch, you can bet there would be women in his church considering him. The only sense in which this guy is married is the least important - the legal sense. Ironically, of course, it isn’t illegal to date a married guy, but hardly any of you would.

Linty Fresh has it right. Many of you wouldn’t date him, because too many sleazy married people claim to be in a position like his, but really aren’t. You are afraid of getting burned, or in a nasty situation. It certainly happens. To a minor degree it happened to me. My wife lived 50-60 miles from her husband, during the school year, but she didn’t fully move out until after she met me. Yes, there was some ugliness involved, but we got through it. I could easily have been burned. Now, 25 years later, she is too prim, proper, and socially conventional. She would be like the majority in this thread, unwilling to date someone like this guy, even though she dated me in a less unmarried state. Which is the other reason many of you wouldn’t date him. It violates social convention.

We are afraid of getting burned, and why not? Too many people have gotten burned and I won’t make the same mistakes my friend did. I have her example right in front of me, screaming at the top of its lungs.

Plus I have a real problem with being dependent on someone else even though you’re not in love with them or whatever. I have this huge fierce independent streak in me. My parents used my dependence on them in every aspect of my life - couldn’t get a bank account without them, couldn’t have any money without them, couldn’t even cut my hair without them. It was nothing more than a lever, and they used it to good effect in the end. So that time still stings and it would bother me terribly if the man I loved still had a financial relationship with his spouse that she could potentially use as a lever. No, thank you, I want you to be free and clear of that. I don’t mind you being friends, but the legal and financial link should be and must be over before I get into it.

I even thought about the talking to the wife thing but even that wouldn’t work for me…it’s a psychological thing I admit and I’d not get involved.

Like someone else said, there’s plenty of single or divorced potential mates out there if I re-enter the dating pool.

My wife would be pretty pissed if I dated anybody, and I’d feel the same if she did. My boys would be devastated too; it would be as if their world had dissolved like a sandcastle at high tide. I couldn’t hurt the people I love like that. Or, to quote Al Bundy, “I’m ruined for any other woman.”

I did once, and only because he was actually in the process of divorce and they hadn’t even lived in the same state for 3 years. Even then, it was still a huge dampener on our relationship–I could never shake off the feeling of being a harlot. Never, ever again.

SlowMindThinking, some women won’t date bald guys or guys without college degrees. I wouldn’t date a married guy. If other women are willing to, that’s their affair.

Wow, you people are TOUGH. Glad I didn’t read this thread around the time I separated from my husband, it would have left me suicidal.

I think you need to take things on a case-by-case basis. Is someone resisting divorce because they’re still hung up on ex-spouse, or is there some more mundane reason?

I separated from my then-husband on amicable terms, no strings (kids) attached. Consequently, we agreed on the no-fault divorce route (UK here). This requires that you are officially separated for two clear years before either party can initiate divorce proceedings. Was I to remain celebate and/or partnerless for all that time? Seems pretty harsh. Separation and divorce are bad enough, without enforced loneliness thrown in for good measure.

What’s more, if one party refuses a divorce, and unless the other party can force a divorce through adultery, dissertion or unreasonable behaviour, you have to wait FIVE clear years. So if my husband had decided to play hard ball, that’s FIVE YEARS in the wilderness for me. Thanks guys.

(As it happens, I luckily met someone with less stringent ‘morals’ a year after my separation. Seven years later and still very happy, thanks for asking).

No. If he doesn’t care to be married to the woman, then he shouldn’t care about keeping her on his insurance. I’d never date a woman that was married. I’d tell her to get the divorce finalized and then contact me.

For me it would depend on the situation (assuming of course, I weren’t already married), but I wouldn’t date your friend.

This is because there are numerous ways he could arrange to still help his ex-wife out with her insurance that do not involve remaining married to her. I can think of three off the top of my head. The fact that he’s chosen not to do any of those things, but rather to remain married to her for an unspecified amount of time in the future tells me he’s not done with the marriage.

I refuse to date someone who’s not done with their previous marriage.

It’s too messy, on too many levels. If he’s that interested in dating me, he can finalize things and then look me up.

However, it’s reasonably common in my home state (New York) for people to be totally done with their marriage, but waiting out the time for the formalities to be completed. In a lot of those situations, the two people are living in separate residences, living separate lives, and are already divorced in all but name. Then it would depend on my sense of whether or not the guy was emotionally ready to get involved again (to start a relationship). If it’s just casual dating for the sake of dating, I wouldn’t object. If it was starting a serious relationship, it would depend on where the guy was emotionally.

So, I’m not categorically opposed, but it’s a definite red flag.

She initiated the divorce.

Yeah, Kal, I’d date your friend (except for that whole I’m married right now to Mr2U and he frowns on me dating thing) - in fact, when I met Mr2U, I was still married. Granted, the ex and I were through with a capital T and Mr2U knew it, but me being married didn’t scare him away. It was kind of fun celebrating my divorce when it came through with Mr2U (which is a whole 'nother story in itself - he never ever thought I’d get divorced because of how an ex had treated him - long, long story.)