Would you do this to a child?

No, I am a big believer in sociobiology. Older people aren’t worth as much once they get past their reproductive years. They can make this back easily by helping their kids and grand kids grow and support them in as they grow older. Most do pretty well in this role. Some do not. I knew all four of my grandparents and three of them were great (two still are).

My maternal grandmother was a complete waste of space including chain smoking, morbid obesity, depending on her kids for everything, drinking, and being verbally abusive. She lived in Fort Worth, Texas until I was about 16 and she moved into the same town in Louisiana that we lived in getting accomodations in government subsidized housing. She was a master of comments like those described in the OP.

My mother is a highly successful person and can please virtually everyone through her speeches yet she could never please her own mother yet she tried and tried. She physically, verbally, and emotionally abused my mother from birth because she is her only daughter. During the election that elected Bill Clinton to the first term, I called our house without knowing she was there and she answered the phone. I proudly told her that I met Bill Clinton twice that night and I thought that it was cool.

She flat out told me that I was a piece of trash for going in the first place and I shouldn’t have even called because she was disgusted. That was just a typical sample of the way she treated people especially her family. She was also notorious for belittling people’s gifts to her as some as she opened them and made her kids take them back right away to get a slightly different gift.

Right before she moved into our town, I got a job in the local supermarket that I was very, very proud of because it gave me financial freedom against terrible family circumstances. I found out that my grandmother was going on food stamps as some as she moved there. I told out told my mother that I didn’t want her in the store at all especially when I was there. For some reason, they went along with it and she took the old folks bus to the store 15 miles away instead. That was cool.

She died suddenly a few hours after complications from hip replacement surgery and I got the call right before I went to work in the morning. “I am sorry for your loss” was the most kind thing I could muster to my mother and that was the end of it. My mother told me this year that I hurt her by doing that and I felt terrible but I told her I could not do anything else in good faith.

I know it sounds like I am a stubborn asshole mainly because I am but I am also a kind person. My father is the worthless asshole parent but his mother is an awesome grandparent even in her 80’s and she helped raise me. I would do anything for her. I would fly down on 2 hours notice if something happened and I could help.

That supports my point. I love my children unconditionally but that does not flow up the chain. Sociobiology dictates that both my parents and any upstream relatives have to provide some worth before they tap into any of our resources at all. My mother could but my father can’t and my MIL can but my FIL can’t. My paternal grandmother can as well but my maternal grandfather can’t. No resources flow in that direction unless they are deserved.

I know this makes me sound like a prick and the reason for that may be self-evident but it is based on sociobiology scientific theory.

Thanks for the illumination, brujaja. And please look for support whenever needed. I have a wacko mother who is currently making my life hell in ways I never dreamed of when I was a child simply anxious to grow up and get the hell out … realizing other Dopers are coping with evil crazy people too helps, somehow.

The worst is when they were always so nasty that you can’t tell from their cruel remarks if they are getting some form of dementia, isn’t it? That’s the case with my mother right now.

My score was a 98 and my mom’s comment was. . . “why wasn’t it a 100?!”

I’m in the same club. I’d bring home an exam with “96%” on it and Dad would say “so, 4 mistakes, then?”

He was joking, or he thought so anyway, but I can tell you, from a kid’s point of view, it sure sucked.

brujaja, it was incredibly mean of his grandmother to say that, and I’m glad to hear that he’s got a good enough opinion of his abilities that it’s not bothering him too much. But be sure to praise him and encourage him - he can’t hear it enough.

Thanks everyone for your empathy & encouragement. ** ivylass,** I have the exact same theory of grandparenting. I plan to exude conspiratorial benevolence towards all parties, should I become a grandmother. And, I would like nothing better than to do as you suggest, and keep him away from her… but it’s a little more complicated than that, alas.

Shagnasty, I don’t see anything wrong with your attitude. There are people who can’t ever be bothered to accord a person the least dignity or warmth, who will gleefully latch onto and even waste that same person’s resources if they can, usually while hoarding ample resources of their own somewhere. One sees this all the time.

Which is not to say that I don’t think it’s good to try to be forgiving, let stuff go, be a bigger person than they are, show them a better way, etc. All of these things are things we ought to do much of the time. But not with everyone, eh?

Yeesh, I really don’t understand the large number of people whose parents or GPs said stuff like several of you have mentioned. Hard to picture how people can be mean to kids. My kid just makes me feel lucky to have him.

When I scored a 98 or 99 in school tests, my father (the former math teacher and high school headmaster) used to always say, “What happened to the other 1% / 2%?” And I think he was only half-joking! It really sucks to feel like you came so close to parental approval!

brujaja, tell your mother to take a running jump! Your son did a fantastic job and you should be (and clearly are) rightly proud of him!

Sounds like my mom. My 4.0 in college the first time around was met with “well I should hope so.” Bloody hell, what grades do I have to accomplish to actually make her proud??

I agree with others that you should probably not have your son spend time with her. Why expose him to poison?

Wait - do we share a mother??? :eek: Not only was I expected to get the top scores in the class (which I rarely did) - I was also supposed to be the first one done on exams. Because fast and correct is what it’s all about. :rolleyes:

Crap like that affected the way I spoke to my kid about her schoolwork. My emphasis was more on “OK, you missed this and this - do you understand where you had a problem?” I figure even if you screw up an algebra test, if you can look at it and see that you need to pay more attention to signs, then you’ve learned. Sure, straight As are nice, but learning is better.

Wow - lots of people in the same boat as me then, reassuring to know :slight_smile:

Word. Perfect post.

Too bad its not Orkin’s job to spray for termagants…

(I kid, I kid…)

When my DS was younger, he had a rich and complex fantasy life that he would tell you about in great detail.

He was a cyborg secret agent millionaire from the planet Zorgon (which was destroyed in the war and he was sent to earth to be my son AND he picked ME to be his mom!) who lived in a million story mansion and made a million dollars a day grinding coffee beans (or sometimes oatmeal) and was constantly in danger of being fired from his mean boss who was insanely jelous that DS had 5 (count 'em, 5!) girlfriends, etc.

I loved this story.

Anyway, one day he was telling this story to his great grandma.

She told him “You wanna know why that’s a stupid story?”

He sorta misunderstood what she was saying and said “No, it’s not a stupid story. I really am a cyborg secret agent millionaire from the planet…etc.”

She cut him off and said “It’s a stupid story because if you were a millionaire, you wouldn’t have a boss!”

I was just shocked by this exchange.

Because for all the reasons this really was a ‘stupid story’, the millionaire issue really wouldn’t have been my first choice!!

We had a grandpa like that. Guess who we had nothing to do with for their last 20 years of life? I got my brothers to go to the funeral, as a do this for dad thing. That’s the only reason I went too. The worse grandpa was, the better dad was, because he went and did the opposite of what his dad would do.

Yes, we can be forgiving and let stuff go with everyone. Because that’s for ourselves. But we don’t have to allow them access to continue the stuff that they’ve been doing that’s hurtful. Those are different things.

I agree. Lots of millionaires have bosses. The really implausible part of the story is that Zorgon would use the same currency as the United States. (Or maybe Canada.)

:stuck_out_tongue:

For this application I recommend the cutthroat trout, due to the sheer size and stopping power.

Seriously, that is so fucked up–if I ever spoke to my grandson that way my daughter would have me out in the woodshed so fast my head would spin, and rightly so.

People like that don’t deserve grandkids.

Well, apparently, he didn’t really start raking in the Big Bucks until he got that coffee grinding gig here on Earth. :stuck_out_tongue:

What does her astrological sign have to do with it?
:wink:

No. Let me put it this way: NO. My paternal grandmother was a right royal bitch to me–including such gems as mailing all the other kid’s Christmas presents in a huge box, but leaving mine out, twice. So, in answer to your naive question: NO.

Her age does not excuse her meanness (unless she truly does have Alzheimer’s).

I’d take HS over again rather than endure some of the shit my family has spewed. YMM, obviously, V.

No. You owe them, as you owe everybody, basic human respect. This means that there is to be no kicking, biting or punching when you interact with them. It is entirely possible to be such a flaming asshole that you lose all of the other privileges of being a parent/grandparent, up to and including the privilege of seeing and speaking to your descendants.

Giving birth to another human being is not an accomplishment. Raising another human being to be a functional, well-adjusted and capable adult is an accomplishment. If you are successful at this, then you can reap the rewards; if you fail at this, you have to live with the consequences. brujaja can choose to reward her in spite of her bad behavior, but certainly does not have to.

Well, a smidgeon of decency, yes. But only because they are another living organism. My wife’s cat deserves a smidgeon of decency even though she(the cat) pees on anything that doesn’t look like a litter box.

Anything more than a smidge, however, is love. And the love you get is equal to the love you give. Granny in the OP sounds like suck. When to comes to picking the long-term care facility, she gets the one decorated in 30 year-old linoleum and which reeks of stale piss.