Wow, having such mean grandparents is unfathomable to me. I guess I was really lucky. I now love them and miss them even more.
brujaja, I think the only person you need to hit with a trout is yourself. Do you really need our opinions on whether or not your mother acted appropriately? Do you really need our advice on how to support your son through this? No. You KNOW what the right thing is. I suggest you engage in fishy flagellation until you realize it.
Well, brujaja, if she’s starting to lose it it doesn’t sound like she’s getting “personality changes” so much as “personality sharpening.”
Kudos to your son for being able to respond. Would you like a salmon to slap your Mom with? There’s farms here, I should be able to find one young enough to wield…
Illuminatiprimus, are you my brother?
[QUOTE=Mojo Pin]
Wait…what the fuck?
I get that grandparents can lose the love and respect of their grandchildren by being assholes, but its hard for me to fathom this kind of animosity. However much they fail in their duty to you (general you), you owe them a smidgeon of decency by virtue of the fact that they are largely the reason you exist, no?
[/QUOTE]
Lemme guess . . . you’re Asian too. 
Being respectful to my elders is so ingrained in me that I really can’t do otherwise, but that doesn’t mean I like it or agree with it. Thankfully I only have one living grandparent and she is the sweetest woman alive and loves me a lot more than I probably deserve.
As for demanding parents, don’t get me started. I got a B+ in science class once (third grade) and my parents made me feel like I’d committed the Unforgiveable Sin.
[QUOTE=ivylass]
I would stop letting your son visit her or see her or call her. There’s no reason for such nastiness. Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandchildren, sit back and laugh knowingly when they act up, slip them money when their parents aren’t looking.
At least your son knows better. That speaks volumes to your parenting. Quite frankly, there’s really no reason for him to spend any time with her, is there?
[/QUOTE]
Once again, **ivylass **speaks wisdom. (hugs & prayers your way, ivylass, I’ve been following your situation.)
You may feel you have a filial duty* towards your mom, bru, but you have an even greater duty towards your son. Your duty to your son includes sparing him from emotional abuse, if it is in your power. Cutting off is contact with your mom is not a punitive action against her, but a protective one towards him.
Also, and this is a lesson for which I have paid a hefty price in emotional torment, your duty towards your mom does NOT require YOU to submit to her abuse either. Your duty to your mom is to be respectful, avoiding retaliatory abuse, and to see that her basic material needs are met, if she’s incapable of doing so. Beyond that, if she will not stop this hurtful behavior, you are perfectly within your right to withdraw contact with her yourself. Again, this is not punitive, just protective.
You can have a matter-of-fact talk to you mom, where you spell out that:
a) her behaviour is abusive, hurtful, and not appropriate.
b) she has hurt you and her grand-son.
c) you are going to withdraw contact if this continues.
d) you would prefer to maintain contact if she can modify her behaviour.
be prepared for theatrics, guilt trips, threats and wild accusations. Just remain calm, say your piece, and leave. If you want, write it out on a letter you can leave behind when you go. Then wait 3-4 weeks before any contact. Then ask her if she has though about it.
-trupa, who’s been there, got counseling, done the intervention, got the T-shirt, when his mom freaked out over the non-whiteness of his new wife.
** mentions of duties and obligations here are from a Catholic Christian perspective. Your ethical framework may differ. Please adjust as necessary.*
[QUOTE=Mojo Pin]
Wait…what the fuck?
I get that grandparents can lose the love and respect of their grandchildren by being assholes, but its hard for me to fathom this kind of animosity. However much they fail in their duty to you (general you), you owe them a smidgeon of decency by virtue of the fact that they are largely the reason you exist, no?
[/QUOTE]
I’m wondering if you would say the same thing about my ex-father-in-law who called his four year old granddaughter a whore. :mad:
Yes, you read that right - not fourteen, four.
First of all: Ca3799! AAAAARGHHH! I am such a mild-mannered altruistic person; but when people do something like that to a sweet beautiful innocent child’s wide-open heart, it makes me want to smash things!!
Okay, I’m a mother – I know that kids, even little ones, are not exactly “innocent”, in the sense that they will gleefully conduct empirical experiments as extra credit for their course in “Lying, Dissembling, & Obfuscation 1A.” They will try to nab unauthorized candy at every opportunity. They will make the cat a neurotic wreck.
But their hearts, their hearts are open and their feelings in earnest and NOBODY should stomp all over their imaginations like that.
Forgive me if I am overreacting. I can see that I am going to have to tell you guys about the All-Day Monster. When my son was about three he bagan telling me stories about his friend, The All-Day Monster. TADM was much beloved of his wife and nine children. (Although I’ve forgotten them, they all had names.) He too, like CA3799’s young son, seemed to lead a life both full and rewarding. His activities were many, and he gave great parties. I was fortunate enough to be invited to attend one of them.
After enjoying the mostly vicarious acquaintance of this eminent Monster for some time – say a year or two – it suddenly occurred to me that I KNEW WHO THE ALL-DAY MONSTER REALLY WAS! When my boy was particularly naughty, I would sometimes say to him, “Honestly! You’ve been a monster all day!”
When I asked him about this, he laughed that delightful toddler laugh. Hee hee hee hee hee! Mama finally catches a clue!
But, I would never dream of taking a pin to that sweet beautiful bubble. Particularly not with a word like “stupid.”
Now then:
[QUOTE=SmartAleq]
For this application I recommend the cutthroat trout, due to the sheer size and stopping power.
[/QUOTE]
Dang. Another keyboard, ruined. Fabulous fishpic, though. Is that you with the grin?
[QUOTE=Zyada]
I’m wondering if you would say the same thing about my ex-father-in-law who called his four year old granddaughter a whore. :mad:
Yes, you read that right - not fourteen, four.
[/QUOTE]
He WHAT? You know, living in Oakland, I sometimes forget that we don’t have exclusive rights to severely messed-up haters. And don’t start me about how much misogyny little girls have to internalize when they can still barely talk! The little girl I babysit is only three; and the other day she told me, “Big boobs are good. Little boobs are bad.” Yeeesh!
I had no idea this topic would engender so many responses, and thank you all for responding. To all of you who were snarked or dis-encouraged by relatives from clueless to just plain mean: As a mother and therefore a representative of the Great Mother, I say to you now, though belatedly – “Well done. You are so cool. I am very proud you, of your effort and your achievements, and you rock!”
[QUOTE=trupa]
Also, and this is a lesson for which I have paid a hefty price in emotional torment, your duty towards your mom does NOT require YOU to submit to her abuse either.
[/QUOTE]
Or, as my parish priest once told me, “you can’t take care of your mother after you’ve let her kill you.”
