You've become a nasty old bitch, Ma

The BBQ Pit
1

(I am so angry, I apologize in advance for typos)

Saturday LilMiss and I were at my sisters house. My mom was there also. So was my grand niece. Niece is babbling away, being her usual obnoxious self. LilMiss tells her to settle down please (we all heard the please) because the niece was taking puzzles pieces and scattering them around (on a puzzle LilMiss was trying to put together). My mom… “SHUT UP”. What the fuck? What did LilMiss do? It is kinda fucking difficult to do a puzzle when a 4 year old is taking the pieces away. How did that merit a Shut Up? When I called my mom on it, she just smirked at me.

Mom and Dad were just here. I reminded them that LilMiss has a concert tonight. “We don’t want to go”. Why? “No reason”.

Fuck you. You’ve become nastier and meaner every fucking day. You KNOW this concert m,eans a lot to her. She stressed out practicing because she thought you would be there- you “missed” every other fucking concert she has had. She can’t so anything right in your mind, can she, bitch? She ten years old! What did she do to you? She doesn’t talk back, but she does speak her mind. Why does she ALWAYS get told shut up? Why does she not measure up to the new greatgrandbabies? Why is she not worth your time anymore?

And HOW do you tell a ten year old that gramma is a fucking bitch who just doesn’t fucking care?

2

Wow. What a bitch! And I thought my Grandma could me mean!

3

There’s nothing worse than a grandparent that sets a horrible example. They’re supposed to be comforting and nurturing. However, I don’t think you should say anything to your daughter that’s nasty about her grandparents. She’ll figure it out on her own, much the way kids figure out about bad/absentee/deadbeat parents.

You should tell your parents not to speak that way to her. It’s insulting and dismissive to tell someone – anyone – to shut up. If she can’t abide by that rule, lessen the time you spend with her.

Bring a friend or a sibling with to the concert instead. She’ll still feel like people are interested in what she’s doing. She probably doesn’t like being around Grandma all that much anyway. I know I didn’t like being around one of my grandmothers. She was cold and didn’t give a shit about us, and we knew it.

Good luck at the concert!

4

It’s very simple. Some people are bitches.

I don’t know your relationship with your mother, but I would minimize as much contact between her and LilMiss. LilMiss is going to get hurt in life, but there’s no need for you to help someone hurt her.

Is this a new thing for your mom, or has she always been this way? Could her change in personality be the sign of some illness?

5

I have tried talking to her (my mom), but I ended up crying (still am, actually). In her opinion, I’m making much over nothing. I’m too sensitive. I’m a wimp. Don’t I know they have other things they’d rather be doind than listen to a bunch of 4th & 5th graders screech away on their strings?

I don’t fucking care what you’d rather be doing. You supported her when she started. You paid for lessons, forcristsake!When LilMiss wanted to quit lessons, you sat down with dad and we discussed it with her.

LilMiss is supposed to be spending a lot of time over there this summer- lack of funds for summer daycare and our desire to spend time with my dad- he doesn’t have much longer, non-treatable prostrate cancer. But fuck it. I don’t my daughter to have to deal with the bitch. I am in so much pain on her behalf. I don’t know what to do. Mom pushed her to take communion classes at church. She went. The night of her first communion? Church wraps up, they leave. No “good job”. Nothing. I’m not a religious person, I didn’t care whether she went or not. She did it for HER. Poor Lilmiss tries and tries, and gets shit on in return.

My mom and I are usually close- I can deal with her better than my sister can, and for the most part I’ve learned to ignore it when she comes after me (when they were here she asked what a bag of stuff in my basement was- for some reason my ex’s GF gave us a bag of clothes. “Throw it out- as if you need mopre crap in your house”. Hello, pot? Mom, you have two bedrooms dedicated to your porcelin stuff. “So what?” GAH) But I can’t ignore it when she goes after LilMiss. It’s unacceptable. But she can’t see that she’s being mean.

6

Speaking as someone who has a mother that many people feel is insufferable, consider opening up some dialogue between you and Cranky Old Grandma when it’s just you and her. Your final analysis of her being a fucking-bitch-that-just-doesn’t-care is not going to get you anywhere. Ask COG “Why are you snapping at my kids like this? Here are my expectations of how you—anyone—should interact with my children. What do I need to do to get this behavior from you?”

Some old folks, regretably, are all but beyond hope. If your parent refuses to behave like an adult, sometimes the (grand)children are required to assume the role.

7

MissTake, how long ago was your father diagnosed with terminal cancer? And how recently has you mother’s behavior become meaner?

I, too, had a nasty old bitch as a “grandmother” (in name only) growing up (fortunately I also had one who was the most wonderful, warm, loving, beautiful human being ever to have graced this earth to balance it), so on the one hand I can totally empathize with dealing with a mean grandparent who seems to favor some family above others (my father’s mother hated us and adored my aunt’s kids).

On the other hand, I have also had a terminally ill parent and I know how dealing with impending death can change some people’s personalities. Not everyone responds to the stress the same way. I suspect your mother is feeling really angry right now – she’s about to lose her husband. She’s angry with G-d, angry with the world, sad, scared and perhaps becoming bitter.

No, it’s not acceptable that she’s taking it out on you and her grandchild, of course. But perhaps a bit understandable if this is something you’ve noticed only since your father’s diagnosis, or since the end appears to be more imminent? Perhaps you’re feeling a little more scared and angry, yourself, than even you’re aware of, too. Just something to consider.

I’m sorry your family’s going through this. I hope you can heal any rifts before your father’s passing. Trust me, you don’t want him to die with the family angry and estranged. Even if only for his sake, try to do whatever you can to minimize the anxiety, even if you’re right about how she is treating you and your child. You won’t regret it, I promise. Godspeed, hon.

8

Dad was diagnosed about a year and a half ago, and is in remission, but he is losing strength fast. He receives some kind of shot every 4 months which works great for 3 1/2 months, then he slows down… the slowing down time is getting worse before each shot. Also, my auntie just came up to stay with them for a few months and she is getting pretty senile. I know she has a lot on her plate. She also chooses to babysit the greatgrandkids quite a bit. We are also thinking mom may be starting a mental decline- she’s been forgetting things quite a bit.

She has never been a warm, fuzzy person. She has always been a bit cold. But mean? Never. She has maybe told me to shut up 3x my entire life. LilMiss gets it almost everytime she is over. LilMiss tries to do things “Grammas Way”, but it’s just not enough. And it’s not as if I can distance us from my parents, we’re a very close family. But it’s a given- get LilMiss and Mom in a room together- LilMiss will end up crying and Mom telling her to Just Shut Up.

In many ways I’ve given up trying to please the woman. It took MANY years to get to that point (34 so far!) and yet I do still try. But how do you tell a 10 year old to ignore her? Her other grandma is non-existant in our lives (LilMiss’s dad and his mom don’t speak, and it has tricked down to LilMiss despite numerous attempts).

9

It sounds like your Mom really needs to see a good doctor for a total work-up. That much of a personality change could be signs of depression, stroke, Alzheimer’s . . . Or, she could just be suffering from Old Bitch Syndrome.

But still, she should have an intensive check-up.

10

Paging Qadgop here, but such a turnaround in personality warrants attention. This could be a sign of a brain tumour - witness Ivan’s Tumour Diary - or senile dementia.

11

One of my grandmas has treated me that way pretty much my entire life. It always seemed that no matter what I did growing up, I didn’t do it quite right. When everybody else was cheering me on, she was telling me to do it a different way. She still does it. For Christmas, I spent hours making a calendar for her with pictures of all of her children, grandchildren, and great-grandchildren. The first thing out of her mouth? “Well, you should have included pictures of so and so …” She did send me a nice thank-you afterward, but she still criticized my hard work right in front of the family. It’s frustrating trying over and over to please someone you love when all you get in return is a snide remark.
My advice to you is to do what my parents did (and what I’m sure you’re already doing): Keep encouraging her to be herself and to pursue things that she enjoys. She’ll blossom into a beautiful, talented young lady in spite of CrankyGrandma and her bad attitude.

12

This is all really important in understanding her recent behavior, especially given that you admit that she’s never been mean before. She may be developing a bit of dementia, she’s caring for an elderly relative who’s suffering from it too, babysitting very young children, all while trying to cope with seeing the man she’s spent the last 35+ years with deteriorating into a debilitating death. It is no surprise to me that she is not coping well with all of that.

My advice on how to explain this to a 10 year old is with the truth. “Grandpa is sick and grandma is feeling very scared and sad about what’s happening to him. Sometimes even grownups don’t always do and say the right thing when they’re scared and agry. She has never been mean to you before and I know she doesn’t mean to be now, but she’s having a hard time handling all the stuff that’s happening to her and grandpa, so sometimes her temper is a little short. I promise that she still loves you very much.”

Then maybe suggest that you and she make a special effort to help make grandma smile today. Give her a call and tell her you love her. Maybe even ask if there’s anything you can do to relieve some of the burden on her.

Again, I say this as someone who lost their mother to cancer, so I saw first-hand how bitterness can make people lash out. My mother said some very mean and just downright evil things to me towards the end of her life. She was pissed the hell off that she was 49 years old and going to die without ever seeing her grandchildren or growing old with her husband. I guess she needed someone to take that anger out on and I was the easiest target, since we hadn’t always had the greatest of relationships anyway (even though the last year or so had been great because I had busted my ass to make it that way).

So believe me, I totally understand how upsetting and hard this is on you. But I’m telling you, as someone who’s been there and done that, you don’t want these last few months (or however long you have) with your father to be filled with all this anger and animosity no matter how right you are. Give some thought to getting some grief counselling for yourself and your daughter. A good counsellor should be able to help her (and you) understand how to cope with everything your family is experiencing right now and what you’re going to go through as your father’s death draws nearer and then once he’s gone. Things are not going to get any easier and shutting your mother out of your lives isn’t the answer. Love and compassion are the best ways to heal your hearts, I promise.

{{MissTake & LilMiss}}

13

I second all the advice on having your mother tested, trying to relieve the stress on her some way. (Like, can someone spell her for a day now and then, so she can have a breather?)

The other thing is… well, one of the Great Lies is that (grand)mothers love all their children equally. The truth is, all people have a different assortment of traits, and some we like and get along with better than others.

It may be that your daughter has some traits that absolutely grate on your mother. It may be that something about her reminds your mother (maybe subconsciously) of that horrible little girl who made her life miserable in grade school. It may well be that, as your daughter matures and develops a more set personality, that she is showing some traits that you mother also has AND has always hated in herself.

(That may sound silly, but the worst arguments between my mother and myself were always rooted in ‘bad habits’ we both share: we both procrastinate, we both tend to clutter things up, we both hate to be ‘told’ what to do.)

So the hard truth may be that your mother and your daughter simply won’t ever get along well together. If you think a conflict like that is at the root, probably you can’t do much except minimize the time they spend interacting directly. As in, a visit will go better if they are simply watching a tv show together than if they have to talk with each other.

I sounds like your whole family is going through a very hard spell. My sympathy to you all

14

Thank you all for your comments.

A few months ago she had a precursor stroke. A “you really need to check your blood pressure or it really WILL be a stroke” precursor stroke. She has changed her diet, has been getting more exercise, and is taking meds for her cholesterol and BP. Sadly, other than a few very elderly assorted great aunts/uncles, she is the only left of her family. Her mom died at age 59, her brother died when he was 59, and her father died at age 80- but had Alzheimers. When we celebrated her 60th birthday she said “That’s it, I can croak now”, because she honestly never thought she would make it to 60. Now she’s 66. She and dad have been together for over 48 years.

My sister and I have tried talking to her about slowing down. Having her sister-in-law in the house is very stressful for her. Auntie forgets to bathe, to change her clothes, to eat. When mom reminds her to do stuff, Auntie yells at her. And it’s not as if it’s a short visit- Auntie will probably be here until early July. As Auntie has started slipping, Dad’s other siblings have disappeared. But their decision to have her was THEIR choice. I know for a fact Dad was against it, because he knows how it wears Mom out.

I also don’t know why she is always babysitting their greatgrandkids. My nephew and his fiancee earn enough for a babysitter/daycare, but mom offered. OK, fine. They lived with my parents for a while when the hellhole condo they bought from me fell apart, and it tired mom out, yet for some reason she believes that SHE must be the one watching them. The oldest child has anger management issues (at age 4) and is in counselling. She is over at their house at least 3x/week, often overnight (even if my nephew is home and the kids could be there, my mom doesn’t think as a male he could take care of them). I think it’s great that she does it, but it’s at her own expense.

So yeah, she has a lot on her plate. When LilMiss was, well, Lil, she was Gramma’s darling. They watched her a lot during the summer when I couldn’t afford FT daycare and it was beautiful. Serious precious memories. But as LilMiss has become older and has been able to form her own thoughts/make her own decisions, Mom has become meaner to her only. Everything LilMiss does is treated with disdain. They picked her up from school last Wednesday. LilMiss had her report card. Well, last semester she received an “N” (like a C or D) in Science because she didn’t turn all of her work in. We dealt with it and moved on. This report card was pretty decent, almost all S+'s (A’s, I guess). Mom harped on about last semesters lonely N. LilMiss had brought the N to a S+. No comment on that. Just that she had an N. When LilMiss pointed out that it was last semester, and look at it now, Mom replied to the effect that you do NOT interrupt your elders and that what would LilMiss know about it. Uh, it was her fucking report card?!?

Mom and Dad came back over a bit ago. Mom said she and Auntie would be at LilMiss’s concert, but stated she didn’t understand why it was a big deal, it’s just elementary school orchestra, and that she is not happy about having to bring Auntie. I simply said “Thank You”. We’ll see how it goes.

15

I had a bitch of a grandmother growing up. My cousins were always better. She seldom made time for us. She DID (and does, she is still with us) love us, but she was (and still is) a selfish person who deals with individuals by pitting them against one another. She was very fond of hearing about your accomplishments and answering with “Your cousin, Cindy was just elected Homecoming Queen.” She told my mother when we were little “I raised my kids, I’m not babysitting yours.” And now wonders why I seldom stop by to visit. Well, it wasn’t like I was trained to “inconvience” her with my presence.

Somehow, I just always knew this about her and its never really hurt. And I don’t think it hurt my sisters either - it was just the way she was. My mother it has always hurt. Every comment to her about the superiority of the other daughters-in-law. Every comment to us about our inferiority has hit Mom hard. I think early on I figured out something that my mother still hasn’t peiced together - Grandma is that way to EVERYONE. So she isn’t slighting us - when Cindy told her she was elected homecoming queen, her response was very likely “Well, Dangerosa just got a report card that was straight As”

Try your best to help Lil’Miss understand that this is just Grandma - and that she doesn’t love her any less for not making her the center of the world. Some people (my mother) are baby people or toddler people - and any four year old has far more charm and is always in the right over any ten year old. Other people enjoy gradeschoolers far more than babies (my mother in law), and will try and ignore a child in diapers - but spend endless hours over catching bugs in the backyard. Still others enjoy (believe it or not) teenagers - and will talk endlessly about hair and fashion and music and teen angst. Perhaps your daughter has outgrown her charm for your mother.

To continue to ramble - growing up their was a neighborhood family that took this to extremes. They had many (eight) children because he LOVED babies. She LOVED children - little girls in particular - and the girls were all child beauty queens - pampered, spoiled - dressed in pink frilly dresses. But neither of them could stand teenagers. By fifteen, every child had moved out of the home and been taken in by some friend’s parents or another. Apparently, no actual abuse of the teenagers could be proven - but to go from being the center of the world to shit in the space of three or four years was enough to drive them out of the home.

16

My two cents.

Your mom is doing too much. She needs to scale back. She needs help with Auntie. After all, her husband is ill, she is babysitting children (sorry, that should NOT be happening while she’s caring for a dying spouse) and she has a long visit from a difficult Auntie.

Has your mom always been controlling? Does she always need to overload the plate so she can play martyr? A lot of this stuff is within her control, like babysitting and dealing with Auntie. Maybe she wants to be stressed out so others will feel sorry for her?

Until you mom gets back on an even keel, I would limit her contact with LilMiss. And go LilMiss for bringing up her science grade!!

17

My maternal grandmother was a nasty old bitch from birth. (She was a drill instructor during WWII).

Getting snapped at isn’t the worst thing that could happen to your little one. No matter what I did when I was around “Evil Grandma” I was screamed at, smacked or told I was a fat, ungrateful bitch for being a “Snike Ass”.

No one has yet been able to figure out what a Snike Ass is.

I stopped speaking to her when I was twelve.

If this is new behavior, I would definitely sit down and speak with her alone, as other dopers have suggested.

Good luck!