I would extrapolate from previous similar parties. The vast majority of “everyone come over and hang out” parties I go to are a matter of actively enjoying interesting people, and generally invite everyone via mass email or facebook, and typically say “bring someone else”. And it’s generally understood that bringing a friend or SO is normal and desirable, although if it’s something more unusual (bringing a child or grandma, or dog, or whatever) you should see if it’s ok. If I were bringing someone else, I’d always try to tell the host first just so they know, but if I can’t I’d assume it was ok.
If it’s something with a written invitation and clearly a fixed number of people, like (for God’s sake!) a wedding, obviously you canNOT bring someone else. (If there’s a particular reason you think you should, for instance your SO is excluded but everyone else’s isn’t, and you know the host well enough it won’t be awkward, I think it’s reasonable to ask them if they would like to invite the extra – so long as you understand that it’s purely up to their discretion, and they don’t have to justify it if they’ve no more room.)
If it’s something intermediate like a dinner party, I wouldn’t normally, but if I had an SO or relative visiting from out of town, I might ask if it was ok if I brought them as well, because sometimes that is ok and sometimes it isn’t.
I didn’t even know the host, as I had been invited by a mutual friend. So the host was obviously not averse to inviting strangers over to hang out, as she didn’t even know me.
If it’s small or formal, I’ll ask. If it’s a big blowout, then there sure as hell better be a ton of people there.
I always think it’s funny when there’s a huge party and I’ll invite a friend who whines that they aren’t going because they “didn’t get invited.” To a real big party, nobody is invited. Word just spreads like a wildfire and you see who shows up.
Ah, yes. Many years ago I was invited to a house party by somebody I barely knew. A hot band from Austin was playing–I hoped to get there while they were still playing their original tunes.
As I walked up to the house, strains of “Louie, Louie” filled the air. At that point, at that party, an uninvited guest would have been no problem. Especially if he or she had brought some extra refreshments…
In the boring world of grownups, you don’t bring uninvited guests to small or formal events. For looser gatherings, call & ask…
Ok, Im calm. Sorry, but your concluding sentence threw me off. You said “I don’t feel bad or terribly uncouth about inviting along an extra person in this situation, considering how extremely informal it is.” What you should’ve said was, “I don’t feel bad considering I asked” The informality had less to do with it than you asking. Roar.:smack:
No, I wouldn’t. If it were a large informal party and I knew the hosts would probably say yes (and mean it), I might consider asking. If it’s a formal party or small get-together, no.
And if it’s a kid’s party, probably not - depends largely on the circumstances and whether I know the parents. At least adults can be usually relied on to behave themselves. But kids aren’t so self-monitoring. And, depending on the age, the addition of one kid can make a huge difference.
Typically no, but most parties and suchlike that I go to include the “and guest” bit.
If it wasn’t noted on the invite either way I suppose I’d ask, but it’s rare that I’d want to do it. I’d need a reason – say, if I was trying to bring a friend from one circle of friends into another circle of friends. Also, the smaller or more formal the gathering, the less likely I’d ask.
It seems to me that you guys have a different class of “informal party” than I do. To me, an informal party is just an impromptu get together. As such, the point is that we are getting a bunch of people together. If you want it to be a limited party, it’s upon you to specify. And, even then, you almost always allow one to bring their current life partner.
Then again, I also find the formality of the weddings y’all always talk about to be odd. Like I said, most weddings I’ve seen will include an invitation in the newspaper (or now on Facebook). The whole point is to let the entire community be involved. If you have a fancy wedding, you are outside my cultural and economical norms.
It honestly seems like most of you Dopers are quite rich.
No, we just don’t live in Hicksville. A niece recently got married in Austin. Neither she nor the groom currently lived there, although they’d met there. But her sister did & Austin was centrally located for the other Texans. The groom’s people flew in from Pennsylvania. So invitations were needed–but could not include every Austinite, every Texan & every Pennsylvanian!
However, the groom had lived in Arkansas. So a member of the Arkansas Party gave a Soo-Ee-Pig benediction after the Best Man & Matron of Honor gave their speeches…
For me it would depend on a lot. But almost universally I would call ahead and be sure it would be OK - even when I was really really sure it would be OK.
Either your parties are actually unhosted parties in which everyone contributes to the refreshments and the only person to ask about bringing an “univited guest” is the person who provides the space ( if anyone does) or you’re the one who’s rich. If I invite 20 people to even an informal BBQ, that means I have space and food for 20 people. If you call in advance and say your brother is visiting from out of town, that won’t be a problem. If it’s your two brothers, their wives and 10 kids, it probably will be a probelm. And if 10 of my 20 guests surprise me at the BBQ by bringing even one person extra each, it’s probably going to be a big problem. I won’t have enough food and I won’t have enough space.
The reason I ask is because, in my experience, the perception of what constitutes an informal get-together can vary significantly by age. When I was 25, an informal get-together was, “Let’s get a keg and some bottles of booze - we’ll get pizza when everyone gets here and let everyone know how much they owe.” Now that I’m 35, an informal get-together includes me buying food and booze for all the guests, cooking the food, cleaning the house, etc.
It has nothing to do with wealth (I’m not rich by any stretch of the imagination), but I am footing the bill, I don’t want a ton of food to go to waste or to have too little food, so I need to know how much food to cook and how much booze to buy.
I think that there are cultural differences, too, for example between Australia and the U.S. (in both of which countries I’ve lived long enough to find significant differences). At an informal party in Australia, it’s expected that the guests will bring both food and drink – so much, that at the end of the evening the host may find they finish up with more bottles of drink than they started with, and they are begging departing guests to take some of the left-over food with them, as it’s too much for them to eat. This custom of BYO (bring your own) is not really found in the U.S., so the host might worry more about uninvited guests turning up empty-handed. In Australia, if I had some unexpected house guests, and I was about to go to an informal party organised by a a mutual friend, I might not even ring up in advance: the house guests would say, “We’d better go past the supermarket on the way there, so we can buy some grog and nibbles to take to the party.”
Good point. My father-in-law is Indian and wanted to (and did) invite every person he knew or had ever met to our wedding. Fortunately, not everyone was able to attend. Normally I wouldn’t think that, but given that he duplicated our wedding invitations and invited an additional 300-350 people, I couldn’t help but be relieved.
As others stated, there are certain parties where bringing an extra guest is not a problem, but generally I would ask first. Of course there are plenty of parties I will attend when not invited myself. How dare you not invite me!?!?
ETA: And I would never show up empty-handed in any of the circumstances. OTOH, I don’t know what to do with the extra food and drink people bring to my parties despite clearly explaining that I will have enough to supply everybody several times over. But that’s another issue.