Would you live in this city? A ridiculous (and somewhat gross) poll

In My Humble Opinion
1

Inspired by an equally ridiculous conversation between my friend and I in which we argued this point, and agreed to let the Dope be the judge. I got the dubious honor of posting it.

Imagine a city of 100,000 people or so. It has clean air, a temperate climate, museums, historical sights, plentiful shopping, killer restaurants in every price range, beautiful homes, excellent public schools, top notch emergency services and medical centers, and an active and artistic community. It’s within a day’s drive of mountains, beaches, rivers, hiking trails, and all sorts of other outdoor activites. The local laws are favorable to your viewpoints, and the cost of living is on par with where you live now.

You are offered the chance to move to this city. You can bring your family with you, and any friends of your choice will be extended this same offer. You will receive one house, free of charge, up to double the size of your current abode, and a job in the industry of your choice that pays double your current salary and a full benefits package. Should you accept, you must live and work in the city for a minimum of one year. Now, here’s the catch: the founder of this city was a bit of an oddball, and believed that people had one particular right that should remain inalienable throughout all time.

In this city, you can pee anywhere.

That’s right…anywhere. On the ground, on buildings, on property, on people. There are bathrooms, and you can use them if you wish, but you’re under no obligation to do so. As far as the law is concerned, the whole town is your toilet. The city will clean the streets and outsides of buildings each night, but the police will not interfere in anyone’s excretory affairs. The only things standing between you and an endless stream of piss are physical barriers and the common decency of your fellow man.

So…would you take the deal? Would you live there for a year? Longer? What would you do to protect yourself and your things from unsolicited urinary assault? Or would the prospect of a town painted yellow scare you away from the offer of a lifetime? What say you?

2

Wait…what? laughing

I’ll have some of what he’s smoking, waiter!

Um…considering that I frequently go camping where people pee pretty much “wherever” and I don’t really have a problem with it, I’ll be the first to line up for my awesome new free house in Utopian Urinetown.

“People”?! Why would anyone even want to pee on people*? I assume the police aren’t actually going to hold me in place to be peed on, right? I could take two steps backwards and point and laugh, right?

*First one with a NSFW link gets a bonus go-round with Mariah!

3

Yeah, I’m in.

I’ll probably have to leave my girlfriend behind. I can’t see her agreeing to move to Urinetown; she’s already on the verge of becoming a germaphobe.

4

Told you it was ridiculous!

Think of it this way: if some drunken asshole got pissed off, it might end up with you getting pissed ON. Or the guy you cut off in traffic might follow you and piss in your gas tank. Or your jilted ex might decide to “water” your garden. Or the steak you just sent back might come back with a new kind of gravy. Use your imagination.

Basically, the essence of the poll is whether you either trust people not to pee all over each other and everything, or else think that you can protect yourself and yours from it.

In this city, you can never be sure where anything has been…

5

I would love to live there. I would definitely stick it out for a year and then decide if I want to stay any longer.

And to keep people from peeing on my house I would put up a fence with a sign saying “Trespassers will be shot.”

6

I’m in. Disposable galoshes are cheap, and the town washes everything down at night, so what’s the big deal. Most people won’t just whip it out anywhere…social conditioning and all that. It sounds like a cleaner place than Detroit, and people manage to live there just fine. Add into that the fact that any clown who tries to direct his yellow stream onto me will get his johnson chopped off, and we’re all good. The law doesn’t need to restrict him, my knife and bad attitude will do that just fine.

7

By the way, for those wondering how this came up…you’re better off not knowing. Let’s just say that one particular trip left us wondering if this city didn’t already exist.

8

I’d do it. It’s just urine.

9

I don’t see this as a big deal. I don’t think that most people are just waiting for a chance to pee in public. So I would take my chances.

I suspect that people would self-police and keep the free-urinators from running amok.

10

I would live there. If the peeing thing became a huge problem, I would work to enact public indecency laws (or enforcement of such laws if already on the books). The people would still be welcome to pee where they wished, but if in public would have to do it in their own pants.

11

Yeah, I’d totally go for it.

12

I had read before I went to Ecuador that it was considered the height of ill manners to burp, but that peeing anywhere was common and normal. People were generally peeing in the odd nooks across the city and one highway worker was letting go in the middle of the road as the bus went by.

I, for one, welcome our new Urinopolis overlords.

13

::snerk::

“And we’re living here in Urinetown.”

Wouldn’t bother me in the least. In fact I might enjoy the scenery…

14

How this is very much different than Austin is beyond me. I already live here so I guess no new house for me?

15

Probably. I walk my dogs every night, and they pee wherever they want, so what’s the diff? I’d walk around with a mister bottle to clean things that needed to be cleaned, and I myself would use the bathroom (it’s tougher for girls). I imagine a lot of guys would use the bathroom too. But those who don’t . . . whatever. It’s just pee.

16

I’d live there. Out in the country, you can take a pee in your garden or on the side of your house or…pretty much anywhere you want. People don’t. (Ok, sometimes, they do, but they generally have spots for it and don’t pee indiscriminately. It’s not like people chase each other around peeing on one another.) Only 100,000? That’s not a huge city. You’d probably only have a problem with obnoxious drunks or the occasional bum taking a piss on your shoe after you refuse to give him a dollar.

I mean, really, can’t they already do that? I mean, say a bum walks up to you and takes a pee on your shoe tomorrow, and a cop’s not around. Are they really going to come out, find, and arrest the guy? Maybe, maybe not. Besides, in your scenario, I can go back and pee on him while he’s sleeping with no consequences, either.

I say it’ll be a great equalizer.

17

“Now entering Peeville. It’s the town you’re in.”

18

I live in that town, except for the peeing thing. i’m hoping that societal pressures would discourage such behavior because it stinks I was out out with a distributor from Spain on a hard night partying during Fiesta who had to take a pee really bad after the bars closed. He got busted but i somehow managed to convince the cop not to give him a ticket. I’ve seen plenty of people peeing in public and so long as it is only in moderation, I really don’t have a problem with it.

19

Brilliant!

20

One drawback, though, is that the town will smell like ammonia after a while. Hm. Will the cleaning include air freshening and deodorizing? I’m certain that after a while there would be a large market for “Urine-Free Housing!!!” with 24 hour janitorial staffs. Or would those places be prohibited by law, like with city-wide smoking-bans?

Would breaking-and-entering (with intent to pee) be a crime? You can pee anywhere, so is it ok to break into someone’s house to pee on their rug, or do all other standard laws apply that would normally protect us from the marauders?

Of course, you’ll probably get people afraid of protesters and vigilantes with urine-filled squirt-guns roaming the streets.

Hm.

Nah, I’d still live there. Better than high murder rates.