Would You Marry Someone without First Having Sex with Them?

In My Humble Opinion
81

Sexual compatibility is a complex beast. Having a sexual relationship with somebody-- in the blush of new love-- for six months or a year or two years isn’t going to tell you everything about his or her tangled and dark (thanks Bonnie Raitt) sexual being. You don’t get into that tangled and dark part for a LONG time.

I agree, but never the less at least you can know that at the moment you’re at least theoretically compatable. I suppose someone might change, sometime in the future, from uncompatable to compatable. But I think that kind of thing would be fairly rare.

That’s the real annoyance of all relationships, really. You can tell if it’s working or not working right now. But that doesn’t guarantee anything about the future.

Still, I’d rather at least start off being compatable as far as possible. Life throws up enough hurdles without people intentionally adding to them.
Possibly my rather serious attitude about marriage enters into this. The only reason I’d marry someone would be so I could raise kids and spend the rest of my life with them. Maybe people who are more casual about marriage wouldn’t be so insistent about making sure everything works before taking the vows. I’m a child of divorce myself, and I do not think that’s a good thing to do to one’s children. Hence my taking marriage very, very seriously.

Though I’m certanly not opposed to having a decades long unmarried relationship with someone I truly love. I don’t have any religious or social hangups of that nature. I basically see no real reason TO get married unless you’re going to have kids. I’m all for sex without marriage if everyone involved is good with it.
-Ben

82

CanvasShoes: I’m 18 now, female (in case that matters). My main reason is religious–I’m a Christian and I believe that abstinence is what God would have me to do.

83

I agree with what many others are saying; I can’t imagine marrying someone I’ve never had sex with. To me, marriage is too serious an institution to go into “blind”. I feel a couple should know each other as well as possible, including sexually, before commiting to each other for the rest of their lives. To me, sex is like meeting your fiancee’s family or discussing finances or knowing what your fiancee’s opinions are on having children. There are some issues that need to be out in the open before the wedding.

84

I can’t possibly imagine making it long enough in a relationship to consider marriage and not having slept together. I can see how it might work for young people, especially religious young people who are virgins and have that whole schtick going, but at 32 it seems unbelievable to even consider it for me now.

Oddly, I’m all for sex before marriage (or sex instead of!) but won’t live with my SO unless we’re married. I guess I presume the living with compatibility issues could be resolved in much the same way that the waiters presume the sexual compatibility issues could be. Besides, we’d have all the sex to help gloss over the socks on the floor fights. :wink:

I’m not sure how or when the idea got into my head that sex was an intimacy secondary to sharing a residence, but somehow it is. I’m currently of the ‘I want a man in my life, but not in my house’ cult and enjoying it.

85

Ah. True, but the opposite can also stand true, many people are adept enough in putting on a good “I’m a good communicator and even though we’re not going to have sex until after we’re married, I’ll make it wonderfully satisfying for you when we are finally making love” too.

86

:slight_smile: That’s wonderful. So am I. But I still chose to explore what God gave me (before I married at age 19), I don’t think using God’s gifts and being a christian are mutually exlusive.

That statement is NOT meant to change your mind (not that I could :)), or argue your point, but merely to add my 2cents.

87

Anyone wait to have sex until after marriage and it DID turn disasterous?

88

That about sums it up.

89

Read Adoptamom_II’s post above.

90

::shrug:: Its’ a whole can of worms that is definately material for another thread, CanvasShoes. I don’t think it is, but, obviously, YMMV. Agree to disagree, I guess, though I do agree with this:

Just to make it clear, I don’t blame anyone for having sex before marriage. In my life I’ve found it good to explore many of the other possiblities two people can do before the sex and I’m very happy right now. Maybe I’ll be miserable in five years. Maybe I’ll be as happy as I am now. Who knows?

91

Anyone have sex before marriage and have it turn into a disaster anyway?

“Yeah, the spouse did OK on the test drive, but 3 months after we were married and all the warranties were off, he/she turned into a sexual lemon.”

I have known (online) a couple of guys who liked bondage who married women whom they thought were into bondage based on their sexual play before marriage, but who, after marriage, turned out NOT to like bondage. Ex-wives in both cases, but neither guy seemed happy about having had to go through divorce.

I’ve also known (online) a couple of guys and gals who didn’t really figure out that they liked bondage until after marriage, and whose spouses did NOT welcome this new interest.

I was vaguely surprised to hear about such sexual tendencies expressing themselves so late in life, then again, I’ve read news accounts and heard stories online of women whose husbands hit 35 and announce that they’re gay, so I guess it happens.

These would be pretty rare cases, I suspect.

92

Wolfian,

In my experience (and I may be odd) “fit” makes a difference, and you can’t tell how a shoe is going to fit by touching it, smelling it, and rubbing it against your face. You need to try it on and walk around in it a little.

If you are both “average” sized, there likely won’t be any issues. Its the gerkin in mammoth cave or the shampoo bottle in a coin pocket thats a real issue. In my case, I’m pretty average sized (I think), but out of (ok, let me count them) eight sexual partners in my life, two were poor fits, one simply too small, one too large for comfort. Now, I think in both cases a little creativity could overcome this - had I been married to either gentleman with lifelong intentions we’d have figured out ways to work it out that would have been mutually satisfiying and not painful.

I think issues can come up in a sex life whether you have sex before you got married or not. Taking a test drive is nice, but its no guarentee that the car will run the same way ten years from now.

93

A “test drive” sounds a bit cold, but it’s a good point.

I’d say that a major problem with waiting to have sex is finding you only got married so you could. If you know each other well enough you can probably work out the sex thing, but if you want to have sex, and won’t/can’t it’s bound to screw up your judgement; marriage should be about compatibility in so many other ways as well.

94

Here is a recent thread on this very subject.

While I agree that it is important to test drive a car before buying it, I also happen to think that is a piss-poor analogy for getting married.

In the above thread, I mentioned that my fiancee and I (both virgins at the time) really enjoyed each other’s company, and we spent a lot of time cuddling, kissing and snuggling without actually enaging in sexual intercourse. At the time, I felt that sex would certainly add a new dimension to our relationship after we got married, but I couldn’t see it being the number one consideration. I was amazed at people who talked about how everything was wonderful with their spouse except for the sex, and therefore the relationship was doomed.

Anyway, after posting to that thread, I got married. Sex is certainly nice, and it does add to our relationship, but it doesn’t add THAT much to it, to be honest. Previously, we would cuddle, snuggle and kiss for an hour on the couch. Now, we cuddle, snuggle and kiss for awhile, have sex for awhile, and then go back to cuddling, snuggling and kissing. There are nights when we don’t have sex because one or both of us are simply too tired (we both work hectic schedules), and I don’t love her any less on those nights.

Due to our combined lack of experience, I don’t think either one of us would qualify as a “great lover,” but we are both certainly getting better as time goes along. Communication is hugely important, and we are able to talk to each other and tell each other what would make things more enjoyable.

I didn’t marry my wife because I wanted to have sex with her. I married her because I loved her and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her. I suspect that as we get old and gray, we will no longer have sex as often as we do now, and perhaps the day will come when we stop all together. I don’t think I will suddenly stop loving her if that day comes (especially if we can still cuddle, snuggle and kiss).

For those who stress the importance of testdriving the car before buying it, do you think that sex will be great every day for the rest of your lives together? When the turbo on my sports car eventually goes kaput, I will buy a new car – will you divorce your spouse when the sex eventually goes south? Or do you assume that by that time you will have developed a strong enough bond between you that the sex won’t matter as much?

Regards,

Barry

95

Oh – and just for the record…

I am 36, and my wife is 34. I was raised in a strictly religious home, but gave up religion entirely about 7 years ago. The reason I stayed a virgin in my earlier days was mostly due to religion, but as I grew older it was a combination of ingrained habit and conscious decision. My wife, on the other hand, grew up in a completely non-religious home but was nonetheless raised with “old fashioned” values.

Barry

96

We waited, 12 years ago; worked out OK (we are still happily married).

Is remaining a virgin until marriage better or worse than not? I don’t know - by definition, nobody can have done it both ways, how can anybody compare?

I tend to think that the ‘sexual compatibility’ thing is largely mythical anyway, unless one of you is into bondage/pegging/scat/whatever and the other isn’t, but then if you’re the type that places high value on the idea of chastity till marriage, it is at least reasonably likely that this wouldn’t be the case.

And to a certain extent, men and women are ‘incompatible’ by default - in the sense that they typically have different responses to each other and effort is required on both sides.

97

How about a virgin, who gets married then divorced, and has pre-marital sex with their next spouse? I’m sure it’s happened.

I so totally disagree with this! Sure, any two people can find a way to get each other off, but if that’s you standard, I’m damn glad I’m not your lover. This is obviously something that people who marry as true virgins are going to have some difficulty in really understanding, but there’s a HUGE difference between being able to get your partner off and Rock-Their-World-Blow-Their-Mind-Melt-Their-Brain-Turn-Them-Into-A-Quivering-Mass-Of-Sated-Jelly sex. And, no amount of experience, reading, or even love, can turn the former into the latter. Either the two people think and respond the same way, on this level, or they don’t. But, unless you’ve had more than one partner, you haven’t got a clue, and I mean that literally, not insultingly. If you’ve never had anything but vanilla ice cream, you have no idea whether you’d like chocolate better. Maybe you’ll luck out, and your partner will be that compatible with you. But, the odds are highly against it.

Now, is fantastic sex an absolute requirement for a good marriage? Of course not! If it were, the divorce rate would be about 99.8%, instead of the 50%, or so, that it currently is. The first time I got married, I didn’t know there was a difference, either. The second time I sure as hell did, but I married her in spite of knowing the sex was never going to be fantastic.

But, I really have to wonder about the folks who say sex isn’t very important to a marriage. Could it be that the sex isn’t very good? I see this as a potential chicken-and-egg question; which was true, first?

98

I’d have to disagree with you there, Davie. The quality of sex has little, if anything, to do with its importance. We certainly didn’t wait, and the sex (when it happens, he is an intern, you know) is usually of the RTWBTMMTBTTIAQMOSJ variety (BTW, I’ve only had one partner, and believe me I know the difference between that and just getting off). When it doesn’t happen, though, it’s not that big a deal. Sex just isn’t that big a part of who we are or how we work as a couple.

I love him, not his penis. Well, I love that, too, but you know what I mean. His other qualities, good and bad, are far more important to me than his abilities as a lover. If I had to choose between the man and the sex, I’d choose him every time.

Having great sex is certainly a hell of a bonus, and it does make it easier to deal with other frustrations and annoyances when you’re not sexually frustrated on top of it. That’s all it is, though, just a really, really nice bonus.

99

Personally, I think anyone who anwers this post with less than 15 years of marriage probably is too inexperience to know what they are talking about in regards to marriage.

I do not believe that pre-marrital sex is “wrong”, but let us add a note of reality into the conversation. People who live together before marriage are more likely to get divorced:

http://www.smartmarriages.com/cohabit.html

http://www.kyowva.com/bbacks/marriage.htm

http://www.dadi.org/wt_cohab.htm

Many, many more sources are available (do your own research), even ignoring the religious wacko stuff. IMHO, what is driving this is the fact that people woi believe that “they must test drive the car” put way too much emphasis on sex, which is what ultimately dooms the marriage. Sex is only a small (but none the less important) part of a long, successful marriage.

Look at is this way. Children are a much greater stress on marriage than sex will ever be. Do you feel the same way about having kids before getting married? I believe people would be better of if they were more serious about finding a life-mate/friend, financial partner and co-parent, and quit worrying so much about the sex.

Then again, I could be full of #$%@.

100

I tend to think that the ‘sexual compatibility’ thing is largely mythical anyway, unless one of you is into bondage/pegging/scat/whatever and the other isn’t, but then if you’re the type that places high value on the idea of chastity till marriage, it is at least reasonably likely that this wouldn’t be the case.

You mean, like all those devout Christian guys who get married young and then figure out they’re gay and tell the wife and kids goodbye a few years down the road? Presumably, they started out placing a high value on the idea of chastity til marriage. Maybe that was part of their problem – later, their wife and kids’ problem.