I guess I’m in the minority,**MelCthefirst ** because I don’t think it’s your place to tell anyone anything, in this situation at least. Unless I’ve misread, you don’t even know any of these people except for thirdhand info from your SO. What would make you think it’s appropriate to get involved(as far as telling her without being asked)?
If you go fishing , which you probably shouldn’t IMO, it seems unlikely that the girl would ask a stranger for advice on such a personal matter, but if she does, there are ways to skirt the issue, such as “I honestly don’t know; you should discuss it with him”
I can understand people’s gut reactions to come to the rescue of the “victim”, but situations like these are personal and more complex than they seem. I think it’s almost never a good idea for outside parties to get involved. There may be exceptions depending on one’s relationship to the people in question, but in this case there really is no relationship.
I’d probably say something like, “You know, it really makes you look like a gold digging whore to be dating a rich married man. Oh you didn’t know he was married? Ah, so he’s the scuzzy one. Did you do something different with your hair, those highlights look great.”
I’m sitting here thinking the wife is talking to her friends, saying, “You know, my husband has a mate and they often go fishing. My husband’s mate always takes his “other” girlfriend with him because his SO doesn’t particularly like fishing. I wonder if I should tell my husband’s mate’s SO about this other girlfriend.”
I know you’re way too intelligent to be offering this as a serious argument, but I’ll play along anyway;the imminent danger of a fiery 'do is not in any way equal to the sad and unwise choice of dating someone who has not been honest. The first one will kill if someone doesn’t intervene. The second is one of life’s unfortunate dramas and will play itself out, one way or another.
I disagree with you, but I salute your willingness to counter what has been every poster opinion in the thread so far.
The cheating husband is wrong twice. He is wrong to cheat on his wife and he is wrong to be deceiving this younger women if she is really unaware of the situation. She deserves to know the truth and if the opportunity presents itself, it would be the right thing to do.
We are being asked to form our opinion based on just the information provided by the Op. If the situation is as described, I would feel very bad if I had any contact with either the wife or the girlfriend and I did not let them know.
This won’t help, but it’s a great anecdote. My aunt has a friend who had a long-term, ongoing love affair with a married man. The friend was perhaps insane, though not being a trained psychologist, I couldn’t say so. But the friend wouldn’t believe that her lover was married. They lived in a small town and the lover even appeared in the local newspaper in photographs with his wife and children, and my aunt’s friend insisted that the photograph was of her lover, but that that the newspaper had gotten it wrong and mixed up the information with another man who had the same name and lived in the same town. No explanation for why her lover would appear in a photograph with the wife and children of a man with the same name.
So absolutely everyone who knew this woman knew that she was in love with a married man, and that the information was available to her, but that she wouldn’t believe it. It was a very touchy situation.
Back in the day, one of my friends was desperately smitten with a girl who hung out with our ‘group’. He kept trying to date her and for years she said no. Eventually, she said yes and they had a torrid affair…but at the same time she was dating her Boss.
She’d get all the $$$ perks from her Boss too … the jewerly, a flashy company car, and nice salaried job ‘with benefits’. She’d travel all over the world & on cruises…‘for business’. :rolleyes:
I told her once that I didn’t think it was right for her to lead my friend on and still date her Boss. I was told “Its none of your busness.”
My friend knew; he just hoped that somehow he’d get her to love him the way he loved her. The axe fell when she got engaged to the Boss. She was just so happy to brag and show off this big knuckle-sized rock. My friend? He was one hurtin’ puppy…he quit his job and dropped out of sight. His brother told me years later that he moved to the opposite coast later that summer.
Of the group that I was friends with, I was the only one who refused to go to her wedding. I still remember how people who I thought were raised to know better would keep asking me, “Hey, how come you’re not going to her wedding…?” :smack:
I assumed **MelCthefirst ** was male, mostly because guy-code would prevent the question of telling on the cheater from even being raised. Not because of any desire to protect the cheater, mind you. Just most guys know that no good would ever come from it. Yoru friend would be pissed at you. The girl would be pissed at you. Everyone would be pissed at you.
No. And I’m sure sex under ANY pretense other than marriage is rape according to your Catholic schoolteachers.
The bolded part is the important part for me. I don’t think it’s any of my business what other consenting adults do, and I would not take it upon myself to inform an almost total stranger (be it the wife or the girlfriend) that her SO is cheating/married. I have a hard enough time contemplating those types of conversations with close friends/relatives to whom I would feel an obligation to disclose. (Thankfully, I haven’t been put in that position.)
BUT – neither do I think it is my responsibility to support the guy’s deception by declining to give a straight answer to a straight question. I wouldn’t feel that I should have to be dishonest or evasive just because he is. So I would tell my SO frankly that if I were asked I would make no attempt to protect this guy or help him keep his sleazy little secret, and, for that reason, it would probably be best if I didn’t go on the fishing trips. Which, like you, I wouldn’t want to go on anyway. No boat is big enough to make up for the fact that the owner is a total scumbag who is using a girl who is ignorant of his dishonesty, and I don’t think I could choke down being there to watch it. Frankly, as someone else already said, I’d be a little concerned that my SO wasn’t bothered by it, too.
Bolding mine. You don’t even know the guy and yet he’s a “scumbag” nor do you know the “girl” he is “using”. Lest you think I’m defending their behavior, I’m just trying to point out that we don’t know what’s really going on. Maybe the husband and wife have an “agreement”. Maybe the girlfriend is mentally ill like the woman in** bluthree’s **example. Frankly, I think that’s more likely than her being just that stupidthat she dates a man for years and doesn’t know he’s married. But that’s beside the point. You(generic you)are not some objective observer trying to mediate the situation. In your mind there are clear victims and perpetrators and that colors your judgement. A judgement that you’re in no position make. I think when people are involved in situations such as the OP’s, the reprecussions will come on their own, and tampering can inly bring more illwill to an already ugly situation. Off the top of my head, I’ll mention the “shoot the messenger” train of thought.
Actually I’m female - why does everyone on here always think I’m a guy? MelC was a famous Spice Girl!!
My SO has been mates with this guy for ages, the affair started about 2 years ago I think. I have never met either of them. SO brought up the fishing trip and that it was a possibility that I might like to come, but then thought better of it. He thinks his mates behaviour is wrong - but it seems to be a guy thing, that you stay friends anyway? He is perplexed as to why his mate would do such a thing as his wife is very brainy and educated and in his opinion, an all round nice person.
I guess it may be a mid-life crises and he can get some young thing to screw him.
Anyway - I think it is abhorant behaviour too, but he isn’t my friend. If I met them and accidentally said somthing, I run the risk of my SO being extremely upset with me. I would feel very awkward handing out with the couple anyway - my SO seems to have got used to it. I personally, would be extremely upset if I was in the place of the wife and my husbands mate knew all about it and hung out with them but never told me.
As SO has already talked with his mate about how he doesn’t like the behaviour but wishes to remain friends - what else are you gonna do?
I guess, it makes it rather impossible for me to go on the fishing trip as I would be so uncomfortable anyway.
If your husband’s friend wants to fool around he should keep it to himself. It’s not your responsiblity to rat him out, but it’s not your responsibility to cover for him either. By making you and your husband accomplices in his deception he’s abusing your friendship.
The reason, as I stated, is that guys generally do not take it upon themselves to interfere in their friends business unless it is done by confronting them directly.
Telling the girl is an attempt to punish, so to speak, the cheating guy. Why would a guy want to do that to another guy unless he had some vested interest in the girl?