In this day and age of STDs and whatnot, I think both women deserve to know that they aren’t the only ones boffing this dude.
The wife should be told by her husband, though.
As far as the girl, she MUST be told, and as soon as possible.
I like to think I would tell her, but these situations are difficult to handle when they are part of your life. For example, a friend of mine has knowingly been “the other woman” in a relationship for over a year now. The wife doesn’t have any clue any of this is going on. I know for a fact she knows nothing about it because I have been out with them in group situations and everyone acts like the best of friends until Terri walks inside, then my friend and her lover sneak secretive kisses and such. I have been told by both of them never to mention the relationship between them to anyone, lest it get back to the wife. My friend, who is 25, has been promised a family and children by her lover who, at 46 with no current children, probably has no desire for any and is saying it to keep the relationship right where they feel it belongs. It takes all of my willpower not to send an anonymous note to Terri and advise her that her spouse is boffing a much younger woman and she should pack up her stuff and set fire to the house on her way out. How could I interfere without seeming like a selfish bitch? On the other hand, how can I not say anything knowing how it would destroy me if someone I committed my life to was out getting theirs somewhere else?
I’d tell her. I think it would be really funny and would wait until we were waaaay offshore, so he couldn’t get away from her easily. Then I’d pull up a chair and watch the show.
Okay, not really. From what you’ve said I take it that you don’t really know the girlfriend or the wife. Certainly not well enough to guage their reaction. How righteous would you feel if you go on the trip, tell the girlfriend and watch her pull out her cute little pistol and shoot the offending husband in the head. And then turn the gun on herself. Likely? Maybe not, but it happens every day.
I think you’ve probably done what’s best for you in distancing yourself from the situation. As for your SO, that’s between you and him. If you are comfortable with his being mates with this (apparent) scumbag, then it “ain’t nobody’s bidness if you do”.
Now, if the wife were to recieve an untraceable, anonymous note…
I’m all for telling, in both MelCthefirst’s situation and pbbth’s. Having been the deceived wife, I was quite upset with a dear friend of mine who knew my husband was cheating, but didn’t tell me. When I asked her why, she said she didn’t want me to shut her out, and was afraid I would “stand by my man” and never speak to her again, and she felt that I needed her as a friend. She did try to plant some seeds of doubt in my mind that I recognized in retrospect, but it would have been more helpful to me in making decisions about my life if I had had some concrete information to work with. And I’m not the kind to turn on a friend who gives me that kind of news. I was desperate for someone to tell me, because all I had were suspicions and excuses and lies.
When she told me (years after my divorce) that everyone in our circle of friends knew, but that all the wives were told not to tell (it was a military group) and that furthermore, the wives were told to avoid, as much as possible, socializing with me…well, it really broke my heart and clarified a lot of puzzling things that had happened. For example, every single time my husband and I tried to throw a party, people would cancel out at the last minute. The worst time was a New Year’s Eve party we’d planned…I still have the plates and napkins we’d bought. And it explained why the women in our group seemed to at first like me, and then pull away. I always assumed it was something in my personality, and I suffered a lot of anguish about my inability to make friends. To then find out that it wasn’t me, but my husband that caused them to pull away from me…welll, it made me hate him even more.
A few years earlier. I found myself in the situation of being the one to tell someone about their husband’s infidelity…and I choked. And my husband’s behavior during the incident was one of the reasons I had a hard time believing he was cheating on me later…but I digress. Anyhow, my husband told me that my friend’s husband was cheating on her, and he urged me to go talk to her and find a way to let her know. I went over to visit, and it became very clear that she knew her marriage was in trouble, and she was determined to confront her husband. She didn’t have the bare facts, and I was prepared to give them to her, but she never came right out and asked if I knew anything she should know. But since she seemed on the path to confronting him and working on the marriage without my information, I didn’t tell her. I planned to inform her if it seemed that he didn’t come clean when confronted. Fortunately, or unfortunately, depending on your opinion, that wasn’t necessary, as she divorced him soon after.
Whatever you do, don’t tell the girl while everyones out on the boat. That’s just a tragedy waiting to happen, and I wouldn’t want you and the SO to be the unfortunate bystanders who drown when she sinks the boat or sets fire to it or shoots him and then misses and hits you…
I would blackmail whoever I could for as much as the market would bear.
If it was my best friend being cheated on, I would tell her/him in a heart beat.
However, this situation is very different as I don’t know either party. I don’t want to tell at all, but what if I’m with them on the boat and something is asked or questioned and the answer has something to do with the wife or family?
Oh and this is NZ - I can guarantee you there will be no guns on board!
It’s not your obligation to keep this guy’s secret. I’d go ahead and tell.
I would not put out that truth unsolicited, but I would not lie.
If she asks, “Have you been to his home?”, I would NOT reply with, “Oh yes, I’ve had dinner with him and his wife,”
OTOH:
Q: Is he married?
A: Yes
Q: Is he being honest with me?
A: I’m not sure. Has he mentioned his wife?
If I were you I would re-think my own relationship. You’re SO seems willing to lie to the girlfriend on a long-term and continuing basis. He COULD choose to maintain his pal’s friendship by not seeing then both together to avoid this state, but he doesn’t. Forget the girlfriend for a moment? How are you and your SO going to feel about socializing with the guy and his WIFE? You’d always be afraid of saying something that would give it away to her.
Haven’t at least a few people answered this already? Boyo Jim says it very well, I think. You are clearly not responsible for keeping secrets for the cheating husband. Nor should you feel like you have to stay away from the fishing trips (assuming you want to go) just to keep his dirty secrets. Why should he get to set the rules based on his own infidelity (well, okay, it’s his boat…)?
Considering you don’t know the guy, in truth it is highly unlikely his personal life will come up anyway. The girlfriend is not likely to ask you details on his life, and certainly nothing you couldn’t dodge by saying “I don’t know, I’ve only met him today.” But if she says “gosh, that man is the best, I can’t wait until we get married!” and you happen to say “oh, when is his divorce final?” then so be it.
Here’s a slightly off-topic devil’s advocate opinion for those who wonder if they should tell a cheated-upon wife (or husband) about their cheating spouse: Keep in mind that some couples have a “don’t ask, don’t tell” policy. In other words, “do what you need to do, just don’t do it my house, use protection, take a shower afterwards, and make sure I never, ever find out.” Of course if you know about the cheating, that means the cheater screwed up on that last criteria. Still, you never know which couples have instituted this policy, so that would make me think twice about offering such information if not asked directly.
We don’t socialize with them - SO goes round to his house ocassionally and has always gone fishing with him from long ago, pre-girlfriend days. I tend to see his point - he has been friends for a long time and loves fishing, has always gone fishing with this guy and doesn’t have the money to get his own boat. I think I have come to the conclusion that I will not ever go on fishing trips with them - having been cheated on myself, even though I wouldn’t offer information unsolicited, I would just feel very uncomfortable. And I am uncomfortable with SO knowing all this and not saying anything to the wife (whom he knows well, but is essentially not a friend of) - I’ve told him this but he is not interested in discussing it. It may well be he is struggling with his own conscience?!!
So if you beg out of the fishing trip, it will be just the three of them? How absolutely cozy.
I used to date a married man, back when I was young and stupid. All his friends covered for him, including his best friend. A few of his friends didn’t like it, but they all maintained the code of silence. It’s a man thing, I suppose.
Well he’s been on trip with just the three of them before. Yes, I was thinking it was guy thing -thanks for that.
Another thing to keep in mind. If he has been lying to his wife, and lying to the girlfriend, for years, he has had to make a lot of stories up. Chances are he may have told lies concerning your SO to his girlfriend.
“Honey, why can’t we be together on New Year’s Eve?”
“Well, I promised MelC’s SO that I would spend it with them.”
I think the chances of lies being exposed are very good, even if you don’t mean to let anything slip.
And it sounds like your SO is putting you a position where he expects you to lie. If the girl is wondering why the cheating guy won’t marry her, then I would think she might ask you, knowing cheating guy and your husband are good friends and must talk about things and you would likely know.
When one of my husband’s friends starts dating someone new, (these are his unmarried friends) and the four of us go out, the new girl often asks me questions about the new boyfriend. “Has new boyfriend dated many women since his divorce? He doesn’t talk about it, but I can’t help but wonder.”
I don’t like even being asked questions in that relatively mild situation, so I sure wouldn’t want to be on a boat, having to worry what she might ask, and what you are expected to answer.
And if you meet the girl, and end up liking her and feeling bad for her you will really have a problem with your SO’s old friend. Your SO may not like what his friend is doing, but he accepts it. I would think that won’t be so easy for you to do, and that could mean problems for you and your SO.
I would avoid spending any time with this guy. Sounds like a disaster waiting to happen. Why put yourself in that situation?
What an absolute scumbag. I feel bad for the girlfriend. She is essentially wasting her life on this sorry excuse for a man and no one has the cojones to tell her. I shudder to think about how much of a fool she will feel when she finally finds out (which she will, eventually.)
Even though your SO and the scumbag have been freinds for years, it would still concern me that he was willing to go along with the scumbag’s little scheme, knowing what he is doing to this poor girl and knowing that every day he keeps it up is going to make her eventual heartbreak that much worse. They’ve been together 2 years and the girl is wondering why scumbag won’t marry her, for christ sake! Obviously, she is quite serious about scumbag and wants to start a family with him. And the poor shmuck has no idea she’s been being decieved the entire time. How many years is he going to keep lying to her? How many years is your SO going to play along? It’s not like your SO is merely staying out of it. Every time he goes fishing, he’s actively decieving this girl. He’s assisting the scumbag, helping him to perpetuate this whole charade!
I’m all for minding ones business, but this is ridiculously over the top. Now, obviously this girl is rather stupid. But even the most stupid of women do not deseve the kind of hearbreak this poor girl is going to have to go through. Jesus, give me the girls number and I’LL tell her! I know this is harsh, but I would personally be sickened if my SO assisted one of his buddies in decieving someone like that. And he is assisting him.
Speaking from a guy’s persective here - honestly speaking, the very first thought I had when I read the OP was - and no offense is meant - ‘MelC’s SO very well may be getting some on the side’. When a guy is uncomfortable about bringing his SO to meet a mate because it might get ‘uncomfortable’…it’s almost always because of some sketchy behaviour on the part of the guy, not (just) his mate.
It raises a serious red flag for me.
I’d tell her, and probably tell his wife, too.
I don’t pick up on nonverbal signals, even ones that are bleeding obvious to most people. I don’t generally invite people to visit my home, because it’s always a mess, so I wouldn’t really expect someone to invite me to theirs. So I might well date someone for a while and have him turn out to be married. But if I did find out I’d been dating a married man, I’d be horrified, but I would think it was better to know than to not know and keep doing it. People don’t deserve to have their weaknesses preyed on like this, no matter what that weakness might be.
I’d also be really upset that I’d wasted so much time dating someone who was never going to marry me. Some people enjoy dating for itself, but some of us see it as a way to get a long-term partner. I think either of those is valid, but deceiving someone into thinking you’re after one when you’re actually after the other isn’t OK.
Cheaters are scum, especially if they’re lying to both their spouse and the other man/woman.
Someone else has already raised this point - SO is happy for me to come but worried I’ll say something. No, he is not cheating on me. They only go fishing about once or twice every 6 months.
How often did the guys get up to Brokeback Mountain?
If you knew my SO, you would so not make that comment.