Would your child be allowed to date someone of a different race/ethnicity/creed?

Great Debates
1

Listening to an NPR report this morning about a school in Freemont, California, it was mentioned by several children that they are not permitted to date outside their “race” (where race might equal Indian, Korean, Chinese, Taiwanese, Indian, so ethnic group or nationality might have been a better term).

So, should it be okay for parents to “disallow” certain groups as potential mates? Or even specific individuals? For example, can I tell my daughter I won’t allow her to date young gentlemen of an African background? Doesn’t this make me a bigot? Is it okay for newer immigrant groups to the USA (or UK or wherever) to insulate themselves?

For myself, I can’t see dictating who my daughter or my son dates/marries/lives with, but I will likely coach them toward people with good morales and similar values. But in the end, it’s their choice that they need to live with. I’ve endured the other side of this personally, where my not being of my wife’s ethic group has made me persona non grata with her mother. We’ve been together 20 years and married for 14 and I finally just met her at my brother-in-law’s funeral this summer. I’d seen her, from a short distance, once or twice before this.

So, I personally have a problem with people who feel the need to define their children’s choices, but I also understand for some people and cultures it’s been done this way for hundreds or thousands of years, and change doesn’t come easy. And I don’t feel that government should be involved in the resolution, or at least I can’t see any effective way that they could.

2

Heck, I’d even let my kids date people of other sexes!

(My family has a story about the couple who were nearly disinherited because they married when they came from different parishes in Louisville. Not different religions–both Catholic. Not different ethnic backgrounds–both 2d generation German immigrants, mostly still speaking German. Just a different parish that was not that of the parents.
I suspect that we can voice disapproval of this sort of thing, but it just naturally disappears around the third generation without any outside interference.)

3

The good liberal in me would love to say yes. And I think I would be tolerant in most respects when it comes to race and ethnicity. But to be honest, it would give me pause if my son was interested in someone whose religion or credo was significantly less tolerant and more judgmental than ours, that was less supportive of intellectual and creative pursuits, that sort of thing. I guess dating is somewhat harmless–you find out about someone and their way of life, and I ought to support that. But I’d worry they’d get more serious.

Is it bigoted to say I hope my son doesn’t date a bigot? If my son came home with the daughter of a Ku Klux Klansmen or someone who thought Fred Phelps hung the moon, I wouldn’t be happy. I don’t think I’d forbid it, but I’d lose sleep over it.

4

I talked to my mom about this when I was in my early twenties and considering dating a black friend. She hemmed and hawed and finally said, “Of course, if he makes you happy, I’d be thrilled for you, honey. But I’m also aware that raising children in a mixed-race household can be a very difficult thing, and I’d be worried about what problems your kids would face. They’re not insurmountable problems, and I’ll help you out in any way I can, but I would worry for you.”

I thought it was one of the wisest, most loving things she ever said to me. For years, my answer was “ditto.”

Now? Eh. I really don’t care. I live in an area with lots and lots of mixed race families - very different from my lily-white suburban upbringing. I’ve seen how it can work, and I doubt I’d even notice if my son dated a black girl, an asian boy, whatever.

Values and morals, of course, are a much bigger issue. Of course I’d want him to be with someone who shared my values and his - I hold them because I think they’re the best! :stuck_out_tongue:

5

I know what my answer would be in theory, and I know what it has been in practice, and they are the same.

When in high school, my oldest son was interested in an Indian girl originally from Fiji. His mother and I were both happy about this, but her parents obviously disapproved to the extent of pulling her out of the school and (I think) sending her back to Fiji.

My daughter has dated boys/men from diferent countries (United States – she’s from Australia), different races (Chinese from Singapore) and different religions (her current boyfriend is from an obscure Christian sect). Never a problem as far her mother and I have been concerned.

6

I’m going to assume you’d object if they decided to date/marry/live with each other.
Heh-heh. Just sayin’, is all.

7

Probably just the first two. They’re fairly close right now, so I could see them sharing an apartment.

8

Hell yes! If I ever have kids they can go out with whoever they want – male, female, black, white, brown, green, yellow with pink polka dots, whatever. So long as the two of them love each other, and are good for each other, what’s the big deal?

The colour of your skin does not determine your personality/what type of person you are, and neither does it determine who you’re attracted to, and who you fall in love with. Why shouldn’t my (hypothetical) children go out with someone with a different skin colour? Its just an external feature. Am I really going to condemn my children to a (potential) lifetime of unhappiness, without the person they love, because of something as trivial as skin colour?

I’m (Asian) Indian. I’m currently going out with a ‘white’ guy. My previous boyfriend was also ‘white’. I have never had any objections from friends/family about whom I date. Actually, I tell a lie. When I was seeing the ex, my parents were slightly wary, and weren’t too keen on the idea of me dating an ‘outsider’. So, I posed them this question:

“If his parents forbade me from seeing him, because of my skin colour, what would your reaction be?”

They’re answer:

“Well, they’d be racist pigs.”

Dad realised in the nick of time what he’d said, and very quickly realised the double standard. My parents’ line now:

“As long as he’s well educated, doesn’t mess you around, and is respectful, then we don’t give a damn what colour skin your boyfriend has.”

Seriously, it is racism, pure and simple, and yes, you would be a bigot if you said to your son/daughter that they could not date someone simply because of their skin colour.

9

We can solve this issue by applyi ng the “Arkansas solution”.

Only date your first cousins.:smiley:

10

Ever since I’ve given up my fundamentalist background (not used here as a pejorative at all – and I wasn’t beholden to or against the concept one way or another, I just never gave it any thought or consideration) and soon hope to be divorced, I wanted to encourage dating anyone who seemed appealing to me. Race, religious leanings or political dogma aside. However, when the rubber met the road on the hook-up site I’d posted to online and I had to fill out the questionnaire thingie, it gave me pause. Not because there’s anything wrong with it at all, but because I’ve been so sheltered in what I’ve done and who all it’s been with, I figured I’d be like a fish out of water in another culture/atmosphere and they wouldn’t want to go out with me. Until I’ve actually gotten any bites though, it’s just a concern. Perhaps I’m doing something wrong because I can’t wait to get out there (figuratively) and experience, encounter and learn from a wide spectrum of life and not be limited by some antiquated, non-sensical (to me) notions.

Of course, the problems is undoubtedly that I like to write too damn much rambling, wandering crap. Yep, I’m sure that’s it instead. No one can get all the way through it without falling asleep or dying from boredom. Any editors available? :dubious:

11

I think you’re talking about things that people have control over, as opposed to racial/gender issues over which we have no control. I would definitely be crushed if my son dated a KKKer or a neo-Nazi. Or even a hard-core christian, in some cases. But as far as color, my kid dates any and all…white women being in the minority as of late. Some have been wonderful girls, others have been wretched she-devils. None were chosen because of their race.

12

Nice.

So, essentially, you’re only against certain forms of bigotry. Other kinds are perfectly acceptable, right?

How can you even compare Christianity to those other cases?

13

Very easily, if they’re of the fag-burning Phelps variety.

14

If that’s true, you have an indictment against a particular individual. Nothing bad about that - we’re invited to make judgements all of the time.

What Kalhoun said about Christians is akin to me saying I wouldn’t want my daughter dating a black person because Mike Tyson is a rapist and a wife-beater.

15

If anyone has seen the Warren Beatty movie “Bulworth”?

Bulworth:
Rich people’ve stayed on top, dividing white people from colored people. But white people’ve got more in Common with colored people than rich people. We’re just gonna have to eliminate 'em.
Connie:
Eliminate?

Bulworth:
Eliminate.

Connie:
Who?
Rich people?

Bulworth:
White people.

Bulworth:
Black People, too.
Brown people,
Yellow people.
Get rid of 'em all.

Connie:
Get rid of them all?

Bulworth:
We need a voluntary, free Spirited,
compatible, open ended program of
procreative racial deconstruction.

Connie:
Uh…

Bulworth:
Everybody just got to keep fking everybody
till we’re all the same color. **

16

This is nonsense. Kalhoun might object to “hard-core” Christians “in some cases.”

For my part, I might be uncomfortable if my child became romatically involved with someone whose values are so utterly divergent with my own.

If you live in a world where people choose to be black, let me know.

17

If my kids wanted to date fundamentalist christians or of any other religion I would certainly be sad… drug users probably too.

18

I’m white; American; raised Catholic, now agnostic. My boyfriend is also white, but so olive-skinned he is often mistaken for Arabic; Serbian; Orthodox and fairly religious (in a private sort of way). My sister’s husband is Indian. My brother lived with a Chilean girl for a couple years. Spouses of my first cousins include two Mexicans, a Jew, a native Hawaiian and another one is in a very long term relationship with a black woman. My own heritage is mixed Scottish, Hispanic and Slavic and my Protestant grandfather was nearly disowned for marrying my Catholic granny.

I think that makes my answer to the OP’s question rather obvious …

19

While I would not forbid it (and generally not have a problem with it), I would want to know thier motivation for doing so. I have met plenty of people who only date people outside their race or will not date anyone within their race. To me this is indicative, in many cases, of the person having larger isssues that need to be addressed. Issues which I would feel terrible for not having addressed earlier. If my child was motivated more serious underlying issues, I would have a problem with it.

On a sidenote, I was wondering if others had an informal caste system which would dictate how uncomfortable they might feel about their child dating someone of a different race/ethnicity. If you are white, would it be more awkward for you to see your child dating an Arab person as opposed to an Asian, African-American, or a German one?

20

I have a different take on dating than most; I think dating should be done with the idea of choosing a mate (vs. doing it just to have fun).

So I’m going to assume we are talking about SERIOUS dating here and not casual.

Race? Ethnicity? Bah. I don’t care. Black, Asian, White, Native American, etc.? Does he treat my daughter like a queen? Does he work? Is he a good person? Will he give me pretty grandbabies? (Kidding, kidding.)

Religion … a bit different. Since we’re Christians, I want my daughter to grow up and bring home a nice Christian boy. If she doesn’t, I’d be pretty upset. However, “not allowing” her to date him is just going to send them running to the nearest out-of-state wedding chapel. I would just pray and leave it in God’s hands and treat the boyfriend the same as I would anyone else. More than one man has come to know Jesus because a girlfriend introduced him. I’m not a fan of missionary dating, but in that case that’s what I’d be hoping for (provided that he really did get saved and isn’t just going through the motions).

IF she’s going to marry outside the faith, I’d rather it be a nice Jewish boy for obvious reasons. At any rate, if she marries outside the faith I would be a lot less upset if he was fine with their children being raised as Christians. If she agrees to raising them as (fill in other religion here), well, one, that would mean I failed as a Christian parent. Two, it’d break my heart. [I am being honest here, you can argue with me all day but this is how I’d feel so don’t bother commenting.]

A BIG issue for me is alcohol. Yes, I know that lots of people can use it responsibly, but I still want her to marry a nondrinker. I don’t like booze, I don’t want her drinking because of our family history, and I’d just as soon the door to any alcohol-related problems be slammed shut before the marriage even took place. You can’t become an alcoholic if you’ve never taken that first drink. Drug use, of course, is o-u-t OUT.

In a nutshell, I would tell her what my mother told me: “I don’t care what color he is, but he’d better be a Christian and he’d better not drink.”