I didn’t make a single moral judgment about you. I was pointing out the logical conclusion of what you wrote. If anything, I was making sure you realized what message you were sending and offering you a chance to clarify, because I couldn’t imagine anyone would intentionally mean what you said.
And that’s serious. I cringed when I read your post and thought, “There’s no way he meant that the way it sounds. Better see if he can clarify.” And what was your response to that? To attack my sexuality, to suggest I haven’t had sex for. . . well, a decade and a half before my birth. So as to somehow discredit my reading of your words. I would think the correct response there would be something like, “Whoa! I definitely didn’t mean to imply that. I never would either. I totally respect women and their choices about who they do or don’t have sex with and that comes first above all else. I just kick myself for the times I missed obvious opportunities, is all.”
I didn’t say this or imply it, for the record. I certainly didn’t mean anything remotely close to that.
When I was in love and just as young and inexperienced, I didn’t mind inexperience because we were both fumbling and figuring things out. But the very first experience with someone new is mostly about getting all over a brand new, intriguing person. Neither knows the other’s good spots and figuring that out is part of the fun experience. Anyone who dives right in thinking he/she knows all the right moves to leave someone breathless because it worked on the last one is probably going to fail miserably. Still better to go in assuming that everything is going to be as awesome as you both have anticipated.
The response where you erupted and attacked me by saying that I haven’t touched a penis since 1974? Yes, I read that. But again, when I wrote my original response to you (trying to clarify the intended message of the words you wrote), I couldn’t use my psychic abilities to predict what your lengthier explanation in the future would be.
I appreciate that sentiment. And I agree with it in principle.
But I will say in my (and probably a fair number of other mens) experience that if you fail to seal the deal as it were when the time comes (as defined by the woman) then the woman in question will take it along the lines of " get away from me you hideous fat cow" rather than “I really like you but the time is not quite right lets try again later”.
Couple that with “make a serious move too soon and she will flee like a deer during hunting season” and IMO its obvious us men have problems here. Throw in the fact many man are clueless and its even worse.
And for that matter, this was SUPPOSED to be a lighthearted thread about clueless men and funny stories till somebody had to get all serious.
I’d really like it go to back to funny stories but I doubt that will happen now
Hmmm. Okay, let’s go for brutal honesty here, and bear in mind that I do not speak for anyone other than myself. People who are good at casual sex have my complete approval, but I’m not that girl. I’m going to assume that girl is experienced in communicating her intentions, too. If she’s down for a one-night stand, you should probably come to an agreement before clothes come off.
As I said, there must be tons (maybe most?) women who find hesitance to be charming, thoughtful, and preferable to the aggressive move. I’m not that girl. I’d rather know your intentions up front, make a decision, and move forward. We’re either staying friends, or getting intimate. No in-between, murky guessing games that require asking strangers on the net what to do next for me. If you don’t know for sure: DON’T.
I’ve always been inclined to pursue a long term relationship. Having said that, I don’t subscribe to the “signals” game. If I invite someone to watch a movie, I mean movie. If you’re the kind of guy who assumes I’m too shy to communicate my intentions clearly and I’m hampered by society’s or my church’s ideas of ladylike behavior: GTFO. If I invite someone to stay over, I’m going to be clear if that means “Let’s have too many drinks to drive safely, but you stay on the couch” or “Let’s share a bed”. Most of my closest friends have been male, and this includes my two close gay besties: drinking together does not mean that he/she should take advantage and climb into bed once I’m asleep.
And no, I don’t care if you’ve made it clear that you’ll pinch hit if I’m between loves. If I want to have sex, I’m going to do it with someone I want to be in a relationship with. Not you, buddy. Not even if we’re both drunk, so don’t. And don’t you dare whine “friend zone”. I’ve never been into you like that, and no amount of alcohol, flowers, simpering, lurking, or listening will change it. It’s there or it ain’t. If it ain’t: move on and find a woman who’s into you. I’ll support you all the way. I’ll be your wingman, I’ll be your confidant, but satisfying your basest instinct ain’t in my job description.
But if I’m single, sober (99.9% of the time), and I’m flirting, talking about sex, going heavy with the compliments, touching you, or for Pete’s sake: NAKED! Come at me, bro.
Which is a damn shame. Sex is a skill, and as one who has taught basic skills in areas other than sex, it is generally easier to start from scratch with someone without experience, than explain to someone who thinks they know what they’re do that they are doing it wrong.
Thank you.
I did eventually have sex with the naked oil massage friend. I was bemoaning all the sex I didn’t have with her between those two points in time.
We were unlikely friends though. She was a punk/proto-goth stripper and I am, and remain, a long-haired geek. But the things I could have learned from her…
They went wonderfully. I was eager to learn. As I said, this particular woman was bisexual and had eaten her share of pussy. I paid attention to everything she told me, and my skill in that area has been consistently praised by every woman I have been with since then.
When in a relationship, especially with a younger person, leave them emotionally and physically at least as healthy as when you started seeing them. Do not risk giving them diseases, getting them pregnant, or emotionally abusing them.
If you can leave someone a better lover as well, you’ve done a good thing, and hopefully it will come back around to you.
One things I do ask of my friends - if you learn I was signal-oblivious and by now it’s too late for a clue to do any good, shut up. Let me go on in ignorant bliss
I’d be quite the opposite. If anyone knows of any signals I’ve missed, please let me know; years later, even decades, speak up. The alternative is that there haven’t been any signals, which is just too depressing to contemplate.
(desperately trying to get this thread back on track even if it takes a crowbar)
Because I have a retentive memory and can picture times, dates and conversations from thirty years in the past with surprising clarity, and in all those years I have no stories of missed signals to share, unlike most of the other participants in this thread. Admittedly to be completely 100% sure I’d have to replay my entire life in real time and also produce affidavits from every female I ever interacted with, but that’s not the standard that the other posters are being held to, and I’d take a wild guess that any of those affidavits would read something like “No, that’s right, I didn’t want to fuck you”.
Yep, I can be quietly confident I never missed an opportunity.
Which would be just peachy if only the opportunities had been a mite less few and far between. Ah well. At this point I believe the desire is going gentle into that good night.
Way back when I was still a virgin I got sick and tired of the double standard by which (at least according to conventional belief and understanding) I (as a male) was supposed to do something much more overt to indicate sexual interest than what the women were doing.
It is therefore probably very much true that I “missed some opportunities”.
So did the women with whom those probably opportunities existed. There are things they could have done, just as there are things I could have done, to forward the agenda in that direction.
This is a slight nitpick, but I find the former to be a bit impractical and the latter a tad unusual.
If you’re going to have sex the first night and your both ok with it, nothing really needs to be said. Bringing up questions such as you propose would only complicate the issue. Yes, it could lead to hurt feelings, but that’s the risk you take.
As for the movie part, really? I’m sorry but 9 times out of 10, it means more than simply watching a movie. It’s much more polite than saying, “Hey, wanna come over and have some sex?” It’s much more effective as well. YMMV
Sometimes, a man or woman says and means ‘let’s watch a movie’ and then later, changes their mind to, “let’s get it on.” What is this board’s bizarre insistence that sex is always so planned and rigid and methodical and mechanical. One can think, “Hmm, I would like to watch a movie with this person”…And then, during the movie, GET FUCKING HORNY.
ETA:
[QUOTE=Troppus]
ETA: I should have left room for the girls who love hesitant, unceasingly cautious and polite guys. I’m sure some will come along who find the OP utterly charming and appealing.
[/QUOTE]
Yes, quite wise to leave room for that, because people are different and no one can speak for everyone, naturally.
