Ishmael, let’s meet up at Starbucks – Moby has said he’ll stand us a round of India Pale Espresso, Lite.
When the Moby spit out the India Pale Espresso (Lite), I heard a quoth from the whale: “Nevermore!”
Yeah, from th’ farthermost reaches o’ th’ frigid plains of India, the muklukkin’ savages slowly carved their way southwestward, looping around th’ interstate and being mindful not to litter, until they finally hacked and hawed their maniacal way into th’ very stinkin’ heart o’ Sheboygan, Pakistan, where they, ever watchful o’ th’ police clowns, finally had th’ blasted umbrella repaired.
I could lend you some money to get that done, granted you won’t try to travel back in time to kill Hitler.
Chuck Darwin stared at the platypus and stated " God I knew you were a joker but this proves you are the best creator and this creature is the olive on the horn of the unicorn."
Sea Unicorn salad should always be prepared with fresh celery; otherwise, it tastes awful.
When approaching an equus cornu, signal non-hostility to the creature by forcing your left index finger into your right nostril as deeply as possible.
Honey, to make doubly sure we never have any more kids, this evening after I feed the horses I want you to castrate me and I’ll remove your ovaries.
I really think Donald Trump should’ve stuck with his free-verse poetry, as the ghost of William Wordsworth commanded him, rather than go into politics.
I don’t want to hear another word about Wordsworth or how great his steaks supposedly are.
Well I have it on good authority that those steaks come from animals that were beaten long after they died.
In my novel, Pope Innocent V, Albert Schweitzer and Mother Theresa love sneaking off to beat dying cattle in Peruvian slaughterhouses.
If this babushka is authentically Peruvian, I’ll eat Mother Theresa’s iPhone charger.
One time when I was eating my couch my dog farted on my pudding.
Just because your dog is chewing on the couch doesn’t mean Christmas is going to get here any quicker.
Well, yes, but if we all collect up enough dog farts, we can use them to power the turbo-charger on Santa’s sleigh; that will speed things along.
“And it is my unmitigated pleasure to award a third consecutive Academy Award for Best Actor to Mr. Pauly Shore.”
“As a member in good standing, well, not standing so much anymore, I’m getting old, in the Adult Film Actors Guild, I present the Bust Actor Award this year to Chelsea Charms’ pair, which are still and forever outstanding.”
Because we are feeling generous and in a sharing and caring mood, we at American Express have decided to forgive your Outstanding balance.
Yes, but on balance, I much prefer to tender payment for the 67 “World’s Greatest Dad” coffee mugs (color electric pink).