Was it me or did the opening title crawl of ATOC seem to be a bit short? Well, just 35 more months to go before Episode III comes to town so let’s give ole’ George a hand and write the opening crawl. I’m sure there’s a way to code this so it looks cool, but I’m too lazy to figure it out.
"A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away… STAR WARS
Episode III
Tales From the Darkside
What? You don’t like my title? Well, screw you! You think you can do better? I’d like to see it! Oh, sorry. The story…
Why are you even reading this? You know what’s going happen. Young Anakin is going all evil and shit and what does Yoda do? He runs away and hides on some God-forsaken swamp planet. After that Dooku stunt he pulled, I’m not surprised. Back to Anakin. Come on people, where you been in the last 25 years? An asteroid field? HE’S GONNA BE DARTH VADER FER CRYIN’ OUT LOUD!! Jeez!!! He’s gonna get limbs hacked off some how and end in a walking iron lung! He’s gonna hunt down and kill all the Jedi. Even Mace Windu! ESPECIALLY Mace Windu. Oh yeah, ol’ Mace is gonna get it, you can bet your ass, yes sirree, Bob. Well, he’s not gonna kill ALL the Jedi what with Yoda running scared and all. Well, at least he gets it on with that hot Queen Amidala! Woo-freakin’-hoo she’s hot. Yep, he’s gonna knock her up real good! And before it’s over, she’s gonna drop a couple little Jedis. Of course, she conspires with old Obi Wan and hides them from Anakin. And not for the reason you think. Yeah, that’s right, Anakin ain’t Luke’s father. PSYCHE! It’s Obi Wan. HA! Bet you didn’t see that coming! Well that’s it. Thanks for all the billions of dollars, you bunch of geeks. BWA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA-HA!!!
It is a period of Clone War.
The Jedi, having blindly accepted an army of clones from someone posing as a dead Jedi, continue to attack the Battle Driods of the Trade Federation and Viceroy Tiger Tanaka.
On Tattooine, Uncle Owen and his girlfriend / finance - well, they’re sort-of engaged to be engaged, but they’re waiting for the end of Harvest to make concrete plans, have taken over the moisture farm.
Young Anakin, still reeling from the loss of the use of his right hand, continues his relationship with Senator Amidala, as well as his relationship with his unbridled teen angst.
Back on Couruscant, the Jedi council continues to discuss the possibility that there may be something wrong with Chancellor Palpatine, but they’re not sure, they can’t quite put their finger on it…
Meanwhile, on planet DUES EX MACHINA, Darth Tenuous is busy explaining how he killed and impersonated Sypho-Dias, befriended Jango Fett, and paid some Tusken Raiders to kidnap Schmi Skywalker, to an uninterested group of space pirates, including a young Han Solo, laconic as ever…
It is a time of strife on Skywalker Ranch. Having been outgrossed in its fourth week of release by the critically panned genre fluff flick “Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood”, Attack of the Clones was ruled a complete failure. To correct the problem, two Jedi Knights, guardians of adjusted gross intake figures throughout the movie industry, were dispatched to the Pixar animation studios to learn the secrets of their ways.
For the last 5 years, Pixar had been secretly developing a formula for turning weakly-scripted kiddie movies with a few cheap jokes into $300 million dollar blockbusters. Unknownst to the Jedi, Darth Boringus had developed Pixar’s greatest weapon: A Toy Monster’s Life, Inc. 2, a film with the ability to destroy the Star Wars universe with a single bought-off, pandering Rex Reed review.
Meanwhile, on the set of Star Wars 3, Natalie Portman finally realizes her nipples were showing through her white jumpsuit in the scene aboard the shuttlecraft on Tatooine in Attack of the Clones. Disgusted, Natalie Portman moves to put emergency power in the hands of the Johnson and Johnson Corporation, the makers of Band-Aids. As the executive producers threaten to disband, the Jedi are dispatched to the set of Dawson’s Creek for one final attempt at recasting…
It is the best of times, it is the worst of times. The noble Jedi have learned of a plot to overthrow the Republic and establish an empire after Mace Windu buys Darth Garrulous a few drinks. Anikin Skywalker is using his new breathing apparatus to make obscene phone calls to Senator Amidala. Meanwhile, Count Dookie has retreated to his castle in Transylvania, pursued by Dr. Van Helsing and the Hammer Film Corporation…
“I admit that I cant write a decent script and get overzealous about special effects and gawdy, glitzy, cartoonish computer graphics. Will you ever forgive me? Im sorry. Well here I actually made a decent movie this time”
Star Wars
Episode III
Divine Secrets Of The Midichlorian Brotherhood
The Clone Wars are drawing to a close, with no clear victor. Master Yoda, as a last-ditch effort to seal a victory for the Jedi Knights, takes Obi-Wan Kenobi under his wing for some private Jedi training that was referenced in the Original Trilogy.
Meanwhile, in Obi-Wan’s absence, Padwan Skywalker has been apprenticed to interim Emperor Palpatine for the last of his Jedi Training.
In his absence, Padme Amidala-Skywalker has hired Frank Oz (recently put out of work by ILM) to make a new mechanical suit for her husband to wear, to hide the unsightly skeletal arm he built for himself.
It is a time of extreme boredom on Planet Earth. Summer vacation begun hardly has, yet already nothing to do there is.
Rains it does.
Earth teenagers, played by Winona Ryder, Kirsten Dunst, and Lance Bass, travel many parsecs to the world of MultiPlex 28, where in the absence of Men In Black II, they bravely fight their way through gangs of evil miniature clones seeking admittance to the temple of Spirit: Stallion of the Cimarron, to the Holy Sanctuary of Lucas, where they prepare to fight as true Jedi, defending themselves with Jedi Jujubes and the Force…
Twenty-eight years have passed since George Lucas released his first Star Wars movie to a legion of prepubescent followers who have since aged, although not gracefully.
Their lustful desires unquenched since Carrie Fisher wore her gold bikini in Return of the Jedi, the Nerds have dutifully awaited for each installment of the series, hoping that each release would restore their confidence in their Ewok-like master.
Discontentment was rife among the Nerds as Return of the Jedi rehashed the Death Star battle and dressed up the ending with a bunch of fricking teddy bears.
Surely, hoped the Nerds, George will restore the vision of the first two movies, (or the fourth and fifth installments of the series, which, of course were released before the first three movies). Surely, the good side of the Force will guide his movie-making.
Star Wars: Episode III
The Quest for the Holy Grail
Defeat on the planet Geonosis seems to have utterly disheartened Master Yoda. The ferocity of the Count Dooku’s taunting took him completely by surprise, and Obi-Wan became convinced that a new strategy was required if the quest for the Holy Grail were to be brought to a successful conclusion. Obi-Wan, having consulted his closest knights, decided that they should separate and search for the Grail individually.
[clop clop clop]
Now, this is what they did: Anakin–
[lightsaber ignition sound]
Aaaaaagggh!
As the horrendous Black Beast lunged forward, escape for Obi-Wan and his Jedi knights seemed hopeless, when suddenly, the person typing the opening scrawl suffered a fatal heart attack.
The cartoon peril was no more. The quest for Holy Grail could continue.
The Separatists under the leadership of Count Dooku, have been slowly losing the Clone War. They have fallen back to the planet of TROMAATIN to wage one final conflict against the Republic.
The Jedi Council, tying to solve many mysteries, has gathered all the Jedi across the universe to meditate as a group. Thus, making it convient for one person to kill a lot of Jedi.
Meanwhile, the marriage between Anakin Skywalker and Senator Amidala has been shaky since Padme discovered Ani sleeping with some ho he met in the bar. To work things out, they have agreed to go on the galaxy-famous trash talk show Palpatine Springer. Unknown to Anakin, Padme will reveal she has been cheated as well, but with Jar Jar. Mr. Binks will be hidden back stage but it is certain after he comes out that there will be crispy Gungan after some DarkSide comes out of the angry Jedi padawan.
It is a time of darkness in the galaxy. The Trade Federation and the Separatists have united with the Sons of the Rebellion to stage a petition campaign aginst the evil Hutt Smuggling organization.
In the employ of Senator Palpatine, a party of Bothan spies led by a young Boba Fett create a cream-pie disturbance during a senate committee on the taxation of trade routes to Coruscant.
A filibuster begins, led by young senator Crinn-Ton of the War-nokki system. His press agents hit all of the weekend talk shows, lambasting his opposition in the senate for their anti-union voting history and their desire for more and bigger government.
In a series of low-budget political ads, Senator Palpatine is shown dancing in a hotel room on Coruscant with several nubile young aides and a carton of death-sticks, while threatening music plays and “Vote Jedi” scrolls across the screen.
Meanwhile, in a seedy bar in the deep canyons of Coruscant, Obi-Wan-Kenobi has arranged to meet a fourteen-year-old girl who has “news” about Palpatine.
“Jar Jar: King of the Ewoks”
And that’s all that was written. George Lucas was found with his pen stabbed through his heart. Police are still trying to decide if it was murder or suicide. There are currently no suspects.
It is a time of shrinking demographics and lower revenues in adjusted dollars.
With faltering action figure sales The Evil Lord Hackodous has decided to launch his latest and greatest salvo. Star Wars fans, the geeks of the Galaxy sit in fear and trepidation wondering if this will finally be the greatest Film ever or just a bit better than Epidode 2 but not as good as Return of the Jedi.
Anikan, once again recast to appeal to an aging fan base, is once again on his way to Tatooine for no apparent reason but I’ll bet you’ll find a few new creatures in the background during those scenes which will show up as action figures, and in colouring books and if lucky will be deemed to be cool enough by the fans to be raved over in that Boba Fett way.
The Evil Lord Palpatine, I mean Sidious, is getting another hench man as Christopher Lee decided not to bother with this sequel. Who knows perhaps that might be you Skywalker?
Don’t criticize sit back and enjoy, or at least pay more the merchandise.
STAR WARS EPISODE III
RETURN OF THE CHRISTMAS SPECIAL
The Clone Wars have drawn to a close. The Galactic Uber-Dude, SENATOR PALPATINE, enforces his rule with an iron hand. His personal bodyguard, Jedi Knight ANAKIN SKYWALKER, continues to whine a lot while under Palpatine’s odious influence.
Meanwhile, the young Wookkiee CHEWBACCA has returned to his home planet of KASHYKK (sp?) to celebrate LIFE DAY while SENATOR AMIDALA-SKYWALKER sings a HORRIBLE CHRISTMAS SONG to the tune of “DUEL OF THE FATES.” The sheer horror of this song is driving her husband Anakin TOTALLY FREAKING INSANE and he has picked up a habit of breathing very heavily.
Meanwhile, OBI-WAN KENOBI and YODA suspect Palpatine of being up to no good, and it’s about damned time they noticed, huh? How can Jedis who can sense a friggin’ centipede not sense the most evil Jedi in the universe? Never mind; they continue to secretly investigate a plot involving PALPATINE that may also involve ANAKIN and a few other losers whose names would appear in CAPITAL LETTERS in the crawl if I cared enough to continue.
A long long time ago, a little longer ago than the first time we used this opening, in a galaxy far, far away, many parsecs away, in fact, except that for some reason in this universe a parsec is somehow a measure of time. Come to think of it, this story opens some 15 parsecs before Episode IV…
Having finally abandoned all pretense of contunity, I mean, come on, do you think we intended there to be an insestuous romantic tension between Luke and Leia, for God’s sake? This is what happens when you take one whiz bang adventure movie and try to milk that puppy for 5 sequals, we open with Anakin Skywalker prepairing to embrace the dark side completely and become Darth Vader. A bunch of neato special effects will attempt to masquerade as plot, all the Jedis except Yoda and Obi Won will die, and we will leave you with the reminder that the Rebel Alliance is going to be the good guys in the next film, unlike the last one, so stop cheering against them and get ready to cheer for them. If this intro makes little or no sense, don’t worry about it, at this point I could put out a 2 hour film of Darth Vader reading the WallaWalla Washington yellow pages and it would gross 100 million. In fact, the WallaWalla yellow pages is better written than anything I’ve done in the last 10 years, so sit back, relax, and try to forget that you spent $10 to watch this drek.
After bringing the plans for the DEATH STAR to his Master, COUNT DOOKU has moved to his new base of operations to Tattoine, where he has renamed Mos Eisley ISENGARD. There, he sends out a battalion of his new U-Rok H1 battle droids to retreive the Jedi’s battle plans, which are kept in the secret compartment of a simple, gold ring. Dooku, knowing that with this ring he could defeat the Jedi himself, AND overthrow DARTH SIDIOUS, has given his droids orders to find the ring bearer and bring the ring to Isengard.
The Jedi Council, having realized what was going on by reading Jar-Jar Binks entrails (“He even stinks worse - on the INSIDE!”) has dispatched Jedi Master GAN DALF to investigate, along with his padawan learner, RADA GAST
Meanwhile, SENATOR AMIDALA and ANIKAN SKYWALKER have made the beast with two backs, and (to the surprise of no one) Amidala’s constant whining about the status of her nipples in the previous installment has driven Anikan to the Dark Side, where Darth Sidious awaits with cocktail weiners and Wheat Thins.