WTF happened with my co-worker?

In My Humble Opinion
41

I don’t think you understand what sexist is. It’s ok to relate to people differently because of their genders. It’s not ok to devalue them while doing so.

As for what to do now, in general, I agree with letting it alone and giving her time, but I wonder about how you apologized. If you said you’re sorry what you said hurt her, that doesn’t cut it because it put the blame on her and made things worse. If you took responsibility and said you were sorry for being an insensitive jerk, that’s much, much better.

If you did the latter, then I say let it go and give her time. If you did the former, tell her you’re sorry you were an insensitive jerk and you’d like to move on. Then do it.

I don’t agree that she’s lost to you. You seem like a nice guy and it sounds like she doesn’t have a lot of friends so with time I think things will get better. Just don’t badger her or make things really uncomfortable. Be pleasant and light if you have to deal with her for work reasons, not pushy or intense.

Good luck.

42

As a woman, I can only wonder if you might have a bit of a knight-in-shining-armor complex.
Reading the last thread, you make it clear she is a strong person. Personally, I would be a bit offended if I was the subject of your last post. I’m a grown up, I can handle dealing with sexist people on my own. I dunno, a lot of guys have this thing where they need to “fix” things or give unsolicited advice, especially for a damsel in distress. It’s patronizing.

Maybe she feels you are the one with the crush? Between that post and this one, you might be way more invested in this work relationship than she is comfortable with. She is married and maybe feels you are coming off too strong? The more you appologize, the more you keep making this a thing, the more likes she is to stay firm in not wanting to be a close friend. Just drop it and move on. You’re making it worse and making the work environment difficult for her.

43

Interesting that I haven’t seen it mentioned, I suppose that means I am very far off, but reading your post my first thought was “Is her husband the jealous type?”
I’ve seen that one before, for sure. Jealous husband suspicious of all male friends starts fights about it or whines enough to where she needs to get some space just to shut him up, and is hesitant to explain the situation.
Of course, she doesn’t really sound like the type that would take that kind of thing, though, from your brief description.

I’ve also seen a lot of other junk, like co-workers starting rumors about a male/female friendship, and one of the two needing to squash it for various reasons. Or even a friend who, for one reason or another, gets their ear and feeds them nonsense about you. There are some petty and strange people out there.

Anyway, these are just things I’ve personally witnessed over my life so far and probably don’t fit your situation. After so many posts, I would guess that these nice people have nailed it down for you. My advice, from this point, would be the same: leave her be and let her work out whatever is going on. You can’t force a friendship on someone anyway, so let her do her thing and eventually let you know where your friendship stands by her own actions.
Good luck.

44

Dallas Jones, she ain’t my work wife. How do I know? She and a mutual co-worker are “work wife and husband”. The three of us have been joking about it for the last year or so:D

Helena330 “You seem like a nice guy” - Thanks for that but I do have a tendency to over-analyze the crap out of things, which may have contributed to this in the first place.

Bad News Baboon “wonder if you might have a bit of a knight-in-shining-armor complex” - I actually don’t. And as for damsels in distress, they don’t do anything for me.

In fact I started the other thread because she specifically mentioned it to me. I think I actually have a bumbling, oblivious guy complex:)

wonder if you might have a bit of a knight-in-shining-armor complex

Bad News Baboon & AmanoJ, the crush perception thing was something I was contemplating and had discussed with my wife as well but I don’t think that’s the case here.

Going back to my comments about over-analyzing things and being a bumbling, oblivious guy, it’s quite possible that I misread something, over-analyzed it and thus contributed to the thing.

I made an effort today to behave as though nothing has happened and things improved. So I’ll see how this goes.

Though our respective work is project-specific, our desks are co-located and, with a couple of others, we share the same area of expertise and are expected to collaborate as necessary or useful; it’s important that, interpersonally, we get along.

Thanks everyone.

45

A few weeks ago we both had a big blow-up after hearing something disturbing from her work-husband, who is another co-worker of mine. So a bunch of stuff came out of it.

I found out the reason behind her silent treatment - she was really annoyed by the fact that I was apparently looking at her monitor and listening to her phone conversations. This, inadvertantly but accurately, because once I overheard her making plans for dining out so I had asked her what the restaurant was like. I don’t deny this but the proximity of our work-stations makes overhearing unavoidable.

As I told her during the argument, all she had to do was mention it at the time as I had absolutely no idea that this was so bothersome to her.

What I also found out, however, was that during our most recent project together, where I was functioning as her leader, she was uncomfortable with my leadership style and was concerned that we wouldn’t finish on time.

First some clarity on my leadership style. I was a naval officer for 32 years with a fair bit of leadership experience. I’m also not naturally a hard-ass. My leadership tends to be fairly collaborative and based on the assumption that my subordinates are responsible adults.

In one of my last jobs in the navy (an office job), I was assigned a woman of the same rank as me, to assist me in my job. After a few months she had told me a number of times that I was “an awesome boss” and the best boss she ever had.

In a more recent job (now in civilian industry) I had a small team and at the end of the project they thanked me for my leadership.

Throughout my career I have never missed any deadlines.

In this particular instance, I had a deliverable that was essentially something that I had done twice before in the last year, and in one case I was told by a supervisor that it was the best report of this type that he had seen. I was completely unaware of any of this maneuvering by my co-worker.

However, this nervous co-worker, instead of discussing her concerns with me, discussed the issue with three different mutual co-workers before discussing it with two different supervisors to whom we both report.

I am gobsmacked. I try to be a principled, ethical, decent and supportive guy who enjoys having some levity at work. I don’t have a “game face” that I turn on and turn off as appropriate and I’m a shitty actor. And I have always had a really good relationship with co-workers.

Now I have become wary of my immediate co-workers. This week I start chairing a sub-committee comprising the co-worker in question, one of the mutual co-workers, and one of the mutual bosses mentioned above. So in the room will be three people who may question my effectiveness.

Now, velomont the jocular and effective has to become velomont the serious. I could theoretically have to wear a game-face at work for the next few years.

At these meetings I will have to be artificially serious and possibly a hard-ass, just to appear effective.

Until all this happened, I loved my job and my co-workers. Now, I just don’t know. I did not anticipate that my working life would wrap up this way. It’s very, very disappointing and sad to me.

46

If I had a subordinate giving me the silent treatment like a child, I’d never work with her again.

Looks to me it’s her or you, and she’s already gunning for you. You should be taking steps to protect yourself or she’s going to get you fired.

She’s got you on defense; she’s on offense. If you don’t change your game plan, you’re a goner.

47

I have to read that a few more times to begin to understand what happened, but what the…?? What advantage is it to her to put you in that position?

You’ve done stellar work so why do all these people all of a sudden not have confidence in you? I don’t get it. You get results without being a jerk. That’s valuable.

I’m sorry this happened. :frowning:

48

Don’t change yourself. What you’ve been doing has worked for you, so just keep doing it. Trying to become someone else in anticipation of the fallout she may or may not have created for you seems unproductive to me.

If you are truly concerned, you might consider discussing with your supervisor, just to see if he/she has gotten any of this feedback on you and your performance. Otherwise, keep doing your job and try not to sweat the small stuff.

I think it’s more important that you get your work done. I also believe that your direct reports are going to be a lot happier working for you with your current style, rather than the new hard ass one you think you might need.

If you have any influence or means to get her transferred elsewhere, however, I would use them. She’s sounds disruptive.

49

Just reading your last update, I have to wonder - Did the last project that she was so worried about finish on time and successfully? And wouldn’t that have tended to spike her guns, and those of anyone else who she might have influenced (I hope I’m using that metaphor correctly, as a military person I expect you would know)?

This is by way of agreeing with ddsun. It sounds like you have a good record at this company, based on actual accomplishments instead of politics or drama-making. I think you should continue on as you have been, especially if you are nearing the end of your career.

Good luck. And props for using “comprised” correctly.

50

Hi levdrakon, Helena330, ddsun, and Rod Femm. Thanks for your replies and insights.

Co-worker is one of a few survivors of a fairly spectacular house-cleaning after being involved in a project that went severely south, through no fault of hers. She can be a tad intense so that did play a big role in her actions. In fact she was quite explicit about that.

Regarding my future behaviour, as I mentioned earlier I’m a terrible actor and the coolness genes went somewhere else during my creation. So after all of this I’m wary so I’ll chug along politely and professionally and see how things go.

51

You have no obligation to change your behavior based on one woman’s opinion. Frankly based on this new information she sounds nuts. You have presented plenty of evidence that you have regular feedback on being competent at your job, and plenty of evidence that this woman gets upset about stupid shit all the time. Stick with what’s been working for you and don’t worry so much about trying to please everyone. I don’t think this woman can be pleased.

52

In the office, people are supposed to pretend they’re blind and deaf when it comes to overhearing phone calls and seeing monitors.

It seems no one gave you that information, which is too bad. But that’s how it is.

In return, people need to keep their off-topic computer activities to a minimum and not discuss gory details about health or relationships on the phone. If someone needs to call the vet about their dog’s anal glands, do so from a conference room with the door closed.

53

Oh I do understand about pretending I’m blind and deaf but I think, in this case, I over-estimated the level of our then-co-worker friendship. Though that was a mistake on my part in many respects.

54

If a friend does something that pisses you off, your two options are a) tell them and sort it out, or b) decide it’s not worth the hassle and forget it. ‘Get into a lasting snot and refuse to tell them the problem’ isn’t an option except for people who are wayyyy too much work.

And is there any reason why you’re assuming that your co-workers agree with her about your management style? Just because it doesn’t suit one person is no reason for you to change it. If it’s working for you and it gets the job done, just keep doing what you’re doing and let her deal with it.

55

I don’t understand her reaction at all. It’s not like she made a private medical phone call, she talked about a freaking restaurant, for god’s sake. My coworkers make personal phone calls all the time; one about her divorce proceedings and the other once scheduled an emergency surgery when her boyfriend whacked his tooth through his tongue. When people asked if boyfriend was okay she didn’t get all huffy, she told us the details of what happened, we commiserated and moved on with our lives.

If your phone call is that private, take it out of earshot.

You sound like you second-guess your choices a lot and take on more responsibility for others’ behavior than you should, which is something I can relate to, but honestly, this bitch sounds crazy. You are hereby absolved of responsibility for her tendency to throw irrational shit-fits. Unless other people are actively agreeing with her and telling you about it, just assume you’re in the right.

56

“Thank you for your honesty” is exactly what I would say if someone hit me with something that I was taken aback by, or criticism I didn’t expect. It’s neutral and a way to respond in the moment without agreeing or disagreeing. Then as I digested what I was told, I would decide how I felt about it, and that may then affect how I interacted with the critiquer.