I’m not clear why you are so mystified. Per your description of her whatever her competence and skillset she is directed and intense, maybe a bit too intense bordering on overbearing at times in dealing with other people. Fair or unfair people get annoyed when men behave like this and they get super annoyed when women behave like this.
You told her this was the way she interacted with people and it might be one reason why she was having issues re her work interactions and people’s response to her. She said “thanks for the info” and you thought you had done a good deed with your constructive observation/criticism.
Do you honestly think this is the first time she has been told this? I will guarantee you that she is acutely aware of how she comes across and that interaction style is where she finds her center of power and greatest satisfaction even if it’s dysfunctional on other levels. You telling her this info was old news to her and not particularly something she really wanted to hear despite her coming to you for advice.
I have found that people in general who want advice do not really want advice, they want you to listen to them and sympathize and agree with them. Your advice to her despite her polite response was not what she was looking for and now you are no longer someone she will invite interaction with. It’s not a mystery it’s the way people like that react. You’re in or you’re out.
I’m sort of with Astro but not completely. Maybe something happened that hurt her and she was confiding in you. You offered unsolicited advice instead of just listening and it hurt her feelings by making it sound like it was all her fault. Maybe it is but she didn’t expect to hear blame from you, her friend.
That never occurred to me but, in retrospect, it makes a lot of sense and I should have known better.
Interestingly my wife, who’s met this person and has heard me talking about her enough, told me that I’m dealing with a female version of myself. If someone had given me similar advice I possibly would not have taken it well.
I don’t know if there’s anything I can do to undo this, unfortunately.
Women in particular-they don’t want advice. They just want you to listen and offer sympathy. Many men don’t get this and try to offer advice, thus offending the woman. Plus your advice was rather insulting and sexist, and probably made her quite angry. So you’re off her “chatting buddy” list.
That’s my take too. If I confided in a friend that I didn’t have any girlfriends (with the implicit message that this bothered me), I wouldn’t really want to hear them diagnose my personality quirks or flaws. Most people are extra vulnerable when they share something personal and painful, especially if they are normally very private. The more compassionate action would have been to tell her a lot of women have the same problem and it doesn’t mean there’s anything wrong with her. Then reaffirm that you think she’s cool people. Different strokes for different folks.
So yeah, I think the OP’s honesty is why she’s so terse now. The only thing that can fix things is time. Apologizing for it isn’t going to erase the fact that she knows you see her negatively.
Actually, there’s another element that I completely forgot about until today. Another co-worker used to jokingly refer to her as “Sergeant-Major”. She asked me if she was really like that (at roughly the same time as her other conversation). Nonetheless it probably wasn’t one of my better moments.
Oddly, however, the dark cloud seems to have lifted somewhat today. I’m very glad of that and I hope it’s real.
I do believe that I hurt her as many others have suggested.
Was I sexist, as spamforbrains suggested? I don’t think so. From what I’ve seen while working here the last few years, the women are all “one of the guys”. I actually had to give similar advice to a male co-worker at about the same time and still have coffee and laughs at intervals - no change. If I treat a co-worker differently because of her gender, to me that’s sexist.
Notwithstanding all that. I think that we’re both trying to struggle out of this even though neither of us completely trust each other.
Ha! My ex-wife pulled the same thing on me! I spent an entire day trying to figure out what was bothering her, and when she finally let it out (I was mean to her in her dream.) I was like, “Okay, let me get this straight…”
It’s a bullet point on the list for reasons we’re no longer married.
See, that’s the problem with trying to be “genderblind” - the fact of the matter is, men and women are going to be coming in with different experiences, and it really isn’t always appropriate to treat them 100% the same in all interactions.
Did you tell the guy this after he revealed something sensitive to you, like how difficult it is to make friends? Because context matters; you can’t just compare two scenarios as if they should produce the same result.
I can see how she might interpret your comment as sexist, because women are often told anything less than sugar and spice is “aggressive and intense”. But even if she doesn’t see any sexism, it doesn’t mean it didn’t hit a sensitive nerve in her. Perhaps the guy you similarly advised is wired completely different. Maybe he likes being seen as aggressive and intense because it fits his self-image.
Guys in general don’t mind as much because they already understand the standard male response, which is to try to figure out a solution to whatever the problem is. That’s gotten me into trouble with a number of women, but no men that I can recall.
To answer some recent questions, I just remembered another detail. There were two occasions in her case. The first was regarding her lack of close friends. The second, ironically, involved the guy I was discussing. The three of us were on the same project and the guy frequently, though in jest, called her “sergeant-major”. One day she asked me if she was really that bad. Then I answered as mentioned earlier.
Obviously it was a bad move on my part. If she worked in a different part of the building I probably would not have started this thread. However, our cubicle layout consists of pairs of 6’ long desks (with one stubby L-shaped protrusion at each of the pair) within a cubicle. She and I sit together about 4 or 5 feet apart. Moving isn’t really an option and isn’t my preferred choice even if it was.
I have asked her on a several occasions to talk, I’ve apologized a few times (even though I didn’t know what exactly I did) but she absolutely refuses to say that anything’s wrong.
Any suggestions from the women out there as to how, if possible, to fix this? I have never experienced anything remotely like this in my working life.
God, stop bothering her. Stop asking her to talk. Stop apologizing! You’re annoying me and I’m not even sitting next to you. Accept the new paradigm. Chat with her about light things.
I don’t usually tell people “what’s wrong” at work either if it’s something relatively minor because that just opens a whole new opportunity to talk, and talk, and talk about it, when time will just smooth it over.
Maybe nothing is wrong and she has just withdrawn from you. That’s her right as a human being! Respect it! Me, every time a man has respected my boundaries I have liked him better as a person. Every time they push, and push, and push, I just want them to go away.
That’s my advice, as a vagina-bearing person. Stop trying to fix it! Just let it be.
Let some more time pass. Apologizing just sets back the clock, delaying the healing. Stop making this is “a thing” and eventually she’ll forgive and forget. Or not. Regardless of what happens, it’s completely in her hands not yours.
I know it’s uncomfortable and it hurts to know you may have hurt someone. But you have to let this go.
Maybe she found out about the previous thread. Finding my actions discussed and analyzed on a public message board would lead to me avoiding any further contact.
And since when does hard as nails have to mean not nice? Or can only men be known as firm, but fair?
velomont, You had what is referred to as a “work wife.” It is a very real and very common occurrence among people who work closely together.
The project is completed, she has moved on to a new project and she is now your ex-work wife. Your common goals have passed, the unity is gone, and she has found another project.
I am not trying to be funny, at least not this time.
I had a ‘work wife’ for several years. She and I worked closely together in the same small office room, just her and I. And she had some unrelated problems with upper management, so they waited until I was on vacation and fired her, to save me from being in the middle of it.