My nickel is on funny, but I’d like to find out. 
Brilliant post.
I think the most intriguing question is “What do they tell people about YOU when you are out of the room?”
“Did I hear you mention your mother? Well, Sampiro had a terrible time with his mother and he’s very sensitive about it. Try not to mention ‘mother’ around him.”
From listening to your coworkers comments I get the impression that Cindy has had some sort of tragedy in her life.
Maybe you should ask her husband.
So…gonna ask Cindy to help with your Hunter Thompson project?
Her husband needs Sampiro butting in like he needs a hole in the head.
“Local woman dies in tragic fall after tripping over massive pile of eggshells, film at 11. In other news, University professor said to be gay.”
I’d love to hear the “mother” story, all I could hear was Norma Desmond talking after you said that part 
I swear, I just nearly peed my pants laughing, especially because I’ve seen that EXACT “pull you aside and tell you something incredibly personal about someone that you really didn’t need to know because you didn’t say anything offensive to begin witih” trick myself. Beautiful.
My young teenage cousin committed suicide by hanging. Very tragic on its own, but two weeks after the funeral her father, my uncle, went to the spot where his daughter died and killed himself the exact same way in the exact same spot. Utterly horrifying, you know?
Now… try to have a conversation with family members after that and not trip over the phrase “hanging around” or “hanging out.”
Yes, it’s sad and tragic and painful, but it is NOT cause to walk on eggs. Cold as it may seem, life does go on, and it sounds to me that Cindy’s coping just fine.
You, on the other hand, are in the wrong job. You oughta take over Dave Barry’s job.
Note that this thread, while not really about Sampiro’s coming-out story, gives an awesomely funny look at his family and at the same time had me thinking, “Oh, NO, she didn’t!”
Okay, the situation described is NOT funny, but sad in a “how heartless can that person be” way. The incidentals, however, are hilarious…
Wow, that story about your mama is incredible. It’s got some King Lear parallels that I think are quite fascinating. I have no doubt your mama will handle whatever is thrown her way, regardless of whether your brother and sister ever decide to do the right thing and help her out.
You are an excellent writer. And with your sense of humor, you could be the next David Sedaris, maybe even better.
And I’d love to hear the coming out story if you’re ever inclined to tell it.
Dang, Sampiro, you are one helluva funny sucker when you get rolling.
FWIW, I don’t think your wincingly ‘sensitive’ coworkers are all that concerned about Cindy. It sounds to me like a standard variant of Social OneUpsManship with death as the excuse. You know, the tiresome hominid impulse for relative strangers to involve themselves into other peoples’ lives, therby demonstrating a superior degree of belonging. Pious, faux vicarious grief makes a convenient stick in a game of competitive sensitivity, with Cindy as the puck. The game of group-enforced pussyfooting probably just serves to make the suicide the defining moment of Cindy’s life, no matter what balance Cindy might find.
Bah. I’m particularly tired out and pissy right now so that’s probably a bit too dire. Your coworkers might just be thoughtless; you know, going along with the herd.
But Cindy might well find you a rare breath of fresh air if you apologize for causing any unintended grief, because at least she’d finally have a fair chance of saying how she feels about it. It’s gotta be tiresome in the extreme, being the eye of all those whispers and pitying looks swirling around her.
Isn’t working with other people fun?!
Actually, tired out or not, you’re pretty insightful. I’m aware of this social tactic, but I don’t think I’ve ever heard it summed up so neatly and I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be able to explain it that way.
Well, you could always ask them for pointers on how to discuss these things without actually discussing suicide. And always use an extra amount of sarcasm. Buttheads.
I don’t know Augusten Burroughs from the man in the moon, but I’d pay to read Sampiro’s stuff.
Now, now. So sorry to hear you’re feeling out of sorts. Get some rest and take care of yourself. These things always pass, dear. Here’s a hug.
Sampiro, one hellava post! I like ETF’s advice.
Ditto TVeblen. It’s gossip. “Psst, oh by the way, Cindy’s husband killed herself.” They want to be the first to tell you.
Personally, I think you should pull Cindy aside (maybe take her out to lunch?) and see how she really feels. I think she’s very tired of being known as The Wife of The Man Who Committed Suicide Two Years Ago by Blowing His Brains Out. Who knows, if she’s up to it, you guys could come up with some screamingly funny set-up conversation to shock the rest of the buttinskys.
(Note to self: Sampiro is now up there with Scylla and Sauron and Master Wang-ka for storytelling genius. Read everything.)
Great story, Sampiro. It shot some much-needed humor into my afternoon. In fact, I laughed my head off. I too would want to read more of your writing. You aim to please!
I wonder if Cindy’s husband once worked at the Susquehanna Hat Factory.
You kinda did. 