Yes, Mother (or Jester gets to be a chauffeur)

The BBQ Pit
1

Okay, Mother, are you ready to go pick up my sister? Good. Let’s roll!

Yes, Mother, I am looking behind me when I’m backing out. Hence, my head is turned at a 180 degree angle.

Yes, Mother, I remembered to close the garage door. See? I’m pushing the button NOW.

Yes, Mother, I know this isn’t the way we usually go. This way is faster, see?
No, Mother, I’m not insulting your intelligence.
NO, Mother, I’m not patronizing you.
<sigh> Yes, Mother, I’ll turn around and go your way now.

Yes, Mother, I remembered to close the garage door.

Yes, Mother, I know the way.

YES, Mother, I saw that green light. That’s why I drove through it. Green means go.

YES, Mother, I know this is a merge lane.
YES, Mother, I know I need to speed up.

YES, Mother, I REMEMBERED TO CLOSE THE GARAGE DOOR.

YES, Mother, I know I need to stop here. It’s a red light, see?
NO, Mother, I’m not patronizing you!

YES, Mother, I see Emily standing there.
YES, Mother, I’m stopping for here. See? I’m pulling over.
YES, Mother, I’m allowed to park here. That’s why it says “Parking.”

YES, MOTHER, I remembered to close the garage door!

YES, MOTHER, I was planning on taking the parkway home.
YES, MOTHER, I know traffic is slow.
NO, MOTHER, I don’t think that going through downtown would be faster.
<sigh> YES, MOTHER, I’ll go through downtown.

YES, MOTHER, I remembered to close the garage door!

YES, MOTHER, I SAW THAT GREEN LIGHT!

NO, MOTHER, you do NOT have a brake pedal on your side of the car! Therefore, PLEAESE don’t pretend you do and slam your foot to the floor when I’m trying to DRIVE!

YES, MOTHER, this is taking a long time! But, guess what? It was YOUR idea to come this way!

YES, MOTHER, I REMEMBERED TO CLOSE THE FREAKIN’ GARAGE DOOR!!!

<sigh> Yes, Mother, I’ll stop yelling.

Yes, Mother, we’re almost home. Yes, Mother, “Thank God.” I agree.

Yes, Mother, of course I’ll drive you out to meet Dad on the turnpike tomorrow.

Yes, Mother, I love you too. Good night, Mother.

[sub]Rassum frassum sonofa…[/sub]
What?

No, Mother, I didn’t say anything. Good night, Mother.

2

Hehehehe…

Been there. Looking forward to the day I can do that to my kids.

:smiley:

3

Jester…are we siblings?
Based on this conversation, we have the same mother.

Yes, I saw the freaking green light! Stop trying to hit that imaginary brake pedal!

4

[Principal Skinner]
“I owe everything I have to my mother’s watchful eye. Oh, there’s mother now, watching me. What’s that? Why, I have a right to be here, it’s school business. That sailor suit doesn’t fit any more!”

(pause)

“Yes, mother.”
[/Principal Skinner]

:smiley:

5

While it may seem rather annoying right now, enjoy her while you can, because all too soon, she will be gone. :frowning:

6

Jester, that’s my Dad - 100%.

It’s gotten so that I won’t drive him anywhere unless he’s had a martini or two glasses of wine first. Then he mellows out a bit.

7

Mother do you think they’ll drop the bomb?
Mother do you think they’ll like this song?
Mother do you think they’ll try to break my balls?
Mother should I build the wall?
Mother should I run for president?
Mother should I trust the government?
Mother will they put me in the firing line?
Mother am I really dying?
Hush now baby, baby, dont you cry.
Mother’s gonna make all your nightmares come true.
Mother’s gonna put all her fears into you.
Mother’s gonna keep you right here under her wing.
She wont let you fly, but she might let you sing.
Mama will keep baby cozy and warm.
Ooooh baby ooooh baby oooooh baby,
Of course mama’ll help to build the wall.
Mother do you think she’s good enough to me?
Mother do you think she’s dangerous to me?
Mother will she tear your little boy apart?
Mother will she break my heart?
Hush now baby, baby dont you cry.
Mama’s gonna check out all your girlfriends for you.
Mama wont let anyone dirty get through.
Mama’s gonna wait up until you get in.
Mama will always find out where you’ve been.
Mama’s gonna keep baby healthy and clean.
Ooooh baby oooh baby oooh baby,
You’ll always be baby to me.
Mother, did it need to be so high?

  • PF 1979
8

Nice rant and all, but… Is anyone else suddenly envisioning Jester as Norman Bates? <shudder>

Now I’m going to have to start unpluging my modem before I take a shower. Just in case.

9

Yeah, Miller, I was picturing him driving by himself and conversing in two different voices.

Regarding the “phantom brake” thing, it’s just reflexes. You’re in the front, so it’s like driving, but the car isn’t stopping when you think it should. I do the same thing when my parents are driving sometimes. :slight_smile:

10

Well, another thing that I forgot to mention was the “ejection seat reflex,” in which the passenger in question grips the sides of his or her seat as tightly as is humanly possible, somehow hoping to lift themselves and the seat out of the car.

Now, if you’ll excuse me, Mother has just informed me that talking to all of you dirty, evil “Dopers” is not good for me. I’m going to leave you ruffians to wallow in your own filth, why I brush up on my taxidermy…

Yes, Mother. Coming, Mother.

11

[vader voice]

Jester, I am your Father.

/[vader voice]

I have had this EXACT SAME conversation with Mrs. Bandersnatch. Who is this woman? When did I get to be so incompetent?