Buliwyf, I wasn’t reading the boards regularly in September, so I was unaware of your wife’s pregnancy or your loss. My sympathies go out to both of you, and I just wanted to say that I am grateful for you sharing your original post and for explaining the picture on your desk, a daily reminder of your beautiful daughter. You and your wife are very strong, and my thoughts are with you both.
[sub]My original thought was to post a “Fuckwit” type response to your co-worker, but really, reading this and the previous thread just touched me so, that I am instead focusing on the positive.[/sub]
I’m surprised that nobody has thought to suggest that the co-worker be exposed to this message board. I think it would do him some good to read what his fellow humans think of him.
My wife is due to have a daughter in about three weeks. My heart will go out to you, Buliwyf, when I get to hold her for the first time. I may have missed the information on whether you have other children or plan to, but when you are ready, please consider it. Then you can raise him or her correctly and not have your child turn out to be an idiot like the person who you resisted the urge to kill.
**Buliwyf **, Montana is absolutely beautiful. I’m sorry for your loss, and I sympathize, having lost one of my own a few years ago. My thoughts are with your and your wife.
What a beautiful, perfect child. You are lucky to have such a picture of her, and if I were you, I’d want to look at her every day at work as well.
As for your prick of a co-worker, one can only hope that he falls prey to a painful, but non-fatal disease that twists his intestines into pretzels and causes intense gastro distress for a good week.
Yes, not to mention deathbed photos and photos of people laid out in their coffins.
She’s a beautiful baby. So adorable.
A girl I was friends with back in high school had a brother who was stillborn. Her family had one picture of him in one of those collage frames. I thought it was a touching tribute to him.
As others have said, it’s a very beautiful photograph. I, personally, find it touching that you keep a reminder of your daughter with you. It says wonderful things about you.
Your cow-orker is a reprehensible asshole, and that’s all I care to say about such a disgraceful excuse for a human being.
BTW, I thought long and hard about this; there are all kinds of snappy responses you could make about removing your co-worker’s eyes with a spoon, if sight is so unbearable, but really, I don’t think any of these would be appropriate.
What would (in my opinion, and entirely subject to the regulations of your woprkplace) be quite appropriate, is to merely say “Oh fuck off!”. YMMV
On friday, my anger reached a fever pitch. I literally couldn’t speak to the person that said such unfeeling unthinking things to me. I wrote the OP quickly and with great and mounting frustration and anger. I’m calmer now. I wanted to thank all of you. I wanted to thank you for reminding me who my daughter is. She is my angel, my guiding light. She proves this to me time and again.
Having read the outpouring of outrage and love from all of you, I feel one hundred percent better. I especially loved hearing from those of you who have your own little angels. MsRobyn, Pantellerite, all of you. Thank you so much. I find that talking about my daughter is so cathartic. but hearing from “strangers” how she touched your lives is so moving that now I’m in tears again. Thank you.
God, only my daughter could inspire a pit thread full of so much love.
BTW, I will update all of you on this person on Monday. I’ve heard a few things this weekend indicating that he feels like pond scum. In keeping with the spirit of my daughter I’m going to talk to him on Monday about how he made me feel. If he is feeling bad, hopefully this will heal both of us, if he isn’t, he will be when I’m done.
I know, I should punch and kick and throttle him, but I just can’t bring myself to maintain anger over my daughter. She’s better than that and deserves more. Keep an eye out friends, I’ll be starting an MPSIMS thread soon for those of us with lost angels, and anyone with their own angels who’d like to talk with us about it. I’ve decided that I need to talk about her more. It’s very cathartic for me. I spend so much time helping Montanas mom that I sometimes forget to help me. so this will be my own version of counseling. Thank you again all of you. I apologize for the disjointedness of this post, but you’ve all hit me so hard with all your love and support.
Some photos of stillborns are disturbing. I wouldn’t post links to photos of my son or have his pictures on public display. While when Mr P and I look at the photos, all we see is our beloved son, objectively he doesn’t look like a photo of a newborn. That’s not true of Montana and if Ambrose looked like her I’d have a photo up somewhere.
But mostly I keep the photos private because I don’t want to deal with other people’s reactions. It hurts, it is not going to stop hurting and I don’t need the little petty pin pricks of other people’s insensitivity or lack of grace. In the end you just do what you do so that you can survive what is one of the worst experiences I could have imagined.
I wouldn’t have said that Montana was a pretty baby if I didn’t think she was. If I felt even a little bit “disturbed” by her picture, I still would have written supportive things, of course. But I would not have lied about finding her pretty if indeed I had been “disturbed”. But, as a matter of fact, she looked like a pretty, sleeping baby. That is all.
Primaflora is right. Some stillborn pictures are disturbing. But Montana’s picture was not. End of story (at least as far as I, and a lot of others here, are concerned).
Buliwyf, you are doing the right thing by looking after yourself and your feelings. It is a very good thing you are doing, to talk about your precious baby. It will help you heal. The fact that you feel better now after sharing your pretty daughter’s picture with us is proof of that. So many times, people who are uncomfortable with grieving want to “sweep it all under the rug” and not discuss the lost loved one, and not be reminded of them. But that’s exactly what they should NOT do. Most grieving people get great comfort by talking about the one they lost. They need to know that this person is not forgotten.
A while ago, I met one of my dad’s old co-workers. He took the time to talk about my dad for a few moments, remembering little details about my dad that I didn’t know about. This was YEARS after my dad had died, so I’d “officially” gotten over my grief. But that short conversation pretty much made my day. I wore a grin the rest of the day, and told the rest of my family about that conversation later on. That man didn’t know it, but he probably made my WEEK. Just a few comments, a few minutes of conversation, and it meant so much to me.
That’s how it is for many grieving people. We know we have to go on without our loved one, but we love to talk about them and to remember them.
Buliwyf, I opened this thread fairly soon after you started it and was in absolute tears over what happened to you. I didn’t comment because I don’t like to wander into the pit, but I have thought often of you and your wife and daughter over the last 24 hours. Thank you so much for sharing your beautiful Montana with all of us. I am so very sorry all that you’ve been through and I will be sending good thoughts your way as you try to put this nasty incident with your coworker behind you.
Well, Shep, your feelings are your feelings and you have as much right to them as anyone else has to their feelings. And if you can’t be honest at the Dope where can you be?
However, there are a LOT of disturbing things in life and when you grow up and become an adult you will be forced to confront them. Part of the growing up process is learning to cope with unpleasent parts of the universe.
The truth is, there is nothing in that picture to indicate the child is stillborn. What YOU find disturbing is not the picture or the child but the reminder of death. Which happens to us all, sooner or later.
As disturbing as you might find that picture to be, it is not nearly as “disturbing” as having your child die. I think Buliwyf’s need for a reminder of his daughter outweighs your need for a sanitized world.
I’m glad you have it in your heart to allow your co-worker to seek forgiveness for his unbelievably calloused remarks. Sounds to me like he might have told your other co-workers about the exchange and they set him straight. Good.
Montana is a beautiful child. I can see your wife’s tears and it is heart-breaking. I’m so very sorry your desk isn’t brimming with pictures of little Montana as she grew. You are a loving, sensitive, level-headed father. We need more of you in this world.
