As of current I’ve been living in Tokyo for almost three years and have been impressively denied from meeting anyone that I would particularly want to hang out with. My brother visitted me for a week a few months ago, but other than that I’ve had three straight years of online society as my social life (MMORPGs, SDMB.) Nor is there any way for me to really fix this due to my work schedule.
Now, by some cruel trick of fate the only person I know in Tokyo who I do know and would enjoy spending time with is the girl who dumped me just before I came here. Though I haven’t seen her the whole time I’ve been here.
Well just being dumped is one thing, but frankly I was the guy who had the great big melt down, you can’t do this to me, I love you, please please please–all for a rather sizable period of time and rather vocally. Generally I wouldn’t view myself as the scary stalker freak guy (and no I didn’t stalk her or do anything actually scary), just that at that time and towards her that my entire brain turned off and I made every effort as coming across as icky-freak who won’t get a clue.
So, assuming that one of the ladies here have had some guy go entirely overboard after being turned down–to a potentially scary degree–what say you to if he calls you up for lunch three years later. Under the bridge, or more of an “Oh shit…” ? I’ve already lasted three years so I can just keep going if all that I would be doing is reminding her of the pheah (fear) after all this time later. Just at the moment I’ve been going into a rather subtle funk and this is the only idea that has really occured to me.
Ah, and just since the title may be misleading (damn my hyperbolic ways!) I’m talking about asking her out just as someone to hang out with, not to call up asking for a date.
I’ve had two melt down on me in the past. Don’t call. The reaction is “Crap! Here we go again.” Personally, I just don’t answer the phone (one of the two still calls me). But then I spend the next few days looking over my shoulder and laying low to be sure we don’t “spontaneously” “run into” each other.
And, if it went down the way you say, then she probably doesn’t dislike you enough to tell you to take a hike and hang up the phone. So, there’s the "I don’t want to hurt his feelings by saying “no”, but I don’t want to send mixed messages by saying “yes”.
But, she’s her not me, and you are you not my ex - so I suppose you should take this all with a grain of salt.
How about have some freakin pride and not go bothering some girl who has told you she doesn’t want to see you and has provided supporting evidence of her desire to not see you by not contacting you for three years?
Last time I was there they still had Japanese women in Japan. Many of them, indeed, were quite attractive. Can’t you be pestering one of them to go out for lunch instead of some chick who ditched you all that time ago?
And it’s not a matter of pride, msmith. Just that literally I know no one for three thousand or some odd frickin miles that I would want to go out for a drink with after work, let alone go hang out with–except one obviously. That doesn’t have anything to do with trying to repair my relations with ex-girlfriend zeta, but simply that any pal I have to call up to chill with over a game of pool has either the entirety of the Pacific Ocean or all of the Asian continental land mass between me and him. Or at least my Australian friend is near the same time zone. I don’t even get along with my brother all that well.
As far as becoming “friends” with your ex, she’ll never believe that you want to just be friends (as evidenced by “I was the guy who had the great big melt down, you can’t do this to me, I love you, please please please–all for a rather sizable period of time and rather vocally”).
The desire to return to the company of a former mate, is natural. Unless they’re, well, wretched people. The chances that you are subconsciously wanting more than just a friend (in her) [sub]hee hee, in her[/sub] are quite high. Not sayin’ that’s so, just sayin’.
Bottom line is, you need a warm body, and those aren’t available online. Girls need for their guys to be able to devote time to them. See first paragraph.
If you are only asking “how do I approach my ex without her being creeped out”, I don’t think you’ll find an answer to your liking. As mentioned above, that might not be in either of your best interests.
Clarify your intended response if I was way off base. I tend to do that.
Nope, I just wanted to not rely on speculation as to whether it would creep her out or not. My guess was that it would, and this seems to be the concensus here so…I guess I’ll just go back to what I was doing.
REALLY, I’m so jealous of the OP. Asian women are freak’n beatifull. The chances of meeting one here in the states that would actually be intrested in dating this american boy are pretty slim.
-But hey, if I lived in a country full of them; my chances just got a whole lot better!!
But all shallowness aside, I concur with what msmith537 said.
If I may ask, what’s your work schedule like? I mean, the SDMB and MMOs are both huge time sinks, so hopefully there’s some time during the week (or weekends at least) to just go out somewhere to hang out, even if it is just a cafe or park or something to read a book. Sometimes, IMHE, it helps those subtle funks to just be out amongst people, even if you don’t interact with them. YMMV, of course. Best of luck.
Surely there is something you could start doing that would put you in a position to be able to meet people, and maybe make friends? Take up listening to karoke if not performing it, something proactive in your off hours. Good luck, being in a new town is rough.
On the practical side of things, for the most part the only native Japanese girls who will date a white guy are ones who want to date a white guy, and otherwise they wouldn’t as their family would probably not let them and just in general they wouldn’t want to either. And personally, I don’t fit the white guy profile that girls who want a white guy keep (i.e. fun, boisterous, and wants to date a Japanese girl whereas I am calm, cranky, and ambivalent on skin color.) Nor do I really want to as frankly relationships based on fulfilling a stereotype, regardless that they seem to work well, scare me.
You do see a lot of nice legs here, and much better taste in clothes though.
Sounds to me like you’d be happier staying in and socializing online, with all your excuses. How do you know you’ve been “impressively denied from meeting anyone that I would particularly want to hang out with” if you don’t go out at all? I assume you must have picked up some Japanese in the three years you’ve been there, and even if not, I imagine many people in your age group (20s, I’m thinking?) would know enough English to carry on a conversation, or be happy to practice.
Man, I’d kill to be able to spend some time in Japan, soaking up the culture, meeting the beautiful Japanese women as a gaijin. If nothing else, did ya know they’re really into video games in that country? You could always go play where the locals do, and make some friends that way. Or you could just stay home and dwell on a relationship that went sour several years ago.
Agreed. As a young kid, I always wondered what the (usually Vietnam Vet type) guys thought was so hot about Asian chicks. Now I know.
What?
Her advice is, well, not advice per se. It just assumes that the OP is an obsessive douche bag. Not helpful.
Not smart. I saw a movie recently where someone said “If you keep doing what you always did, you’ll keep getting what you always got.” You change nothing, nothing changes.
A friend of mine got divorced a while back and was distraught. “I’m too old to find women”, “I can’t find a woman I like” etc.
He’s a sports fan, so I gave him a baseball analogy.
Me: You’re looking for a Home Run right?
Him: Yeah, what else?
M: How do baseball players hit Home Runs?
H: They get tons of at-bats, and get lucky a few times.
M: Can you hit a Home Run if you don’t step up to the plate?
H: No
M: Can you get into the Hall of Fame with a ton of strike-outs?
H: Of course
I told him to set a goal. Strike out 2 times every week. Go into it with that mindset “I’m just getting my strikeout”. No pressure to succeed, just playing the averages as far as luck goes. He didn’t last two weeks before getting a girlfriend.
Get shot down. Make it a point to do so. It’s just practice. Girls have different tastes, and treat guys differently when they make a move. Get a feel for it, take a few shoot downs if need be.
Join a club, hang out at a mall, or do whatever people do in Japan to meet people. Then, get their friend’s email, and give it to me. That is all.
You know, there’s a polite way to state what you’re trying to say here, but that wouldn’t be your metier, would it? :wally
Sage Rat, it’s tough enough living someplace that you don’t know anyone, and tougher still in a culture that is both alien and exclusionary. Is there some place where ex-pats or foreign nationals (of various nations) congregate? What about ESL schools, which are likely to have a complement of American and other English-speaking people with whom you can commiserate about the alienation of living in a different culture. (Not that you shouldn’t attempt to assimilate, but as you’ve already discovered, it’s difficult to be accepted and make social connections in such a situation.)
As far as the meltdown: I’ve been through one of those, and I assume it’s as embarassing for the other party as it is for me. It’s probably best to allow such things to lie fallow. Attempting to forge a friendship atop that load of emotional baggage is, generally speaking, a very poor foundation for a relationship. Unless she approaches you, it’s probably best to leave that in the past. Besides, you need to learn to develop new relationships, or as Miss Moneypenny is fond of saying, make a better class of dating mistake.
As to the particulars of that endeavor…it beats me. But it ain’t gonna happen by sitting in front of a computer.
This was my mom’s idea actually. She suggested it once when I was back in the States and I forgot to check into it (as something that sounded actually reasonable to try besides to start clubbing in Roppongi or whatnot.) Never tried one, or even know if such things exist, but now that it’s on my mind I may as well do some googling.
I used to play pool in college (here), but where I am currently living there is no place I like. 15 minute walk to an uptight place that charges $20 per hour and requires you buy a drink at a minimum of $6 per one. Maybe there are regulars there, but the sucker always has such a wait line of people just coming in to get off the street that I would suspect any regulars would be, like me, soured off.
You need to get out more: there is no undifferentiated mass of “they”: Japanese women are, well, women. People, in fact. Individuals. They’re all different. Some want a gaijin boyfriend as a handbag, sure; many just want a decent guy to go out with.
For someone who’s apent 3 years there, you don’t have much clue, do you? See my last comment: not all Japanese women want a noisy “life of the party” guy. They’re individuals. Their tastes vary.
Now you’re bordering on being insulting: are you presuming that all such relationships are based on him wanting a submissive sex-doll and her wanting a big-dicked blonde trophy?
And you need to step away from your computer and go talk to one of them. You might be surprised to have your stereotypes overturned.
