Are modern space heaters safe?
Sure, unless you do th…AIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee…
Trying to get my monitor to work
What you do is… you’re not going to be able to read this, are you ?
Is there a name for this ?
Yup. Interesting story about it, too.
Proper use of "myriad"
When you think “a shitload” but want to sound posh.
What kind of US Army uniform is this ?
The kind that looks just like the others.
So is sharing bar soap bad ?
It’s not the sharing as much as the dropping.
Priests and werewolves
Starring Kate Beckinsdale and Christopher Lee.
Windshield replacement - use my insurance ?
That, or glass.
Why do parents count in months past the one year mark ?
You’ll understand when you’re grown up, sweetie.
You know you’re a lawyer when…
your world always smells like ass.
**
Have we done a pet pic thread lately?**
There’s never enough time between the last one and the next one.
**
Cat constipation (not really TMI)**
Really? I’m pretty sure constipation always equals TMI
**
Recommend a multi-tool**
Late Night with Jimmy Fallon and the Last Call with Carson Daily.
Thank you, Captain Obvious…
You’re welcome.
Can I shoot the crows outside my window?
Yes, but any ones that you miss then get to peck at your eyeballs. It’s only fair.
What perks do hot women get?
They can have sex with me.
Would the people from the 50s be disappointed with the future?
Hell yeah; it’s disappointing me.
**Okay, we give in! We’re buying a Wii for Christmas. What do we buy? **
Wait, wait, don’t tell me…I know this one…is it “a Wii”?
Toxic metals in foil take-out containers?
I’m sorry, sir, but toxic metals are “dine in” only.
**What did they do to Hostess Fruit Pies? **
Ate them.
**Do you have a superiority complex? **
No, I really am this fabulous.
Introducing a new cat
“Jane, this is Fluffy. Fluffy, meet Jane…”
** Did 1950s/1960s husbands really buy their wives vacuum cleaners as Christmas gifts? **
Vaccuums last a long time, so if the wife liked the gift, the husband only had to give her one. If the wife didn’t like the gift, the husband only dared give her one.
**Rainbow Colored Breastmilk [TMI - duh] **
Now we know why your baby spends so much time looking at her hand.
Truffle Hogs
You don’t frighten us, English pig dogs!
**How does one respond to someone who just doesn’t care? **
Meh.
**White House apple juice: OMG, is it always this bad? **
Some people blame Obama, others blame Bush.
**“Things To Do Before I Die” List **
- Live
**What is your pet thinking? **
Right now he’s licking his private parts. I don’t want to know what he’s thinking.
**Silent Monks Sing Hallelujah **
Deaf nuns don’t applaud.
**Guys, need some vasectomy experience **
You ain’t gonna practice on me.
"Things To Do Before I Die" List
If you had “make thousands of people waste hundreds of thousands of man hours reading a thread nobody could possibly care about except the person who wrote it” on your list, then you can cross it off now.
Would intestinal worms die in space?
Just like any other terrestial life form consisting of more than 1 cell.
Apples for an apple tart?
It’s hard to make an apple tart out of oranges.
Is Anyone Developing a Space Plane?
Anyone? Bueller?
What goes through my cat’s head when I meow at him?
Sound.
Why is a tennis bracelet called a tennis bracelet?
Because hockey players won’t wear them.
How cold is too cold?
Well, you can’t go below 0 Kelvin…
Where do you get your wine from?
The brown bag in my hand.
Infected belly button vs brain tumor
Infected belly button, please. Duh.
Remember Wally?
Who?
Are children still being taught to tie shoes and tell time?
Yep. “It’s time you learned to tie your own shoes, young man!”
Am I being a jerk? (long)
Yes. (short)
Is welding something I could learn on my own?
Providing you don’t mind destroying things or crippling yourself, I say go for it!
What do mathematicians do if a proof turns out to be wrong?
Fudge.
Can I shoot the crows outside my window?
That’s what I’d recommend. Inside the window would be messy and dangerous.
Would you play “spin the bottle” as an adult?
Well, it’s kinda too late for me to play “spin the bottle” as a kid…
How long before yogurt goes bad?
Once it gets in bad company, a distressingly short time.
Does somebody who has seven or more drinks at least three days per week have a drinking problem?
No, it sounds like he’s got the hang of it. 
It’s not Christmas until…
December 25th.
What do mathematicians do if a proof turns out to be wrong?
Make it up anyway, just like the global warming crowd.
A light in the sky in northern Norway
We have that up in Canada. I’m told they call it The Moon.
Is that how it’s spelled?
No, that is how that’s spelled. It is spelled I-T.
Can I get fit in a month?
Well sure, but if it takes your tailor that long, you need to start looking for a new tailor.
Rainbow Colored Breastmilk [TMI - duh]
You’re eating way too many Skittles.
How do I find out what my tub’s made of?
Cut off a piece and run it through the mass spectrometer. Duh!
Do People Still Do Old Drugs?
Maybe if they’re desperate, but they’re probably pretty stale by now.
Is welding something I could learn on my own?
Of course. Just have the burn unit on speed dial.
women, men, and farts
holds envelope to head Name three things found in a Dutch oven.
Has the Olympic Flame ever gone out?
Since they have to keep lighting the damn thing every time they hold the Olympics, I’d have to say yes.
Salad or Juice what’s the deal?
Salad is a solid, juice is a liquid. Do I really need to explain that?
Hamsters razor blades and eyebolts
holds envelope to head Name three things Richard Gere has in his medicine cabinet.