Yet another social situation that I don't understand

In My Humble Opinion
1

The other morning, two coworkers came into my office just as I arrived.

Betty: Hey, monstro. Wilma has a question to ask.

Internally I brace myself. Uh-oh. What now?

Wilma: We were just talking about my wedding. How about you play your viola for the ceremony? It could be your wedding present to me. Would you do it?

Me: Uh…no.

Background. All three of us are “friends”. I put this word in quotation marks not to be a jerk, but because I don’t consider myself very close to them. They have never been to my home, nor me to theirs. I have socialized with them outside of work before, but not very often. I can’t imagine confiding anything personal to either one of them, though they have no problem spilling their guts to me. I like them okay, but they are strictly work-place buds. As in, if it weren’t for work, there wouldn’t be a relationship. Outside of work, their quirks would drive me crazy. And I’m sure mine wouldn’t suit them either.

Now, if Wilma’s wedding was in Virgnia, I would consider going. We don’t have a lot in common and our personalities don’t match at all (we’re pretty much opposites), but surprisingly I get along with her. We do things that work-place buds do, like eat lunch together and bum candy/game off of each other and exchange funny looks during staff meetings. Her wedding is in rural Michigan, though. That means buying a plane ticket, making hotel reservations for mulitiple days, and twiddling my thumbs around people I don’t know, with the exception of Betty who says she’s going. Who I can barely tolerate for 8 hours at a time because she’s always complaining or being anal-retentively annoying. So I had no plans to attend this shendig, despite having to hear about it every hour on the hour, every day for the last month (the wedding is in August!!). My plan was to buy her a nice gift (I’m taking a pottery class, and I was thinking about making her some cool bowls), maybe take her to lunch with other coworkers, and be done with it.

So not only was I taken aback by the assumption that I was going to the wedding, but that I would gladly perform for the ceremony. These are things that a very close friend would do. But I’m not that friend. I’m the friend that will give you half of my peanut butter and jelly sandwich if you’ve left yours at home. I’m the friend who’ll change your cat’s kitty litter box when you go out of town. But I’m not the friend who will fly across the country and play in front of a bunch of strangers (including the groom). Wilma’s never even heard me play before. She doesn’t even know if I sound like crap!

Am I jerk for feeling kinda put out by her request? I feel like I am. Both Wilma and Betty both assumed I’d say yes, which means they think I’m much more “into” our relationship than I am. In the past Betty has told me that I’m cold and heartless–and though she says it in jest, I have a feeling she believes it. She knows enough about me to know that I would be sensitive to such a remark, but she says it anyway. And it’s situations like this one which make me agree with her. I’d love to be the type of person they want me to be, and maybe going to the wedding would make me that person. But why should I give more weight to peer pressure than “me” pressure? It’s not selfish to be the kind of friend I’m most comfortable being, is it?

I made the mistake of trying to smooth things over by telling Wilma I would come to the wedding, but just as a guest. So now I feel like I have to go. :smack:

2

IMO, that was a really inappropriate thing to ask of a “work friend”. I can’t imagine asking something like that from someone who wasn’t a close friend and hadn’t committed to going to the wedding. Which is in another state? That’s bullshit.

It was very rude of her to put you in that position.

FWIW, I’m also a musician and would be very uncomfortable if someone who wasn’t a very good friend made a similar request of me.

3

If the wedding were in town I’d think that you could suck it up for one day for the sake of workplace morale but I think that it was an inconsiderate request because of the cost and the time out of town involved. If it were me I would thank them for asking but say that I can’t afford it and even if I could that I’m very uncomfortable playing in front of strangers. That, or you could make up a family event for that weekend that you just can’t miss.

You might be overthinking the part about what kind of person you are if you don’t go. For sure it would get you one step closer to being the kind of person that gets stuck doing things that they don’t want to do and spending time with people that they don’t even like because they’re too nice to say no.

4

Lawzy, monstro. This girl really expects you to drop a few hundred bucks on airfare to attend her wedding? Ouch. I would fuss about doing that for family, much less a coworker!

I think you’re right about this part.

I’ve worked in several different offices, and with lots of different people, and there’s a certain kind of person who is really into office friendships. They want to be best buds with everyone, go to every happy hour function, every luncheon, etc. There’s nothing wrong with that - lots of those folks end up with bunches of friends, and have a lot of fun times - but some people just aren’t like that. The socialites sometimes have a bit of trouble understanding a person who is more reserved.

Then there’s the kind of person who puts people in little labeled boxes. Oh, that monstro - you know, she can play the viola! Maybe she’s somewhat like that, and when she was thinking "must … have… musician… " her mind said “monstro!”.

Anyway, I’d go if I felt like it and could afford it, but I wouldn’t lose any sleep over it if I chose not to go. I hope you don’t end up going out of some sense of guilt.

5

Yes, it was extraordinarily presumptuous of them to ask.

Fortunately, this has happened recently enough that you can claim that you just looked ahead in your calendar and realized (or were just informed of) a conflicting engagement. See, you have A Very Important Family Event That You Can Not Miss on that very day! Aw, shucks! What a pity you can’t go to her wedding! You’d certainly rather be at her wedding than that boring Important Family Event, but what can you do?

And it’s too bad about the viola thing. You sure do love to play, but that stage fright is a real pain in the neck!

Yeah, exactly.

Leaving the viola thing aside entirely–if you had posted a thread saying “my coworker wants me to go to a wedding in rural Michigan…” and explained the nature of your relationship and the particulars of what the trip would entail, you can be sure that just about everyone would be telling you that you shouldn’t go and that you shouldn’t feel at all guilty about it. So don’t go and don’t feel guilty about it.

6

You’re not a jerk. The request on it’s own doesn’t seem totally outrageous, but the way she did it was just lame. She brought a side-kick, and showed zero humility even though she was asking you a huge favor. She didn’t give you a way to say no gracefully. She assumed you were going to make the trip in the first place (and you know, she could have offered to fly you out if she really wanted you as the musician). She assumed you wanted to give her a stupid wedding present to begin with. Lame all around.

You can still back out. Wait a few days and tell her you went to put the wedding in your calender but saw you have a family event that day that you can’t get out of, very sorry, blah blah blah. I’m sure you won’t be the only local “friend” talking their way out of a trip to rural Michigan.

7

You say they’ve never heard you play. I think they’re trying to save money on the wedding. Bail.

8

This is an excellent idea. Just ask you with the face to make up something y’all have GOT to do together on that day! Shazam! Instant Very Important Family Event !!

9

Wow, that’s crass and presumptive. Now, if you were a gleeful viola player and played at every Tom, Dick, and Harry’s insistence, I’d think it would be fine to ask. Oh, and if it was within driving distance.

I think the only difference in how I would handle it would be to say, “You know, I don’t know if that’s something I can do, let me get back to you.” Then I’d come up with a good excuse to miss the wedding.

Wedding musical performances are usually either paid for or done by very close friends. If neither category applies to you, then I don’t see how it was anything but presumptive to put you in that spot. And as you note, they’ve never even heard you play! What if you’re some avant-garde violist that plays a detuned instrument, spits on the crowd, and breaks the viola in half at the end of the performance?

Not to mention it would have been better to ask with a note or somehow giving you major props for your talent, and would you be willing to share it with us at the wedding?

10

Go! Get drunk, hit on the mother-in-law, play really badly, start a fight, interupt the best man’s speech, stumble onto the buffet table … :smiley:

11

Great Idea!

Let’s face it, there are going to be relatives & close friends that don’t really want to be at this wedding. They will send their non acceptances and not feel one iota of guilt.

Don’t go & don’t fret!!

12

Seriously - how did she even know you’d give her a gift? Oh, sure, I’d give a gift to a coworker that got married, but unless they were really a close friend, it’s be a pooled gift.

I agree with everyone else, including and especially the part about them trying to save money.

13

Monstro, want to learn how to feel grown up and in charge? Don’t even consider making up and excuse or a lie.

Ask to talk to Wilma when Betty is not around. Ask her to keep everything confidential. Let her know that you enjoy being pals with her the times that you’ve been with her and that she makes working there more fun. (Everything’s the truth so far, right?)

Remind her that you tend to be more reserved around others, including Betty, and that you don’t feel comfortable around people that you don’t know. Tell her that you choose not to attend the wedding. If you want to apologize for changing your mind, you can. But it’s okay to change your mind, Monstro.

If you want to giver her a reason, you can. But you don’t have to. This might be a good time to let her know that you already have something else in mind for her for a wedding present.

Try to end on a friendly note. Make her laugh or something. (Tell her you really have to play at a funeral that day.) :eek:

Just please tell the truth. There is nothing wrong with your honest feelings.

Now,

I can’t believe you play the viola! I love stringed instruments! Just can’t play them. I’m a keyboard person.

14

My dad is a good singer. Big operatic tenor, used to perform pretty often when he was younger and could still hit the high notes. The sound of his voice booming through the house was a fixture of my childhood. (Usually it was Gilbert and Sullivan or some other popular hit of the 1800s.)

One year we attended a major family reunion. At one point, I remember everyone was eating dinner outdoors under a big tent, and there was some giving of toasts and speeches going on, and somebody asked him if he would get up and sing.

“I am not a trained seal,” said Dad.

15

I’ve played the piano and organ since I was 9. I was our church organist on Sundays from the time I was 13. I never had to babysit or flip burgers as a teen—my pocket money came from playing for weddings as soon as I could drive. I can’t tell you how many people have asked me to play for their wedding. I say I wouldn’t feel right just showing up and playing. That I don’t hire myself out to do wedding anymore–I’ve missed being a guest too many times.
Honestly, playing for a wedding for free is a pretty pricey gift. Did these people believe I was going to buy them a 400 dollar present? I played for my cousins’ and my nephew’s weddings and I spent hours in conference with the brides as to what style of music they imagined, any special song that I had to buy sheet music for and practice and rehearsals.
Monstro, you can take this opportunity to be a better friend if you feel these people are worth that effort, but it doesn’t seem like they are being the kinds of friends that desrve that effort. Whe the invitation arrives, RSVP that you will be unable to attend, but thank you very much for the invitation.

16

Wow.

I am one of those people who loves making friends at work, and even I think that insisting someone come play the viola at a wedding in another state is bordering on the insane. That person would have to be a really good friend outside work for a good while before I’d even consider that.

Heck, I know a professionalish singer or two, and I’d never ask them to perform at my wedding. I’d ask them to come and enjoy themselves instead. Music is fun, but music is also work. I’ve been to musicians’ parties and they DO sing and play, but it was less like a performance and more like a non-electronic game of Rock Band. :wink:

I think some people have the notion that it can’t be REAL work if it’s fun to watch.

17

My viola on a plane? Geddafuckouttahere!

18

A woman I know was a photographer. She said you should always charge top dollar for your work. Her thinking was that people love to complain. If you don’t charge, they’ll complain about the quality of the work. If you charge a lot, they’ll complain about your fee. The former makes you a talentless hack. The latter makes you a professional.

It would be fun to approach them with an itemized bill, including your performing fee, airfare, meals, etc.

19

All it really takes besides Zoe’s words of wisdom, is to inform them that you play naked.

20

Where in Michigan, she asks.