It would have been presumptuous if she were getting married in your town because of the way she asked - “Instead of buying me a present, could you do that for me?” You should never assume you’re getting a present from anybody.
To ask you to go to MICHIGAN puts it right beyond the pale and into gobsmack territory.
ETA - if she wanted to ask PROPERLY, she should have asked how much you’re accustomed to being paid for playing at weddings and left it up to you if you wanted to say, “Oh, for you? Nothing.”
monstro, don’t worry about making up an excuse right now. In a few months time she’ll have forgotten the conversation happened. When she brings it up closer to the time of the thing, maybe say “Oh yeah, about your wedding…can’t make it. Here’s a nice pretty bowl, though!” It won’t be a big deal.
Your co-workers aren’t very smart when it comes to social interactions. This was abundantly clear when they kept interrogating you about your weight loss a few months ago. I don’t know what’s in the water where you live, but perhaps you need to look into it.
Well, I’m not either. I have a feeling if I were a more self-actualized person, I wouldn’t constantly find myself in binds like this. I’d be able to say, “Look, girl. I love you to death but I wasn’t planning on going to your wedding. Not unless you were planning on flying me out there! LOL!” If I had some sense, I wouldn’t care so much about hurting her feelings or how badly I look. I wouldn’t have to solicit advice from you wonderful folks.
I’m just always confused. I’m quite envious of people who don’t have friends at work. I’d love to be able to come in, sit down at my computer, not have to listen to or contribute to mindless chatter, and not put on the false persona of someone who cares about things other than statistics (or whatever other obsession I’ve got going on). It would make my life so much easier to not interact with people. But however much I desire to be like this, I can’t stop putting up this front of niceness and socialibility that makes me attract people. It’s a defense mechanism. If I can keep people smiling and laughing, I can keep them distracted and they won’t ask personal questions or try to get to know me. People will think I’m relatively normal. It works well until it backfires. Folks eventually discover that I’m rather indifferent to them and their lives, that my charm is only a clever parlor trick to hide a cold heart, and their feelings get badly hurt. And then my feelings get hurt because I realize they are perfectly justified in feeling betrayed and bamboozled. But do I ever learn anything? No. I just pack up my things and move to another part of the country (ok, this is an exaggeration, but I have been reluctant to settle down anywhere).
So yes, Karyn. I’m probably overthinking and making a mountain out of a molehill. But this is such a pattern for me (people colliding into my boundaries and freaking me out) that I feel like I’m the one who has problems.
I have a lot of respect for Zoe and certainly her approach is fine, but I sort of feel honesty is a gift, and someone that doesn’t think that much of your time and preferences certain doesn’t deserve the effort it takes to come clean. YMMV, of course.
The excuse/lie makes it easier for you and you should feel perfectly fine using it in a situation like this, IMO. And I don’t see how you being amiable and likable at work makes it your fault that some people are pushy, rude, and presumptive.
Friend or associate at work does not equal best buddy. I have great interactions with many people in my department, from students to administrators to other faculty. But I don’t have a outside of work relationship with most of those people, and that’s perfectly fine. In other words, you don’t sound that different than me, or any number of folks I could name.
Unless this woman is a surrogate mother carrying your unborn child that was a pretty insane request. And I don’t mean “insane” in an off handed and flippant fashion I mean “Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs” nuts.
It reminds me how presumptuous some “getting married” people can be. There was a friend of mine who I offered to loan my (then) spare car to her daughter and new groom for 2 days. The groom assumed I would/should be giving them use d of the car for the entire 2-3 week honeymoon. (I had met him once). I corrected that supposition fairly quickly.,
I was very similar to you in a lot of ways at work. Not that they weren’t nice people but I really didn’t care about the details of their personal lives or feel any need to tell them about mine. At one point in my life I had a very public job and after that I was very determined to keep a clear boundary between my personal and professional lives. I don’t think that I’m a cold hearted person - I care a lot about the people that I choose to have in my life but work acquaintances just don’t reach that level of importance to me. I didn’t want to socialize after work - I just wanted to go back to my life. To some extent you have to put on a more social face once you reach a management level and show up at the stupid potlucks and pretend to have fun. I just don’t think about it too much anymore because I’m older than you and have long ago accepted that it’s OK not to meet everyone else’s expectations of how you should feel or behave.
Sounds like someone wants to cut costs for her wedding, and she went about it the wrong way. I’d beg off on both the performance and the wedding. Her request was inappropriate.
My sister sang at her best friend’s wedding. A casual friend can be invited to *attend *the wedding but not asked to perform.
This is precisely what I was going to say. I’ll sing for free for family, and close friends. Work friends? If they asked me to sing at their wedding as “a gift”, I’d say “sure, I’ll give you a discount.” For free? Forget it. (Of course, I work with musicians, and no one would actually ask this.)
My line is “I’m not a trained monkey”, but other than that, this is precisely my reaction. My wife gets this too. She’s the vocal music teacher at her middle school, so naturally she always wants to sing at functions, right? Her response?
“Why doesn’t the science teacher do an experiment for us?”
Has the science teacher ever done that? That would be cool!
Another vote for don’t do it, and don’t feel bad about not doing it.
In general, I’m not a fan of lying, so I think I’d say something like “I thought it over, and I just can’t afford to make the trip, sorry,” and leave it at that. If she comes back and says she’ll pay for the trip – which she won’t – say “nah, it will probably be a lot cheaper for you to find a local musician.”
Zoe’s response is spot on if you want to learn how to be more honest in your responses to your extremely inconsiderate co-workers. Depending on your delivery, though, you do run the risk of causing strife in the workplace. Not all of us could pull it off without making an enemy along the way. If you’re not confident that your tone could be interpreted only as respectful and honest, then I’d try some of the other imaginary Big Family Events suggested upthread.
you with the face’s advice, not so much. Brides can be lunatics. In your co-worker’s defense, it takes a long time to find vendors so don’t wait a few months. I’m confident that in her mind, it’s a done deal and she will not have forgotten one syllable that was said.
I’m not a musician myself, but I know a few, and have two good friends who are very talented singers. I’ve often heard of this kind of “Oh, you can sing at my wedding!” thing happening. I don’t think it has anything to do with you personally monstro, it’s just that some people think it’s okay to impose upon casual friends and acquaintances when it comes to their wedding plans…especially when they find out how much it would cost to PAY a musician.
I already told her I wouldn’t be playing for her. I might be a pushover, but I’m not that much of a pushover! The thing is, I haven’t even picked up my viola in almost a year. So it’s not like I’m anything close to being a professional.
I agree with this and I’m a bit baffled by all the people suggesting she make something up.
You don’t even need a long, deep “relationship” discussion. You already have a perfectly valid, perfectly legitimate, and perfectly polite reason for not going. “I’m sorry, I can’t afford the travel and hotel all they way out to Michigan. I hope you have a lovely time.” (Whether you mean “can’t afford” in terms of money, time, or personal energy, you don’t need to clarify.)
If, for some bizarro reason, she offers to help defray the cost (not likely), you can just say “Oh, no thank you. I couldn’t possibly impose like that.” Repeat as needed.
There’s absolutely no reason to be dishonest about any of this. Selective, certainly, but you don’t need to lie.
monstro, I’m not sure why you move on to another city once they find out how “coldhearted” you are. Care to explain? BTW, I have in my possession something that makes me think that you are not altogether cold-hearted.
Is it possible that you don’t want to hurt their feelings because you know how that feels?
