So begins my second review of Teemings, the website that Cecil Adams believes in so much that he invested all his money into a free Yahoo-Geocities website.
The second issue of Teemings begins with an unfortunate and pitiful diatribe by SD Moderator David Bloomberg aimed at Yours Truly. In it, he uses lyrics to some stupid Al Yankovic song to make a point about SDMB trolls. The problem is, David used about 14 paragraphs to make this simple connection. And this guy purports to be an editor?
In it he refers to “the king of trolls is still he-who-shall-not-be-named“, which I will personally take as a compliment, even though I consider myself a satirist, and not a troll, but semantics, semantics.
He goes on: “On the message board, trolls can get in the way of a good discussion“. What David forgets to point out is that whenever I post, the amount of hits on Straight Dope.com triples from 15 to 45. Unfortunately, when OTHER readers jump on the thread and ruin it with their dopey comments, that number goes way down to it‘s former, subterranean level.
By this point in David’s tome, you would think he would have been done ripping me mercilessly and had made his point. But then he lowers the bar with this blue light special:
“…last issue we rejected an article that might have been considered a trollish post had it been left on the message board.”
What Dave is referring to is a well thought out, well researched and fact based article, not a troll post. The reason David refers to it as “trollish post” is probably because he had a different point of view than mine. Or, perhaps, he feared that my article would far outshine those of some of his internet buddies who also submitted. I don’t know what David’s REAL motivations are. Only he can answer that for us.
“In response, the author got very annoyed and started a BBQ Pit thread about it on the SDMB.” Who said I was annoyed? When my great article was rejected, I simply expected that it was pushed aside for even more brilliant pieces. I was simply expressing my disspointment that this was not the case in the first Teemings.
“Alas, he acted like a troll there as well.” All I did was post my point of view on the situation. It was when other Dopers jumped on my thread and attacked me PERSONALLY that I was forced to fight back.
“We won’t publish articles that make claims the author cannot back up. It’s just that simple.”
All right, I’ve heard enough. Now it’s MY turn.
In my submission, I pointed out that I think DUI laws in this country are repressive and unfair. In it, I presented research findings from universities, law enforcement, and even quotes from a former President of MADD. Apparently, that was not good enough. What happened is that David disagreed with my point of view, or he had another darker, hidden agenda, so he did not publish the article in Teemings. I don’t have a problem with that. But don’t tell me I couldn’t back my article up. That’s simply false.
By the way, out of the goodness of my heart, because it is Christmas, I was even going to give ALL of you a special TREAT, and actually post that article on the SDMB this Christmas Eve! But because of these comments, I’m pulling the article again. You can thank David for ruining your Christmas.
Now on to Teemings 2. What I did was read each article, or try to. Frankly, the ones in which I lost total interest in after the first 2 sentences, I did not finish out of boredom. Then, I rated each article from 1 to 5 stars, with 5 being the best of course.
Now, since it IS that time of the year, and I am SUCH a nice guy, to be a good fellow the lowest rating I gave out is 2 1/2 stars. Trust me, with some of these I was being generous. And, to make 5 stars, keep in mind that what was written had to as good as my Drunk Driving article. Here we go:
PRISONERS OF CONSCIENCE by Arnold Winkleried.
This was the best of the bunch. At first, when I saw “Amnesty International;”, I was like “What is this shit? About stopping some retarded kid from being executed in Texas?” But I read on. The article is about torture, police beatings and death squads in Brazil. COOL! Tell me more! (5 STARS)
FANTASIA by Chef Troy
This is a really good memoir of the experience of watching a Walt Disney movie. Trouble is, it’s about the experience of watching a Walt Disney movie. (3 1/2 STARS)
WHY I HATE BEING SINGLE AT CHRISTMAS by Twist of Fate
The title made me think this was going to a be a long, witty tale by some loser about of bad relationships during the holidays. Unfortunately, it was too short. Dude, stop your whining! At least you can still get laid by hot single chicks! (2 1/2 STARS)
SOMEONE UP THERE LIKES ME by KK Battousai
“Aliens took my testicles”. Hey, at least your still better off than Fox Mulder. (2 1/2 STARS)
IN THE PARK by Vile Orb
Well written detail, but too much detail for me. A good effort. (3 STARS)
SUMMER STORM by Pepperlandgirl
Now, this was really, really good. I hate fiction, but I have to admit this held my attention and made me wonder what was going to happen next. Good stuff. (5 STARS)
MR. TAMBOURINE MAN by Reservoir Dog
I can tell by his writing Dog is a brilliant guy. But apparently he is more brilliant than I am, and I could not follow where he was going with this. Then again, when Bob Dylan wrote the original song, he was probably so stoned HE didn’t know where he was going either. (2 1/2 STARS)
REAL JOBS 101 by Shay 519
This was actually a great premise, and I wanted it to go longer. Some of you may find this hard to believe, but I am actually developing a course on Machiavellian Management 101. (3 STARS)
BEDTIME STORIES FOR OTHER PEOPLE’S CHILDREN by JB Farley
JB conspires to humor us with some funny anecdotes about his life experiences. OK I guess. The Swiss cheese story is a good one. (3 STARS)
CONAN HORNBLOWER by Carnivourous Plant
Shiver me timbers! It’s an attempt at literature metaphor using pirates. For literophiles strictly. (2 1/2 STARS)
DIARY OF A FIELD TRIP FIASCO by Ruffian
I couldn’t finish it, which had nothing to do with the writing. Fructose, anyone?
(3 1/2 STARS)
I WENT TO THE DOCTOR TODAY by Aha
Somewhat amusing tale of waiting room horror. We’ve all been there. (3 STARS)
ADVENTURE, TERROR IN RETROGRADE by Cat Biker
Forget ER. This is the real thing. My leg hurts just thinking about this one. Nevertheless, still safer than riding a Razor Scooter. (4 STARS)
MEDEVEIL IRONY by Democritus
This poem is giving me nightmares already. Might make a good Insane Clown Posse rap song. (4 1/2 STARS)
THE END OF OUR WORLD by Speaker for the Dead
Is this Christmas or Halloween? God, poets are tortured souls. This poem will want to make you want to invest in Prozac and St, John’s Wort. (4 STARS)
THE NATURE AND CAUSES OF AMERICA’S VIRTUOUS by Gadarene
An interesting commentary on capitalisism and the angst of the American Dream. I think. (3 1/2 STARS)
