You ate a baby. But hey, you're one of us. GIMME HUG AND STAY STRONG GIRL.

The BBQ Pit
1

So there’s a guy. Or maybe he is a she. And not in that way, just the traditional non-surgical way but your situation is different. Hell, maybe your she was a he. In any case, you have relationship issues. So you come onto the Internet to impart them and seek advice (as you do). All is well and merry until:

What’s with this solidarity shit? You’re not on Oprah, okay? Not going for ratings here, people. There is no need to get all teary and slap each other on the back when some whiny bitch crawls out of the earth and sobs “Boo hoo for relationships. Wah zee dah, I am alone and unloved.” I’ve got some Hemingway style prose for you: “She died alone, in the mud. With broken legs”. Yeah, do you feel happy now? No? You shouldn’t. Just like these misguided lame-oes who come along and see “SINGLE AND HATING MY SHITTY LIFE” paraphrased all saccharine and say “Hey girl, you stay strong sistah we doin’ it for ourselves and it doesn’t matter you’re neurotic and probably contributed to the breakdown of the relationship TWICE as much as that other guy, we’ll call him the schmuck. Let’s rally around YOU because you had the gall to complain about it on the 'net. HURRAH” shouldn’t do that. In case that 159 word sentence didn’t clue you in, I’m back to non-Hemingway prose now, and much the worse for wear.

Now, as a vandalising anti-social punk I’m not too high on life and a 'sense of community", but I can see the need for one. But this crosses the line of community love-ins, it’s like Nazi sympathising but for the emotionally stunted. “OMG DUMP THAT ZERO AND GET YOURSELF A HERO, YOU DESERVE ONE O BEAUTIFUL SNOWFLAKE LOOKING THING”
MY BIG FAT GREEK DISCLAIMER:

Nobody should take this personal. Like that one gay bus driver, it sucks when people take one of my inflammatory messages and act like I pissed on their mother’s grave. So any people thinking “Hey, he means me”, yeah I do. But it’s not JUST you, so don’t go feeling all warm inside and then develop a stalker complex for me, you crazy slut. OMG HE WAITED FIVE WEEKS AND THEN CALLED AND I COULDN’T GET HIM OUT OF MY MIND I’M SO CONFUSED MY CUNT SAYS YES BUT MY PEANUT BRAIN SAYS NO.

Optional: failing a rational discussion about the similarity between the good old boy system and the SDMB community (i.e. you’re one of us (member/rich plantation owner), so in any “incident” we will jeer and place blame on the non-SDMB party (ex-boyfriend/them uppity niggers) we can all just laugh at how life is really stupid.

Post Script: I’m not directly comparing any SDMB member with a 19th Century slaveowner. Except Manhattan. Think about it: never exiting his airconditioned ranch where he sips on an iced lemonade except to hand out the whipping of some guy until his welts have welts. Yeah. See if you can sleep easy knowing that.

Posty McPostscript: I have nothing against Charles Q. “Doc” Manhattan.
NEWS JUST IN: Nobody gives a FLYING FUCK AT A DOUGHNUT APPROACHING THE EVENT HORIZON that if you weren’t married to five Mormon sex slave women and the other poster wasn’t a grandmother of twenty-eight alien pod creatures then you’d run off and elope, get hitched in Vegas on the way to the border or just have a general depraved orgy. Seriously. SHUT UP.

2

Wow. I think you’ve achieved a personal best for incoherence. I must admit that your bondage fantasy about Manhattan sounds most provocative.

Who knew you had such a powerfully homoerotic desire to submit to Manny’s strict leather discipline?

As far as one can interpret your ravings, you seem to object to Dopers ofering moral and emotional support to one another on relationship issues. Well, snookums, once you grow up out of your emotional immaturity, you, too, might be able to deal with the complications of sharing your life with another person.

But I wouldn’t bet the ranch on it, since you strike me as being too much of a loser to ever get literally or figuratively naked in front of a lover.

3

I am so confused. Is this in response to any particular thread? A group of threads lately? A particular poster that has ruffled your feathers? Or has someone had too much caffeine this morning?

4

I think what I managed to get out of it was that the one who presents his/her side on the net is automatically seen as correct and sympathized with, while the object of the rant is automatically vilified. If that’s the case, I think the OP has been reading a different BBQ Pit/MPSIMS than I have.

Just off the top of my head, I know that (not picking on her, just pulling this example out because it’s the most recent) birdgirl was told this week after her rants about two men mistreating her that she needs to really get over guy #1, leave guy #2 alone and not think about dating him because she’s quite possibly scared him off if he thinks she has baggage from guy #1, and consider therapy to help with the whole process.

It’s not uncommon to see rants turned against their ranters - on the non-relationship side (and also just posted), Gazelle just had a number of people telling her that she was silly calling about refinancing a mortgage if she didn’t know how much she had to pay. That’s just a couple of examples.

Of course, that assumes I interpreted the OP correctly. Perhaps “non-Hemingway prose” wasn’t the best choice.

5

SCORE! Are you the generous Swedish judge, handing me a 10 out of 10, or the bitchy Romanian judge, giving me a harsh 7 out of 10?

So out of us two, which one’s gay? You? Yeah, that’s right. Kindly stop projecting your crazy weekend antics onto my innocent personality.

[quote]
…seem to object to Dopers ofering moral and emotional support to one another on relationship issues. /

[quote]

No, not at all. But I do when it’s gets to the point that people are willing to overlook and verily ignore the faults of the poster to make them feel better. Wouldn’t it be better to try and make them acknowledge they screwed up by being clingy or irritating (or whatever happened) so they can correct this fault and have happier future relationships rather than implying that such behaviour is okay?

If you can adapt this stereotype of the swishy effeminiate gay (with a name incorporating the term “bear” even) can I appropriate the stereotype of the insensitive asshole and say simply “shut up fag” sans both punctuation and tact?
on preview: Is your name Ben? Cause I have this overwhelming urge to go HURRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRr. So I can’t fucking write. Preach it from the treetops, brother. You fight that power and it’s associated evils.

6

Aren’t you the same clown who started a thread bashing some little girl for raising money to buy a police dog?
Haven’t you been banned yet?

7

Hey, you’re the one writing about visualizing Manhattan “whipping some guy until his welts have welts.”

“Shut up, fag”? You’ll make Dorothy Parker go green with envy when you invent such dazzlingly witty retorts.

8

What in the name of all that is sweet and meaty is this crap?

9

Wow…the hate seems to be up and about early this morning. :frowning:

10

Seeing as how I have an uncanny knack for shit Pit threads, I want to bring up something I saw on late night TV.

The advert for adultmatchmaker was simple, subtle even. It had friendly photos of smiling girls, friendly non-threatening guys. Surprisingly, they were all cute, which poses the question “Why do they need a chatline to score?”.

Then the advert for gaymatchmaker comes on. Let me tell you, I nearly shit. “HEY GUYS: BEARS, TWINKS, YOUNG’UNS, DADDIES, SUBS, CHUBS, WE’VE GOT 'EM ALL”. Each accompanied with a CARTOON PICTURE. That’s fucking off. I can’t even comprehend that shit. The funniest part was where the tuxedo-wearing, monocled “daddy” came on, there was that cash-register KACHING sound. Fucked up, man.

PREVIEW: The same whiny slut who thought “If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me” was hilarious? Okay, you’re a gossiping snipe. Well done. The pinnacle of wit award shall be presented to you shortly.

Also: Girl + dog. Hell no. Someone else.

11

And here I thought is was a rant about some recent articles in the Sun or something.

If nothing else, j_kat will very likely delight in having given me a headache.

12

Oops, you are right. that was js_africanus. My mistake.
You’re still a putz tho.

13

This OP barks.

14

Wow. It’s like someone decided to post any old shit that came to mind without thinking about it at all.

A Stream of Unconsciousness Pit Thread.

15

Sounds like you have some deep, unresolved issues about your sexuality, or you wouldn’t pay so much attention to an advert that putatively has no interest for you, a self-proclaimed heterosexual. And where do you live that TV advertises gay matchmaking services?

Moreover, who is the “whiny slut” and “gossiping snipe” to whom you refer? I know it’s not me, since I don’t think I’ve ever used the Alice Longworth Roosevelt quote. If you refer to Aries28, I’m afraid I’m going to have to tell you to back right off, you freak. Since Sauron is her husband, it’s his job to flame you into ashes first, but I claim second place to defend Aries28’s honor.

16

That wasn’t Dorothy Parker. That quote’s attributed to Alice Roosevelt Longworth.

17

Oh NOW I remember why I remember you! You are the “Ya fucking Freak” guy from this thread…

http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?s=&threadid=194617
Aren’t you banned yet?

18

By the way, it’s “shut up fag”, not “shut up, fag”. The lack of punctuation is vital to the **subtle and cutting **wit of the joke.
I thought I’d include a picture of me with this post. Here it is:

:cool: See? I’m fuckin’ cool, baby.
And here’s me :smiley: envisioning everyone else :mad: AND/OR :confused:
This is gobear: :o, clearly getting ready for some action.

And here is a Guinistasia impersonation :rolleyes:

What the fuck is a putz anyway? Sounds like a small, hard candy.

And… it barks? Just what the fuck does that mean? Are you implying I’m a dog? If so, why? Can I rescind my dog-like status any time soon? Although it would be great to be, although equally as dumb as present, more loyal than I currently am.

ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?

To increase your enjoyment, please see Appendix A: Fuck You With Razors.

19

Ah, so you were dissing Dorothy Parker and not Aries28. My error.

20

I think the nutcase just got his sources mixed up on Dorothy Parker and Ms. Roosevelt. I can’t imagine why he would have any venom aimed at me since I’ve never had any dealings with him and this is the first post of his I can ever remember reading.

But, I thank you ** gobear ** for gallantly coming to my defense. :wink:

Now…back to the OP… yawn Bored now.