You tell me, was I wrong? (neighbor related)

In My Humble Opinion
1

As many of you know, my wife is in her 9th month of pregnancy (due this week, in fact). As such, she has trouble sleeping at any time because she’s uncomfortable, so when she can, she’ll nap. She was napping (I thought) this evening. Shortly after going in to nap, she came out of our room. “Someone’s playing a guitar outside, and I can’t sleep” she grumbled. I went outside to check, and our neighbor was playing a guitar on his porch.

Now, we’ve always had a good relationship with this neighbor. He’s a bachelor who doesn’t really cook much, and we’ve had him over for dinner several times. He’s been having truck problems lately, and 3 or 4 times Ginger or I have been happy to give him a ride to or from the dealership where they’re fixing the problem. I helped him wrestle an old, unused 250 gallon oil tank out of his basement along with several other neighbors. He helped me carry a huge old A/C unit downstairs and out to the trash before, and helped me fix my old truck. We’ve talked a lot across the fence, IYKWIM. Neighbors. Y’know?

So anyway, our conversation goes about like this:

“Hey, I wanted to ask you a favor. Gingey’s been having trouble sleeping and she’s trying to nap, but she can’t because of your guitar…”

“Maybe she should have that baby already” (with a hint of hostility, I think)

“Believe me she’d like nothing better, she’s due this week, but you can’t make the baby come, y’know. Anyway…”

“It’s been pretty quiet over here, hasn’t it?” (A reference to his tenants who had previously made a lot of noise, but haven’t lately.)

“Yes, it sure has, and we appreciate it, but…”

“I won’t play at 10:00, what time is it now?”

“It’s 7:00, and there’s nothing wrong with your playing your guitar, it’s just…”

“It’s a nice night and I feel like playing my guitar. You can’t tell me not to”

“I’m not telling you to do anything, I was only making a request, as a neighbor”

Now, at no point was I confrontational or angry, I spoke in conversational tones the entire time. I was asking him a favor, and I knew it. I was also done. I went inside. Gingy was at her 'puter now, and she told me in a tired voice “You shouldn’t have said anything, I can’t go back to sleep now”.

Hmmm. Well, I had asked the neighbor to put himself out for us, and now it wasn’t needed. I went back over and knocked on his door (he had gone inside). He answered.

“Listen, I just wanted to let you know 2 things. #1, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you were doing. I was asking a favor of you”

grunt

“#2, Gingy really isn’t able to sleep at all, so I am sorry I bothered you. It was my mistake. Thanks for stopping but please, play your guitar all you want, it won’t bother us.”

“I lost the mood” With that he swings the door shut (not slams, just swings) in my face.

Well fuck you too, buddy. Still, this whole thing left me with the feeling that I had been completely unreasonable, and I don’t see how. What do y’all think?

2

No. He’s a moron. OK, he got pissed off about being asked to be quiet - but he was quiet. You admitted you were wrong, and had the balls to apologise, when you could very easily have said nothing.

Give him time, maybe his testosterone will degrade, or something.

3

You’ve got a wife in her 9th month of pregnancy. You did what you could. I think you handled a tricky situation as diplomatically as you could have. At 7pm people should be allowed to make a little noise in their own homes if they want, but there are some extenuating circumstances that I think we should all understand. Had you been my neighbor I hope I would have handled your request with more class and humor.

But I’d cut the neighbor some slack for no other reason than because he’s your neighbor. You offended him but it wasn’t intentional. Tomorrow night he might re-think the whole thing and offer you a beer. Or maybe not.

Of course, you may regret your complaints about the noise in a few months when WeeWierd is caterwauling at 3 in the morning. :slight_smile:

Good luck to you. We want pictures!

4

Actually, I should have explicitly added that to my post. No matter what happens, when it’s a neighbour, be prepared to forget all about it for the sake of future cordial relations.

5

Well, your neighbor is a dick. It sounds like he started off in a pissy mood, and you walked into it. Having been the male half of a pregnancy, I’m going to guess that you may not have been as neutral as you thought you were, but he’s still a dick.

Best suggestion I can offer is to forget it. I mean really forget it, not decide to ignore it for a while and then maybe bring it up late. You have far, far better things to deal with.

And congratulations, by the way, and best wishes for a short, uneventful labor and a happy, healthy baby.

6

I suspect that it hurt his feelings, but I bet he forgets about it soon enough. I don’t think there was anything wrong with your request, and I think his response was pretty immature. Maybe his dad worked nights and wouldn’t let him play when he was growing up :slight_smile: only half-kidding, though…

7

I have vivid memories of what it’s like to be in the ninth month of pregnancy, and people really need to cut women some slack when they’re at that point. You were just being a good husband, and he could have been a much better neighbor, especially considering your history with him. Maybe someday he’ll have a wife or girlfriend in the same situation, and then he’ll understand. Until then, you’ll just have to be satisfied knowing you tried your best to make your wife comfortable.

Good luck with the birth (and may it be soon)!

8

Neither of you was wrong. You were just trying to make your wife’s life a little easier, and he was just trying to enjoy a beautiful late autumn night.

I’d cut the guy some slack, frankly. Yes, you have extenuating circumstances, but everybody has extenuating circumstances. They’ve had a long day. They’re PMSing. They had a fight with a friend or relative. They just needed some stress relief.

From your point of view, you made a perfectly reasonable request and he got pissy. From his point of view, though, you came over when he was doing something perfectly reasonable at a perfectly reasonable hour and essentially asked him to cease and desist enjoying what may very well be the last pretty night you have before winter sets in, all because you decided to go and have a kid. And then, when he quit, you came back over and said, “Oh, never mind, it’s okay for you to go back to enjoying your evening.”

Apologize for interupting his evening, and then let it drop. You don’t want to get into a pissing contest with this guy over this issue. For one thing, it’s really hard to ask someone to be quieter without sounding like you’re accusing them of acting inappropriately, so odds are decent you weren’t as neutral as you thought. For a second thing, you’re going to be living near and interacting with him for a long time to come, and it would behoove you to keep the peace. Finally, you’re about to bring home a baby, and they’re not always the quietest critters. Cultivating some tolerance about noise among the neighbors might be a very, very good thing, especially if you get a screamer.

9

What raises an alarm for me is his first response:

It sounds like there is another issue at play here. Is there something else that could be bothering him? That’s an odd thing to say to a casual neighbor.

I also hope the best for both of you, your family and your new arrival. May eveything go well and enjoy the years you have in front of you.

Our youngest turned 17 today, and it seems like just yesterday he was pounding holes in the walls of his room with a hammer. Oh wait, that was yesterday…

10

I don’t think you did anything wrong. It may have gone a little better if you had front-loaded the conversation with disclaimers (You: "wow. It sure is a beautiful evening; great night to be out on the porch playing the guitar. But, at the risk of sounding offensive, I wonder if you could do me a great big favor. . .). Still, though, if the guy was already in a pissy mood, it probably wouldn’t have helped. Also, you put him in a rather untenable position. He had two choices: One, comply with your request even though he was not acting unreasonably by being outside with his guitar; Two, refuse to stop playing and look like an ass.

Again, I’m not saying you did anything wrong! You were trying to look out for your wife, first and foremost, and she’s a lucky, lucky woman to have a husband that will do that (so many men wouldn’t have bothered). But some people just get defensive when when they’re put in the kind of position your neighbor was put in. Also, he might just be the kind of guy that, no matter how many good turns you do him, he’s not willing to reciprocate. Does that make him an asshole? Probably. But there’s not much you can do about it.

Good luck with the labor, delivery, and return home with a happy, healthy, beautiful baby!

11

cut the guy some slack, after all he’s not the one having a baby. But you sounded like a cool guy to me as well. What I mean is that I certainly wouldn’t hold it aginst him.

Good luck with the family and delivery!!!

(China wife has an enormous tunny with 3 months left to go on a set of twins)

12

He’s already been there. He’s 50ish and has three children and several grandchildren. Plus, he’s got some tenants, the female of whom is around 7-8 months pregnant.

Thank you! Now would be good. Okay, maybe now. Now?

13

I guess he didn’t get the memo that the world revolves around pregnant women.

Make sure he gets the one that says you are now free to be a total dick(*) because you have a newborn.

(*) You now have the right to break any engagement at the last minute without showing up. You now have the right to leave any gathering at any time you want because of the baby, no matter who might have changed their plans for you. You now have the right to ask others to be quiet when your baby is sleeping and be tolerant of screaming while your baby is awake. You now have the right to end any conversation in the middle without a word of apology because your baby just had a hiccup which was either the cutest thing in the history of the world or a sign that your baby is choking to death.

14

I think his reaction would be better gauged on how many such favors he’s been asked before this and how much talk about the new baby coming he’s heard. He’s been there, done that from what you’ve described and probably sees it from a more jaded perspective. It sounds like you asked nicely enough, but I’m not sure that asking him in the first place was really reasonable. (I have given birth to three kids, and know how focused on your own/baby’s needs you can get. I think it’s a natural, protective instinct and it’s difficult to see past it when you’re in the middle of it.) Sounds like he didn’t react too strongly either, so probably things will smooth out and it will be just a slight bump in the neighborly road.

15

We don’t think the world revolves around us, but thanks for the assumption! Tell you what - you sleep for 2-3 hours a night TOTAL for a month and see how you like it when your napping is interrupted by shitty guitar playing about ten feet away from your head, okay?

16

Perhaps not, but he definitely got the memo that says being neighbors with someone entitles you to ask for transportation, help lugging heavy things out of the house and other random favors. It’s a two-way street. Dave and Gingy have done favors for this guy, because they’re neighbors. Now, they’re asking him to do them a favor. Doesn’t really sound like a situation where either of them thinks the world revolves around them because they are expecting.

17

I am sorry that you are constantly being inconvenienced by babies. What does that have to do with me again?

18

I have to admit, I would be a tad annoyed if an unknown neighbor walked up out of the blue and asked me to quiet down for his pregnant wife - but not for a neighbor I knew, and who I’d worked with.

Either way, Weirddave, you asked very civilly and politely, and he was unjustified in being so irritated. Good luck to wifey.

19

You did nothing wrong. It was a reasonable thing to ask, especially since you presented it as asking for a favor, not telling him he was doing anything wrong.

It sounds to me like the guy was in a horrible mood for some reason. He probably feels like the worlds biggest tool right about now. His history as a good neighbor suggests that this was just an anomaly. I hope he apologizes.
And I also wanted to tell you both how happy and excited I am for you! It’s just so cool that you found such a great match through these li’l boards, and I’m so glad that you’re adding to your family. You’re going to be terrific parents. I can’t wait to see pictures, and hopefully meet the little one soon.

20

You could start by realizing that playing a little guitar at 7:00 at night is perfectly reasonable.

Then, if you weren’t so wrapped up in “baby mindset” you might realize that you put your neighbor in the unenviable position of being the bad guy after you dropped the “pregnant wife” on him.

Who cares if you asked nicely? You put him in a no-win situation.

If course he lost the mood. He was enjoying a nice day playing his guitar outside and you told him he’s disturbing a women who is 9 months pregnant. How can he go back to playing after that?

What it has to do with you is that if you don’t see this now, you might take heed before the little bundle of joy comes along. If you’re playing the passive-aggressive baby card already, what are you going to do when he actually gets here?