You tell me, was I wrong? (neighbor related)

[ouryL]

@Weirddave

As many of you know, my wife is in her 9th month of pregnancy (due this week, in fact). As such, she has trouble sleeping at any time because she’s uncomfortable, so when she can, she’ll nap. She was napping (I thought) this evening. Shortly after going in to nap, she came out of our room. “Someone’s playing a guitar outside, and I can’t sleep” she grumbled. I went outside to check, and our neighbor was playing a guitar on his porch.

Now, we’ve always had a good relationship with this neighbor. He’s a bachelor who doesn’t really cook much, and we’ve had him over for dinner several times. He’s been having truck problems lately, and 3 or 4 times Ginger or I have been happy to give him a ride to or from the dealership where they’re fixing the problem. I helped him wrestle an old, unused 250 gallon oil tank out of his basement along with several other neighbors. He helped me carry a huge old A/C unit downstairs and out to the trash before, and helped me fix my old truck. We’ve talked a lot across the fence, IYKWIM. Neighbors. Y’know?

So anyway, our conversation goes about like this:

“Hey, I wanted to ask you a favor. Gingey’s been having trouble sleeping and she’s trying to nap, but she can’t because of your guitar…”

“Maybe she should have that baby already” (with a hint of hostility, I think)

“Believe me she’d like nothing better, she’s due this week, but you can’t make the baby come, y’know. Anyway…”

“It’s been pretty quiet over here, hasn’t it?” (A reference to his tenants who had previously made a lot of noise, but haven’t lately.)

“Yes, it sure has, and we appreciate it, but…”

“I won’t play at 10:00, what time is it now?”

“It’s 7:00, and there’s nothing wrong with your playing your guitar, it’s just…”

“It’s a nice night and I feel like playing my guitar. You can’t tell me not to”

“I’m not telling you to do anything, I was only making a request, as a neighbor”

Now, at no point was I confrontational or angry, I spoke in conversational tones the entire time. I was asking him a favor, and I knew it. I was also done. I went inside. Gingy was at her 'puter now, and she told me in a tired voice “You shouldn’t have said anything, I can’t go back to sleep now”.

Hmmm. Well, I had asked the neighbor to put himself out for us, and now it wasn’t needed. I went back over and knocked on his door (he had gone inside). He answered.

“Listen, I just wanted to let you know 2 things. #1, there was absolutely nothing wrong with what you were doing. I was asking a favor of you”

grunt

“#2, Gingy really isn’t able to sleep at all, so I am sorry I bothered you. It was my mistake. Thanks for stopping but please, play your guitar all you want, it won’t bother us.”

“I lost the mood” With that he swings the door shut (not slams, just swings) in my face.

Well fuck you too, buddy. Still, this whole thing left me with the feeling that I had been completely unreasonable, and I don’t see how. What do y’all think?

Why didn’t she go to another room?

[ouryL]

@Jess

Personally, I think he was rude – not in refusing to stop, but by being so cranky about it. From an etiquette perspective, it’s perfectly reasonable to ask a favor of a neighbor with whom you are on favor-giving terms. And, it’s also perfectly reasonable to refuse to do someone a favor – so long as you are polite about it. He could have said, “Gee, I wish I could oblige, but this is the first chance I’ve had to play all week. I won’t play any later than 10:00, though – I promise.” That would have been perfectly polite.

That said, since he has done you favors in the past, and been a good neighbor up to now, I would just give this incidence of rudeness a free pass. I’d just chalk it up to his having a bad day.

No, not rude, he was just told his guitar playing was iritating.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

@ouryL

Why didn’t she go to another room?

The only other places I could have slept were also at the front of the house. I would have heard it no matter which bed I was in.

[Sattua]

I vote a straight “be the hell quiet” ticket. Plumbing and light footsteps are the only sounds that can’t be reduced or eliminated.

[Cazzle]

I have some sympathy for both sides… while I appreciate that he was asked politely and it was no big deal, I know how cranky I get when I am interrupted when I am really relaxing and enjoying what I’m doing. I’d understand and I’d stop playing, but I’d probably have trouble concealing that I was annoyed - not so much annoyed at the interrupter so much as the *interruption[i/] if that makes any sense to you. It’s only been a couple of days since Mr Cazzle walked in while I was drinking a nice cup of tea and singing along with a favourite song and asked me to hurry up and get ready to go out - totally ruined my happy little moment, and I nearly bit his head off for it.

[Velma]

I can see both sides. I have been at that stage in pregnancy, in fact the little one is just now starting to sleep through so I know what it’s like to never be able to sleep! You will do just about anything to sleep for just a while! (that is so unfair about pregnancy - the last few weeks you can’t sleep and then you get a baby to keep you up just when you can sleep on your stomach again )

I don’t think you did anything wrong by asking him a favor, but I can see why he was annoyed too. Maybe he had been looking forward to playing for a while, then goes out and it’s such a nice night and he is really enjoying himself. It could have just been disappointment that he couldn’t play anymore that caused his reaction. Even if he can or does continue playing now he can’t enjoy it, knowing he is disturbing a pregnant woman. He was probably just upset that his pleasant evening was stopped, even though he probably knows that your request was not unreasonable. I have been known to be upset about things that were not really anyone’s fault, but I’m still disappointed about them. I bet he’ll get over it.

Good luck w/ the new baby - these last few days go on forever, don’t they?

[moi]

I blame it on Bad Neighbor Week in Baltimore. I had a similarly strange and unnecessarily confrontational meeting with our first-floor neighbor yesterday. Well, minus the pregnancy, but, y’know.

crossing my fingers for Ginger & Dave

[ouryL]

@GingerOfTheNorth

We don’t think the world revolves around us, but thanks for the assumption! Tell you what - you sleep for 2-3 hours a night TOTAL for a month and see how you like it when your napping is interrupted by shitty guitar playing about ten feet away from your head, okay?

So go to quiet hotel!!

I bet you’ll be a riot after you give birth!!

[Weirddave]

@ouryL

So go to quiet hotel!!

I bet you’ll be a riot after you give birth!!

Go to a hotel? Why? And waht does “riot after giving birth” mean? Are you sure you speak English? You’re not making much sense.

[CrazyCatLady]

This is a WAG, but since that comment appeared to be in response to Ginger’s comment about being unable to sleep in your house due to the neighbor’s guitar, I’m guessing the hotel was suggested as a place for you to get some peace and quiet so she can nap. I’d further guess the second comment means that since Ginger seems to be, um, just a wee tinge testy now due to sleep deprivation, she’s going to be even more so once the baby’s born and the sleep deprivation starts in earnest.

Out of curiosity, have you considered earplugs and maybe a sleep mask for napping? I had some difficulty adjusting to sleeping during the day when I started working nights and was…well, unbearable, frankly. I was so irritable I got on my own nerves. The mask and plugs didn’t really do much for the amount of sleep I got, but they significantly improved the quality of my sleep, and that was a huge help for my mood.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

@CrazyCatLady

Out of curiosity, have you considered earplugs and maybe a sleep mask for napping?

I was wearing ear plugs, and it was dark outside.

What bothers me most here is that people seem to assume I was being an unreasonable bitch. I woke up and got up, mentioned that someone was playing guitar and that I couldn’t sleep. The end. I did not ask Dave to go out and tell them to knock it off, I didn’t pull out a gun and start shooting neighbours, I didn’t say a word to anyone. I did not ask Dave to say anything. Got that, those of you who think I should have left my home?

[Amazon_Floozy_Goddess]

I also have mixed feelings on this issue. Ginger has every right to get a good sleep, and your neighbor has every right to play his guitar outside at a decent time…even if his playing is less than talented.

I think the best thing to do from here on is just to tolerate one another and try to see the other’s point of view. Your new baby, like all new babies, will make an awful lot of noise, undoubtedly disturbing your neighbor. My husband and I live in an apartment. Our former neighbors were a very nice couple with a cute one-year-old girl who made what are probably the most annoying, paint-peeling noises I’ve ever heard out of a baby. Very often this baby would make this ear-splitting, always-at-the-same-pitch “AAAAAAAA! AAAAAAAAA! AAAAAAA!” noise that went on for what seemed like forever. I felt sorry for the parents because I’m sure they must have been going out of their minds, but at the same time I felt like going over there and yelling, “YOU DECIDED TO HAVE A BABY! NOT US! WE SHOULDN"T HAVE TO LISTEN TO THAT GODDAMN NOISE! SHUT THAT KID UP OR I’LL GO CRAZY!!!” But, I didn’t go over and say that, because I knew they were in no way intending to disturb us with this noise. I’m sure we made our share of annoying noises - dishes clattering, loud footsteps, loud laughter - and they never said a word to us.

It may be best to just leave it alone.

[CrazyCatLady]

I don’t know that people are assuming you were being a bitch then, Ginger, but some of your responses here have been rather more curt than seems normal for you. If some of that communicated itself to Dave, it’s entirely possible that the neighbor picked up on that and thought you guys had a bug up your butts, which then contributed to his own insectoid rectal invasion.

This doesn’t seem all that unlikely a possibility, really; if you haven’t yet learned to communicate anger, frustration, and dire threats nonverbally, you are woefully behind on the mom learning curve. I’d suggest contacting my mother; she’s raised two kids and been teaching public school for thirty years, and that woman can give you a look that says, “If you don’t shut that sassy trap right now, missy, I am going to flay you alive.” She can strike fear into hearts of adults with that one. And she can do it over the phone. If anybody can get you up to speed in the next week or two, it’s her.

[Scissorjack]

@Trunk

Ya know, dave and ginger – I didn’t have to be such a dick about it.

Let me tell ya: I live in baby central. Every other hosue on my street has 1-2 kids between 0 and 3.

And with a lot of them, it’s always “baby-wants, baby-gets”. I have adult friends who will stop talking in the middle of a sentence to tend to a 3 year old without so much as an “excuse me”. And never return to the conversation.

Yes. That’s what being a reponsible parent involves. They may just have drawn all over the wall with orange crayons, they may be choking on a 5 cent piece. Sometimes we don’t have time for the niceties.

I have completely experienced the attitude of, “well, you don’t understand because you don’t have kids”, “you’d agree with this if you had kids”, and just an unwritten understanding that all things to do with baby take precedence over all things to do with adults.

Damn straight they do.

And that’s fine. Of course the kids are more important than I am to them. But what gets me is the plan-making followed by plan-cancelling, the kind of thing like I’m their friend on stand-by. The attitude that I should be happy to have their company whenever it’s comvenient.

“Trunk, let’s go to the movies tonight. she’s watching the kid”

“ok. lets go.”

last minute: “she’s not feeling too well. can you do it Friday?”

They’re not being an asshole, but it’s definitely a mindset of, “of course the rest of the world understands my situation and will accomodate me.”

Sorry, but if you’re dealing with parents with young kids, that’s gonna happen. He’s been crying all day, she’s knackered from dealing with it, and he’s knackered from coming home from work, cooking dinner, attempting to soothe child, and generally look after wife’s needs. Call it selfishness, but wife and kid{s} come first, second, and pretty much all other placings. It’s nothing to do with having you being happy to have them deigning to have your company when it’s convenient to them. Friends just come down on the list of priorities for a while, and you will need to adjust to accomodate that for a while if you wish to keep them as friends.

The OP struck me in a similar fashion.

Your post struck me as being somewhat pettily jealous: “But he was MY friend first! What about ME?” I’m sorry if this sounds harsh to you, I’m just giving you the perspective of a father of a two and a half year old.

[Trunk]

@Middlecase

Your post struck me as being somewhat pettily jealous: “But he was MY friend first! What about ME?” I’m sorry if this sounds harsh to you, I’m just giving you the perspective of a father of a two and a half year old.

It’s a fine line, but it’s not that way.

You’re never going to have buddies like you had in your 20s for drinking 2 nights and week, and watching football and getting wings on Sunday. All that stuff starts going way fast after you all start getting married anyway.

What I don’t like is the jerking around, or the assumption that I’m there for him whenever he wants it (that sounds gay), but he has complete freedom to change at any moment because he’s got a baby. Like the kid is a big trump card to EVERYTHING.

You’re probably thinking, “well, that’s just a jerk. it has nothing to do with a baby.” But, it does. He wasn’t like that before, and he’s not the only friend I have who is the same way.

As a matter of fact, tonight I’m seeing a 9:30 movie with this friend (who cancelled on Monday – that story was recent). He tells me yesterday that he’s not planning on staying out TOO late, maybe only get 3 or 4 beers after the movie. :eek:

I told him, “I’m not your beer monkey. I wasn’t planning on staying out at all after the movie.”

That’s all I’m saying. His attitude is, “I’m out of the house, so we’re doing it.”

And that’s all I was saying about the OP. Without a pregnant wife, I doubt Weirddave goes out front and says, “can you keep it down. I’m trying to watch TV.” or even, “can you keep it down, I’m trying to nap.” But that Baby has a way of completely changing the mindset.

---

Also, I’m not trying to make him sound like too much of a prick. He’s been a good friend for a while and we’ll always be friends. I’m really just say that people – who weren’t like that before – can get real tunnel vision after baby comes along.

[GingerOfTheNorth]

@Trunk

…I’m really just say that people – who weren’t like that before – can get real tunnel vision after baby comes along.

Perhaps you didn’t know, but this isn’t our first child. I don’t anticipate our lives changing all that much.

[CrazyCatLady]

Middlecase, that really seems rather one-sided. I think that “that’s just how it is when you have kids, so just suck it up” sort of thing is exactly what Trunk was getting at. Friendship, like any other relationship, is supposed to be a two-way street, not all one person condeding all the time just for the privelege of someone else’s company. You know, whenever they can fit you in around the important stuff in their life.

It is absolutely 100% unfair for a friend to expect to be a top priority when there’s a spouse or kids in the picture. I agree with you completely on that. I just think you’re forgetting that it’s absolutely 100% unfair to expect the spouse and kids to be a top priority in the friend’s life.

[Dante]

Um, isn’t comparing a fully grown adult playing a guitar to a crying infant kind of … oh, I don’t know … :smack:

“Listen, weirdkidnorth, would you mind terribly not crying right now? See, our neighbours are trying to sleep, and they asked if maybe the crying could wait until tomorrow? Perhaps the next day?”

Jeez louise, people, it’s not about the volume level!! A crying infant at 3:00 am could be just as loud as a neighbour having a party on his patio. Guess who I’m going to tell to STFU?

Good luck Ginger & Dave!

[Scissorjack]

@CrazyCatLady

I just think you’re forgetting that it’s absolutely 100% unfair to expect the spouse and kids to be a top priority in the friend’s life.

I agree. Parents DO get tunnel vision where their kids are involved; I certainly do - I’ve blown off a lot of stuff {parties, barbecues, basically most stuff that takes place after the sun goes down} because Lowercase will just fall asleep, wake up again crying, and be grumpy the next day, and at the moment his needs take priority. So yeah, he has cut into my {our} social life.

There again, I don’t expect him to be a priority for anyone else: friends and family know where our priorities lie, so we tend not to get invited to evening stuff, and that’s fine. It’ll change as he gets older, hopefully, but in the meantime I’m happy to let everyone else get on with their own thing, and don’t get affronted if we don’t get as many invitations as we used to. My real friends understand the situation, and know that while things are on hiatus for a few years, I don’t expect them to be at our beck and call. If they’re not there when we get back, so to speak, well, friends change, and the nature of friendships change.

[partlycloudy]

I’m replying to the OP without reading any of the replies… probably not the best idea, but there are just too many.

I think you did the right thing and the neighbor was just being a dick. So let him be a dick, and be confident that you did the right thing (after all, you’d be spineless if you just sat there and put up with it 'cos you were afraid to go talk to him). Some people just seem to have it out for the rest of us. (sigh) Making us reasonable, rational people doubt ourselves.

You could’ve sent the wifey over to talk to him. I bet he would’ve kept his mouth shut then. heheh…