We had our extended family get-together tonight, the one with the people you don’t remember how many N cousins X removed they are and all that nonsense, just that you see them every Christmas and maybe once at the lake during the summer. You’ll have to understand too, about my family, they’re, well, they’re what people on the internets call “fundies”.
Hard fucking core. Like, if you get sick you’re probably not “right with the Lord”.
That hard core.
So anyway, we’re doing the thing where everybody brings a gift (in the $15 range, of course) and you draw a number and get one out of the pile or steal one somebody else has already opened. We get started and someone gets a Clemson hat, someone gets some wind chimes, someone else gets a mall gift certificate, etc. My turn comes and nobody has anything I want and I think about just grabbing the kick-ass headphones I brough but I decided to go with the discretely wrapped smallish box, about the size of those boxes that new checks come in. Nobody is paying that much attention as I tear the paper away to reveal a vibrator. A little white vibrator with a small tip on the top.
I blankly look at random people in the room. I look at my mom who asks “What is it?” I’m fucking speechless. What am I going to do? Hold it up in the air and exclaim “Ha ha! A vibrator! Yessss!” The best thing to do would be to briefly hold it up in the air, say “a personal messager” and quickly put it under my chair and ask who’s next. No, that’s the shit you think of on the way home. I instead just sit there. This of course quickly gathers the attention of everybody in the room. Which makes the situation worse. I just turn the box over and blankly look at everybody in the room. Here’s where it gets bad.
I’m sitting by my great-aunt. It quickly becomes obvious she’s the one who bought it. She snatches it out of my hand, turn it on and starts rubbing it on my arm. “It’s a massager, I’ve got one at the beach, bzzzzzzzz it’s great on your neck” bzzzzzzzz and on your hands…" And she just rubs it up and down my arm. A fucking vibrator, humming away. I am absolutely mortified. I’ve never felt sick, embarassed and greatly amused all at once. After the embarassed giggles kind of die down, I go to the bathroom to splash cold water on my face. Here’s where it gets worse.
At the end of the night my mom traded me her electronic-sports-trivia game for it. :eek:
Well I know your mother, and she keeps telling me what a pain in the neck you are, so an electric massager seems just about right for her.
But that aside, just where would your great-aunt be able to pick up a vibrator and not know what it is? I’ve never seen a vibrator on the shelves of my local drugstore in a colorful little box sold as a “personal, hand-held massager.”
Are they ever actually marketed that way (either in a brink-n-mortar or over the web)?
Or does she have a secret night-life that the “fundie” family has yet to discover?
Yep, I’ve seen them in nice stores marked as personal massagers. Obviously, they don’t really look like a penis as much as the non-discreet vibrators would.
My ex’s sister got her daughter a “personal massager” for her 18th birthday. Her little brothers, ages 12 and 13 at the time, stole it from her dresser. Thank goodness I don’t deal with that family any more.
I can’t see these items be sold as anything other than vibrators. Especially considering that personal massagers (as you linked to) can actually be marketed as personal massagers.
Yes, I can see how some people would imagine… :D, but I can also see how people would purchase that product without actually imaging anything other than the pleasure of a simple massage.
I guess my point is that if I were to receive that product as a present, I would lean toward the pragmatic. If I wanted to relax at the end of a long day, kick back, and imagine… :D, I would probably go for something from the website to which I linked (and I linked to one of the more conservaticve products on that site, as I couldn’t see your great-aunt using one of the more realisticNot Work Safe products at the beach :eek: )
But then again, I’m male, so I wouln’t use either product. I use internet porn to relax at the beach.
So what you’re telling us is that your fundamental Christian great-aunt gave your fundamental Christian mother a personal massager which seems to be designed that it could easily be used in a Very personal manner (ifyouknowwhatImeanandIthinkyoudo).
This has got to be the most innovative way of keeping Christ in Christmas ever .
Also, the fact that you immediately thought “vibrator” shows that you have a dirty mind [Seinfeld] Not that there’s anything wrong with that. [/Seinfeld] It also suggests that perhaps your great-aunt does too :eek:
I once won a “personal massager” at a birthday party I attended… the box, on the outside, had a picture of a half-naked young lady, bent over provocatively, holding the “massager” against the side of her neck. Okay. As if that wasn’t bad enough… it had written all over the box, “Personal Massager! Great for relieving stress! Use on pressure points - neck, joints, aching muscles. Feel better instantly!”
Included with this “personal massager” were several “jelly sleeves”, and some small tubes of flavoured lubricant.
Yes. Of course. If I want to give my tonsils a massage, it will be so pleasing to the palate. And naturally, I’ll be sure to put on a frilly teddy before I massage my neck.
Oh, the icing on that cake? Also included was a small, slim, crystal clear “wand”, with a black cord attacked to one end. The instruction booklet said, simply, “Crystal wand may safely be inserted into anus.” :eek: :dubious: :eek:
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:eek: