Oh Lord, does that bring back a memory. I’ve used that line in the past, once while playing poker with some friends.
One of the guys pulled a particularly stupid move, and I said that line. He had a comeback, but the best part was how long it took him to realize just how badly he fucked up:
Him: <pulls very stupid move>
Me: “Real smooth, man…sheesh, I think I’ve eaten things smarter than you”.
Him: “What, like shit?? Ha! Burned you, dude! Hehehe…”
Everyone Else: <gawking, “you didn’t really just say that, did you?” looks>
It’s lost without the audio and visual; it must be seen and heard to get 90% of its impact. Spoken in the correct way, you have no doubt how condescending and belittling and “kiss mah assss” it sounds.
There’s an old joke about a Southern girl (S.G.) who shows bad manners so her parents send her to charm school over the summer. When she comes back she’s at a social event where other ladies are surrounding her.
Southern-Woman (SW) 1: “Lord, I just had the worst case of bursitis I’ve ever had in my life. It kept me up at night just about to cry in pain.”
SG: Why bless your heart!
SW2: I wish I had bursitis instead of having to plan my wedding. You wouldn’t believe how many caterers I’ve already called and none of them can do what I want done on the date I need it and I’m just ready to cry or start shooting!
SG: Why bless your heart, too!
SW3: Bursitis and wedding… ah, those were the days when I was carefree. You wouldn’t believe how bad it is trying to redecorate a house these days. Do you know that there’s not a single place in town that makes magnolia wallpaper and then the workmen dropped my new granite counter top and it cracked the marble tile on the foyer! I swear I don’t know why I try anymore!
SG: Oh my, why bless your heart most of all!
SW12and-or 3: So where have you been SG? We hadn’t seen you all summer honey!
SG: I’ve been at charm school.
SW: Oh really? How was that? Did they teach you anything good?
SG: Oh yeah. It was educational. They taught me that a lady only crosses her legs at the ankles, and that if you pass gas you excuse yourself by saying “Oh my, I seem to have the vapors”, and most importantly to say “Why bless your heart!” instead of “Who gives a flying fuck”.
It can mean other things as well (such as “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” or “Well aren’t you a little cockroach who needs crushing?”) but the above is the jist. It’s a southern female equivalent of Oy or Aloha in that it has many different meanings and levels of sincerity.
I believe Andrew Dice Clay was the pioneer of the first insult. At least, that’s where I first heard it from. His wording was different: “You’re a load that should have been swallowed” was his wording.
I wouldn’t be surprised if you’re right. I think I swiped the line from an ex who was a huge ADC fan. Healso learned the art of the Southern insult very quickly and used to like to say to guys “I bet those are the whitest teeth any guy’s ever come across!” rather than “bless your heart!” or “aren’t you pretty!”
A friend of mine used to say “Your lips are moving, but it’s all pops and buzzes to me.” I’ve reused that many a time.
I no longer have much cause for stuff like this, but I am a fan of “Your mom must be proud” or “Hey, if it makes you feel better about yourself to believe that, that’s what matters.”
One time my husband was rambling on and on about something architectural, and I (only half-jokingly) said I was going to give him a little bell. Then he could ring it before he said something I might actually find interesting, and I’d tune back in at that point. Since that day, one of us will gently say “ring a ling a ling” when the other one is going on about something tedious.
I use this at work:
“Thank you for explaining that to me. Having been educated at Cambridge and the Sorbonne, I am, as you know, exceedingly stupid.”
I stole this from the British guy on The West Wing.
That reminds me of another one stolen from The West Wing:
“No. Just stand there in you wrongness and be wrong and get used to it.”
