At the workplace, a bunch of us were talking about plans for Easter. They all said things like “having relatives over,” “going to grandma’s,” etc. They asked me what I would be doing, and I said “Staying indoors. That’s because when Jesus leaves his tomb and sees his shadow, we’ll get 6 more weeks of winter.” The group instantly scattered.
I ring up a customer’s purchases, and it comes to $144 exactly. He pays in correct change, and I say “That’s gross.”
Fortunately, he got the joke (If you didn’t, a dozen dozen is 144, and is called a gross).
I was discussing kosher animals with some folks, and someone said that although a giraffe is kosher, Jews don’t eat them because they’re unsure of where (on the neck) to slaughter them.
I responded (truthfully) that that’s not true, it’s just a matter of cost, but if we were willing to pay for one, a giraffe could certainly be properly slaughtered.
He asked, “OK, so where would one slaughter a giraffe?”
I responded, “Africa.” 
I’ve told this one in another thread.
I’m new at a job; a guy tries to palm his task onto me. I’m suspicious and ask “big boss”. Big Boss chews out guy for dumping his work and gives me correct assignment.
Me: So boss straightened that out. Didn’t know he was gonna chew you out.
Guy: I can’t believe you told him. You should be hung.
Me: I am.
Others around bust out laughing. Even the guy chuckled.
I was playing a pick-up game of D and D at a Con late one night, no figures, just the sheets. I was playing a dwarven character and had forgotten that fact when another player’s character snapped at mine about being greedy. “What do I look like, a dwarf?” I glance at my sheet. “I am a dwarf! (sit down, weeping) Mom never told me!”
When I met my future sister-in-law for the first time she looked at my brother and me before asking, “How far are you apart? You look so much alike.”
I answered politely, “Three years.” to which my brother instantly appended, “That milkman had the route for the longest time!”
Both his girlfriend and our mother started beating him about head and shoulders until he said, literally from the floor, “Totally worth it!”
OTOH, you are calling yourself out for not being a real fan. Otherwise, you would already know how your favorite teams’ rivals did. If someone with a Red Sox jersey asked me (a Yankee fan) on how the Yankees did, my response would be: “ask the person who you borrowed that shirt from”
A month back, my wife and I were leaving our favorite Mom & Pop Chinese buffet and my wife’s fortune cookie had no fortune in it. :eek: The next week, as we were paying and leaving, I mentioned this to Pop (he’s a real nice guy under 30), expecting something inscrutable or harbinger-of-doom-ish:
“My wife didn’t have a fortune in her cookie last week, does that mean anything?”
“No news is good news?”
:D:D:D
Larry and I would occasionally get into it at my old job. He was kind of a right-wing patriotic nut- said he loved Ollie North. Every time the US invaded some country, out would come the little flags that attached to his car windows. There was one day when everyone was supposed to wear clothing that had some red white and blue. When he accosted me about my lack thereof, I said, “I’ve got red and blue veins on my pecker!” He didn’t talk to me for a while after that.
More recently, an older coworker was trying to talk Bible with me. I said, “I prefer Superman comics”. She, too, didn’t talk to me for a while.
I was getting my hair cut, and the girl doing it asked me, “do you have many redheads in your family?” She snorted when I told her we had a redheaded milkman.
eta: DesertDog, I didn’t see your post before I wrote this. That milkman really gets around!
Something Bob Fosse knew full well.
Not my best, but definitely my most recent (from yesterday).
Four of us in a car. One guys pulls out a pack of gum and says, “anyone want gum? No? Ok, guess it’s just me.”
Me: “I guess that makes you the lone gum man.”
mmm
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?
This was online but I am inordinately proud of it:
One of my friends posted a picture on Facebook of an intersection in California with a completely redundant light pole system - two overhanging poles, each with their own stop light and street sign - and the street was Bristol Ave. I responded “nice pair of bristols!” and I only got 2 Likes for such an on-point quip.
Hey, at least you weren’t stomped.
Hey, if we get to do online stuff. A friend posted a picture of a moose walking along the side of a highway and she commented, “Look at the size of that moose.” I responded, “What is something you don’t want to hear the person looking behind you say.”
“What is something you don’t want the person walking behind you say” 
I’m at work, in the back of the store. It’s crowded and busy, and I get called to the front to open he register line. When I get to the front, the person calls me again because she doesn’t see me. I turn to her and say in my best Chanler Bing voice Could I be anymore at the front?
She didn’t get it, but the customer laughed.
Someone in our neighborhood runs a driver’s education business out of their home. I often see the Student Driver car on my way home for lunch or after work, puttering down the street at 10 mph. More often than not, the student drivers appear to be young Asian women.
The other day I saw the Student Driver car pulled over to the curb, then everyone got out of the car to switch positions. I blurted out “Chinese fire drill!”
My wife and I were talking to another couple about the animated movie Sing. Our friend was describing the plot, “So there’s this koala who has a concert hall, but the business is failing-” I interrupted her, “Of course it’s failing. He wasn’t koala-fied to run a business.”
Way back in college I was telling some friends about a sign I saw at a auto shop. It said “Loose Women Tightened Here”. I mused about how that was done. A friend replied, “adjustment screws”.
Driving on some back roads with my devout Catholic parents one day, we passed a series of signs that made up the Hail Mary. The first sign said “Hail Mary, full of grace”, a few hundred feet later, “blessed are you among women”, etc. We passed the last one, and my dad cheerfully said, “Burma Shave!”
I was talking to a married couple I know. The topic was religion, and the wife said something about someone or other who “doesn’t recognize the Pope.” Her husband, asked with mock incredulity, “How can you not recognize the Pope? Little old man with a big funny hat? Everyone recognizes him!”
The FedEx courier showed up around 9 AM with sixteen bottles of wine we’d ordered.
“Ah! breakfast at last”, I said.