A bunch of people were talking about eating healthy. My friend Dean, who is Greek-American, bragged that Greek yogurt is even better for you than regular yogurt.
I said, “I’m glad you’re proud of your culture.”
In the local library, a friend asked me if she should check out Patricia Cornwall’s book about Jack the Ripper. I told her an emphatic NO, pointing out that if your took out all the “might maybes” of the book, it would be a seven page pamphlet.
The librarian walking by cracked up. She had read it.
“I’ve got Motel 6 tastes with a Motel 5 wallet.”
I’m pretty sure you meant “waist to hip” ratio. The way you wrote it, her waist would be bigger than her hips.
I was 24 years old, about to get married in a few weeks. I was visiting my parents one weekend, and Dad stopped me for a private chat.
“Since you’re about to get married, your mother thinks I should talk to you about sex,” he said.
I replied, “Sure, Dad. What do you want to know?”
He paused, laughed, and said, “Okay, good talk.”
Not spur of the moment since the first time I used it, but one of my favorite corny sayings now is when a clerk is ringing up a purchase and I say “So, where am I in the state of I-Owe-Ya?” This usually gets at least a smile.
My mother and I were watching The Matrix the other day and she was puzzled about the motivations, goals, etc of the various players, with my explanations going farther and farther over her head.
When she asked why they wore sunglasses, I…determined to give an answer she would “get”… said,
"Cuz they’re COOL.
Was 20 or 21, working drive thru window at Dairy Queen.
The manager comes to survey my area (as he did like 30 times a shift as the perfect micromanaging, nitpicking turdbird he was) and I see him stop out of the corner of my eye. I scream internally and bite back my seething rage, and somehow manage a polite, “Yes?”
“You see anything wrong with this picture?” Commandant Turdbird asks.
I survey my post. Nothing. “Um, no?”
“Take a look again.”
This exchange occurs several times, until I finally state, with thinly veiled exasperation, “Just tell me what it is.”
He pointedly points to the ice cream machine lever, which was apparently slightly open, and a coil of vanilla ice cream is slowly oozing it’s way down to the catch tray.
I’d just had enough of his crap that day, so I replied to his pointing, deadpan, “I’m sorry sir. I don’t usually look for things that are six inches long and dangling.”
There were quite a few of my fellow employees pretending not to listen to the exchange, and you could see a wave of shock then quick attempts to stifle laughter.
At work, a woman named Sarah has a desk 20 feet from mine. Sometimes when I approach her to ask a question I’ll say, “Sera, Sera.” Last week when I did this, a new employee sitting in the desk right behind Sarah’s said, “That’s a really good song.”
“Ehh… it’s ‘kay.”
(Not great wit, but I managed to nail the delivery. It produced the ideal 2 seconds of mental wheel spinning, followed by chuckling from the three people listening.)
Likely not my best - I’m sure I’ve got better ones, just can’t think of them at the moment.
MRS. HOMIE: Why do people put their hands in the air on roller coasters?!
ME: 'Cause they just don’t cay-yure?
Okay, this one’s pretty good, in a Dad joke way. I approve.
I was walking around a popular small urban lake and there were a couple of Jehovas Witnesses sitting by the path with their board of brochures and a two very bored little kids. As I walked by I heard one of the adults say “I spy with my little eye, something beginning with P”
Before I even knew I was going to say it I heard “proselytising pests” fly out of my mouth. It was half a lap before I finished chuckling.
Hah - this reminds me of a friend’s wedding reception.
It was held at a country club in a posh section of town. As the wedding party was arriving, evidently the trail of bride / groom / bridesmaids entering the building briefly impeded some regular club members who had begun their “19th hole” activities while still on the golf course.
One of them was complaining audibly - dunno if the wedding party heard it, but other guests certainly did.
One of the other guests said to us “Instant Asshole - Just add alcohol!”.
I was present at a conversation between two co-workers. One of them had a reputation for dismissing hearings. He also had a habit of spelling it “dissmissed” when he wrote it.
“I can’t tell you to stop dismissing hearings. But at least learn how to spell it. It’s d-i-s-m-i-s-s.”
“There’s more than one way to spell dismiss.”
“There’s probably a hundred ways to spell it but only one of them is right.”