My heart goes out to you. That was a hurtful thing for your husband to say. True or not. He may be a jackass, he may even be verbally abusive; I think he is probably immature, somewhat insensitve and has his priorities all wrong. You asked a direct question he had some choices about answering it. He certainly could have been more tactful.
But it’s more than that. I would like to go back to the time you first noticed that your sex life had changed. I’m guessing you were comfortable with your body despite the imperfections that pregnancies and age sometimes bring. He, on the other hand, has changed his perception of you as an attractive sex partner. This is very unrealistic on his part. When he married you and you had babies together did he think you would retain your firm youthful figure forever? You’re both going to grow older too.
For what it’s worth, I’m over forty and a single mother of four; I don’t look too bad for my age, however, I’m clearly not hard-bodied starlet material. I have crow’s feet, my skin is losing it’s elasticity, and I have stretch marks that look like my belly has been run over by a tractor trailer. As my former husband was going out the door for the last time, he told me I was fat and out of shape. This was not only meant to hurt, but it was untrue. Nevertheless, when I started dating I had some real body issues. I was pleasantly surprised to discover that there are a few good men out there who can overlook my particular physical imperfections.
I totally understand your feelings. However, withholding sex isn’t going to solve the problem. What you want is for your husband to love you for who you are. You are not a pair of saggy breasts with a large bottom quadrant. You are his beloved wife who has inevitably changed physically over time. Just as he will. What about his love handles? What if his plumbing should go? Would you be so unkind?
This is a serious blow to your sexuality, your body image and your relationship. You can’t change your husband’s perception of your body. Only he can do that. In my opinion you need to go get some counselling. Find the right person, someone with whom you feel comfortable. Take it from there and all the best with it.
I’m not blind to what’s in the mirror. I realize that I’m not as young and pretty as I once was, I’ve never been a supermodel. Don’t take that the wrong way, I don’t have self esteem issues, I’m just realistic. But, I feel like he intentionally insulted me by comparing me to a cow. There were many things he could have said honestly that wouldn’t have been insulting. I mean, he could have said that he liked the way they looked in a bra or that he liked seeing cleavage. Utters ? That was designed to hurt.
Sex has been a problem in our marriage since the kids were born. He has asked for many things and gotten them, but he doesn’t return anything. When I try to talk to him about it, he insistes that he’s a good husband because he doesn’t cheat, doesn’t drink and isn’t physically abusive. I don’t do any of those things either. There’s a double standard here that he just doesn’t see.
That’s like me claiming to be a good person because I don’t kill, rape or steal. It takes more than the bare minimum to make a relationship work. I heartily second the notion others have had to get some councilling.
From where I’m sitting, dragongirl’s husband had no good options once he was asked the question.
He was left with either lying to her or hurting her. And if he had tried to lie, I’m sure it would’ve seemed insincere anyway – which would have hurt.
Dragongirl … turn the situation around: what would you have said in response? Now, don’t think about what you wouldn’t have said, but what you would have said. Given the history you’ve given us, what possible answer could he have given that would be both a) totally true and b) ego-boosting?
I just think that once the question was out of the bag, it was a no-win emotional situation for the two of you. Unlike many in this thread, I can sympathize both with you and your husband. He is definitely tactless and deserves some grief, but not as much as is being piled on here. IMO, once you asked him the question, your husband was in an untenable situation.
But this incident is clearly not the real issue. There seems to be plenty under the surface that needs to get addressed (as you are alluding to throughout this thread).
This does sound like a question without a good answer. If he’s not interested and honestly says so, it’s going to hurt, period. But that doesn’t excuse being intentionally hurtful. Like trying to be nice is so much to ask? dragongirl, I’m sorry he said something so insensitive. It really sounds like you need to get these issues dealt with.
Gosh, how totally rude. I’m sorry you had to experience that. hugs in a non-creepy way
You might say dragongirl gave him the choice to hurt her or lie to her… but if you trace it further back, by asking dragongirl to cover up, you could also say that her husband gave her the choice to wonder forever if he had issues with her breasts or to come out and ask and have it settled once and for all. I think the question probably had to be asked.
Then again, this is coming from someone who’s never been married, so what can I say?
The problem with the answer to the question lies in the reason the question was asked in the first place. If the father of the OP’s children finds the sight of her breasts so offputting that he wants them covered up during sex, there’s already something wrong with the relationship. You don’t even have to love somebody to desire them despite their physical imperfections.
I agree with everyone else who says the husband is an asshole, and an immature one at that.
I have to agree here. There was a problem in the relationship with dragongirl feeling neglected or disapproved of in some fashion & she initiated a dialogue to attempt resolving the problem. Her husband tossed out an insulting answer without taking a moment to think of a reply which might be less hurtful. Based on dragongirl’s account of the relationship, it doesn’t sound like this is anything new for her husband. If it were a one-time thing where he felt cornered & just blurted out the truth without thinking, I’d be a little more sympathetic towards him, but he has a history of being verbally degrading.
I definitely agree with the suggestion of counselling, and if the jerk doesn’t clean up his act, get the heck out of there - no one deserves to be consistently put-down by their partner or in such a one-sided relationship.
The guy’s comment as stated is utterly inexcusable. His double standard is appalling. His neglect of your emotional (and I’m guessing physical) needs is the worst of all.
Your marriage is in danger. And it should be: you deserve better. Whether from him–if it is possible for him to shape up–or from someone else.
The sex thing is beyond my place to talk about. However the breasts I can. Don’t know how much resources you have, but the missus and I have been talking about her getting implants.
I WAS NOT the one who originally brought it up in conversation. She was once a buxom lass and a few kids later…her breasts aren’t what they once were…neither is my hair, but…
It really, really bothers her and fortunately I was smart enough not to tell her what she see can see in mirror; because I honestly don’t care and I’m not a big believer in plastic surgery anyway. I wasn’t going to add weight to her issues with the mirror and time.
So she says, " Look I’m unhappy with this situation and I want them fixed…and a tummy tuck while they’re at it." I thought she was joking, she’s not.
So sooner rather than later, she’s gonna get fixed. Whether I want her to or not., is irrelevant Her choice, her body, her money.
My point being, that if you’re unhappy, the hell with your husband; he doesn’t live in your skin. If you’re unhappy and there’s a method to make yourself happy, then you should consider it. Even if he loves you just the way you are, if you don’t, then you need to do something about it.
If that means exercising, or droping a few pounds or saving up and having some implants, you should actively change your situation and not just live with it.
Make the mirror your friend, bend it to your will…the day you can’t bear to see yourself nude, is the day you lose a big piece of yourself.
Just curious. How long ago was your last child born?
You seem to be very realistic and a clear thinker. If he won’t listen, at least find someone who will listen to you… Lots of my girlfriends went for personal conselling and it did help their marriages. I had the drinking, lying cheating abusive husband… uh… so there was no hope of saving my marriage. But you might have a chance. Seems you have the brains in the family.
dragongirl, if it helps you to know that some woman in Florida is imagining kneeing your husband in the balls…
…then my work here is done. I’m only sorry I can’t be there for you in actuality. :mad:
When I first read the OP, I was going to make some smart-aleck comment and try to be funny.
But jeez, the fella should have been more appreciative of his wife’s body in the first place! She should never have felt the need to ask such a question!
Just wanted to clarify that the post quoted by Troy actually came from dragongirl, not me. (Don’t want people getting confused if they only read the end.)