"Your Dirty Faggot Neighbors"

The BBQ Pit
1

To the Chair of my co-op’s Gardening Committee:
My former neighbour was a real ass. He never spoke to us. He left little rude notes on our door. He even called the bylaw rent-a-cops on me and my husband once. (We appearently were being too loud.) He didn’t even let us know it was a problem. Hell, even the co-op’s administrator found him rude and demanding.

So we were overjoyed when he finally moved out! And two of the nicest people I’ve ever met moved in. Who happen to be gay. They wear wedding rings. They refer to each other as spouses. And I think that’s great. They are two of the coolest people on the planet.

But you have some sort of bug up your ass. Or tapeworm. Or something. You keep referring to them as “Those people.” You treat them in the rudest manner possible, giving them the dirtiest looks I’ve ever seen. You wouldn’t give them a garden plot until I asked on their behalf. And to top it all off, you said to me last week, “I don’t want your dirty faggot neighbors outside with us. You never know what one of them might do.”

I’m not sure what that’s supposed to mean. Is the implication that they would hit on you, or assult you or something? OK, let me explain, you old diseased harpy. THEY’RE GAY. It means they like GUYS. Understand? They wouldn’t touch you with a ten foot pole. Even if they weren’t gay, they still wouldn’t get with a fifty foot radius of you, you stinky, smug, leprous, vile, vicious bitch!

And yes, I did bake them a pie as a house warming gift, and I’m proud of it. You acted like it was the end of the world as we know it, but you know what, I DON’T CARE! And I gave them my house key for a week or so to check on my cat! Your prediction of “Expect things to go missing.” didn’t come true, did it?

I don’t want to hang around you anymore. I’m sick of the way you talk about them. I’m sick of the way you treat them! I don’t know why I didn’t tell you this earlier. FUCK OFF! I’m not helping you out anymore, consider me OFF the gardening committee.

You may have realized recently that I’ve not been available to help you out with your gardening projects any more. Please stop asking me when I’ll come out again. Because I won’t be coming out to help you again. Ever. Do you understand? Do you need me to spell it out for you? What part of NO do you not understand, the “NNN” or the “OOO”?

Do the whole world a favour, fuck off and die.

(Whew. I had to vent a little. Excuse me.)

2

Well, bravo for quitting the committee, but I think I would tell the syphaletic old whore why you’re not coming back.

If you’re going to take a stand, you might as well make it a vocal stand, I always say! Mind you, my condo association considers me only about 1 step away from actually being Satan, so I may not be the best person to get advice from. :smiley:

3

At least you have nice new neighbors :slight_smile:

4

What, was the biddy scared they were going to make cornholes in the garden?

5

You baked them a pie?

Jeez, why don’t you just have a kinky threesome in the middle of the street, you whore of Babylon, you!

6

How else are you supposed to plant corn?

7

Baking them a pie reminds me of the scene in Blazing Saddles, where the lady bakes a pie for Sheriff Bart, and tells him that the town is 100% behind him. As she’s leaving, she says “You will have the good grace not to tell anybody about this, right?”

An elderly lady was telling us about the couple who lived in the corner house down the street. Even though there was nobody within 50 yards of us, she whispered when she said “We didn’t like them. They were lesbians.” No wonder nobody on the street likes her.

8

“I don’t go to the theatre.”

Why not?

“It’s got a bunch of them dern thespians in it.”

9

I wish I had those “dirty faggots” living next to me instead of the straight asshole I have as neighbor.

10

Expect things to go missing? Did I miss the surge in gay-on-straight crime? As a bisexual, should I worry about my gay half stealing things from my straight half?

What a flippin’ skanksack. Keep supporting your neighbors, not just because you’re a good person, but because it gets under that old bag’s skin. Heck, stick one of them thar rainbow sticker on your car (the nice long understated ones).

11

I don’t know where you live, but I wonder whether your state or locality has any laws regarding discrimination in housing based on sexual orientation.

12

I can’t really see how that would apply. It’s just one stupid bitch as far as I can tell, the rest of my building gets along with them fine. (As far as I can tell, anyway.) And I believe it says in the co-op’s housing rules that no applicant may be discriminated against based on sexual orientation.

I’m in Ottawa, Canada, by the way. :slight_smile:

13

Dear Abby: [We’re upset because some gay people just moved in next door.] What can we do to improve the quality of the neighbourhood?
You could move.

  • Abigail Van Buren

(May I suggest, if possible, finding a copy of that column and sending it to her?)

14

Well, just last week the gay mafia sent some of their enforcers around to my place while I was at work. You should have seen the damage they did. Now I have to deal with an apartment where the drapes match the curtains and compliment the furniture. The end tables hold potpurri dishes and knicknacks. Can you believe it? - fucking knicknacks in my apartment. Dammit, where’d my elk head go? What about my budweiser neon sign? Someboby’s going to pay, I tell you.

15

I really, really wish I could say that I was shocked.

If it’s any consolation, just having one person in the neighborhood who behaves like that is probably a welcome relief for the couple; it’s better than the usual status quo. And having a neighbor as supportive and welcoming as you are is a massive bonus.

16

Good for you, Stephi!

People like you who are willing to take a stand make the world a better place, whether it’s for gay or straight.

17

There’s no reason for an attitude like that.

This woman needs to have neighbors like my former neighbors: the epitome of white trash, absolutely FILTHY and loud, drunken parties in the middle of the night. The whole neighborhood rejoiced when they left.

Then she’d be happy to have neighbors like yours.

Hell, I’ll live next to anyone if they play their music at a reasonable level and keep their yard free from broken down cars …

18

Isn’t it obvious? If you’ll fuck another man up the ass, you’ll clearly do anything. All bets are off.

(Here’s where I’d put a rolleyes so it was absolutely clear that I was being silly, but I hate the rolleyes, so I’ll just type the words out instead. Takes a little longer, but it’s worth it.)

19

Hey Beeblebrox, watch your step, capisci?

It would be a shame if you wound up in the river wearing cement pumps.

20

Oh, and Stephi - if I mail you some Lea Delaria CDs, would you have your neighbours over for coffee and cake and raunchy dyke comedy? They’d love it, it would be something nice to show that not all their neighbours are like that (which I bet they would really like to hear at this point), you’d instantly be adored as the best kind of fag hag, and maybe the Evil Bitch of Death would overhear the comedy and melt or burst into flames or something.