I have one taped to my monitor at work: 
You will spend old age in comfort and material wealth.
Yes, the smilies are part of the fortune.
Mmmm, zombie cookie thread.
New business opportunities await you
(in bed)
Which is funny enough in and of itself. But when it’s your 75-year-old grandmother (well, Typo’s grandmother) who gets that cookie, it’s an occasion for much hilarity.
“Grandma!! We didn’t know you were into that kind of work!!!”.
She howled right along with the rest of us.
Not funny, but apposite: while writing my PhD thesis at the end of a long and tortuous grad school career, “Time is precious, but truth is more precious than time”.
JRB
My 84 year old neighbor got a fortune, with an extra, hand-written note on the back “Fuck you yankee dog” She got her meal free.
Well, the cookies were brought out with the check. I mean, I knew that I was going to be offered a job- that was the whole point of the lunch- but getting that fortune was kind of mind-blowing.
“There is a difference between between being alone and being lonely.”
My favorite “…in bed.” ever. I carry it yet in my wallet.