What’s brown and rhymes with Snoop?
(Dr. Dre)
A baby seal walks into a club.
What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
Bunny poot.
Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: Nothing. It just let you a little wine.
Win.
Two cows are sitting in a field and one cow says, “What do you think of this mad cow disease” and the other replies, “What should I care? I’m a helicopter”.
Two eggs frying in a skillet. One says “hot in here, isn’t it?” The other says “fuck me, a talking egg!”
My favorite short jokes typically involve Gary Coleman, Emmanuel Lewis, and Michael J. Fox.
Not really jokes but short funny phrases I have seen on t-shirts:
FREE TIBET! (with the purchase of another tibet of equal or greater value)
WWJD (for a klondike bar)?
South Korea’s got Seoul
Triple Nerd Score
Camping is In-tents
Charles Napier: Peccavi.
What’s orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!
Two guys walk into a bar - you’d think the second one would’ve ducked.
Did you hear about the butcher who backed into the sausage grinder?
He got a little behind in his work.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
What do you call a dog with no legs?
Doesn’t matter what you call it, it isn’t going to come.
What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
What is the difference between a dog and a well-dressed man?
A well-dressed man wears a 3-piece suit. The dog just pants.
What happened when the red ship ran into the blue ship?
Both crews were marooned.
Yeah, I’m a hit at the kids’ table!
One of the greats.
I’ve always wanted to get the bumper sticker that says REUNITE GONDWANALAND. Even though 99% of people would have no idea what I was talking about.
“I got fired from the butcher’s for putting my dick in the bacon slicer.”
- “Oh my God, what did they do with the bacon slicer?”
“Oh, she got fired too.”
Britain’s ultimate one-liner comedian - Jimmy Carr
From a recent film:
“A black, a Mexican and a Jew walk into a bar. The bartender says, ‘Get the fuck out of my bar!’”
Ron White had the same experience with a pickle slicer!
My contribution:
2 short jokes and 1 long joke.
jokejoke jooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooke.
People used to laugh at me when I said I wanted to be a comedian. Well, no one is laughing now.
How do you make a skeleton?
Put a leaper in a wind tunnel.
How do you make sausage?
Put a sock at the end of the tunnel.
A rabbi, a priest, and a minister walk into a bar. Two hours later, they walk out with a better understanding of each others’ point of view.
What do you call a black guy who flies planes?
A pilot. What the hell’s wrong with you?
Priest and rabbi are sitting on a park bench when a child walks by.
The priest asks, “See that little boy? Care to fuck him?”
The rabbi, “Out of what?”