Desperately need one liners and short jokes.

In My Humble Opinion
1

We are putting together our work newsletter and we usually include a couple of funnies to keep the readers amused.

My boss has just given me a book of one liners that he was given by our newsletter publisher. Unfortunately it’s really not suitable eg:

*“A secretary is someone you pay to learn to type while she looks for a husband.”

“The overworked prostitute made two appointments for the same time. She managed to squeeze them both in.”*

Rather than go back to my boss and say the contents of the book could be offensive to our readers (they were to me), I would like to give him some alternative options.

What I’m looking for is stuff that’s mostly PC (I don’t want to offend our readers) and fairly upbeat. So can the Teeming Millions help me out, please?

2

Leechy, the more I read about your boss, the more I despair! :smiley: :frowning: :rolleyes: :smack: :smiley:

3

Maybe not appropriate for work, but I’ll post it just because I like it:

The dyslexic insomniac agnostic stays up all night wondering if there is a dog.

4

Or how about a series of “a guy walked into a bar” jokes. There are plenty of inoffensive ones:

A guy walked into a bar. It hurt.

A horse walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Why the long face?”

A grasshopper walked into a bar. The bartender said, “Hey! We’ve got a drink named after you.” The grasshopper said, “You’ve got a drink named Irving?”

5

would the “guy with no arms and no legs” jokes be offensive? there are pleanty of those…
what do you call a gwnaanl:
at a concert?
-mike!
tacked to the wall?
-art!
in a cemetary?
-doug!
on the porch?
-matt!

etc. and then, what do you call a girl with no arms and no legs on a barbecue?
…patty!

the more i think about it, though, the more the mental imagery disturbs me. but maybe you could still use them. good luck!

6

I always like this one.

Two guys walked into a bar. The third one ducked.

What’s brown and sticky. A stick.

A rabi a priest and a leprechaun walk into a bar. The leprechaun says, “Crap I’m in the wrong joke.”

Remember… you said pc not funny.

7

lol that one cracked me up :stuck_out_tongue:

I like the guy walking into bar jokes. Think they would appeal to our members to.

Thanks everyone who’s responded so far.

8

Wanna’ hear a dirty joke?
A horse fell in the mud.

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?
AAARRRRHHH!

Knock-knock.
Who’s there?
Disappointing George.
Disappointing George who?

9

I know I’ve seen this thread before, minus the, “can’t be really offensive” clause. I’ll look for it.

10

What do you call a fly with no legs?
A walk.

How many mice does it take to screw in a ligtbulb?
Two. The tricky part is getting them in the lightbulb.

What happens when four bullfighters walk into quicksand?
Quatro Sinko. (cinco)

11

Big List

Clean One Liners

My favorite

12

There was a batch of muffins in the oven. One said “It sure is hot in here.” The next one said “Holy shit, a talking muffin!”

I stole that from a bad joke thread somewhere on this board.

13

Why are elephants big and grey and hairy?

Because if they were small and white and smooth, they would be aspirin.

14

A priest, a rabbi and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, some kind of a joke?”

15

I just ate in the new resturant on the moon. The food was good but there was no atmoshpere.

16

Why did the chicken cross the Mobius strip?

17

I’d give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

18

What did the grape say when the elephant sat on it?
Nothing, it just let out a little whine.

Why did the Bee have his legs crossed?
He couldn’t find the BP station*

*May only make sense to Australians.

19

Elephant jokes are always good.

What’s the brown stuff between an elephant’s toes?
Slow natives.

How do you have sex with an elephant?
When he steps on you, you’re fucked.

What’s grey and comes in quarts?
A Timex. (better to tell this one aloud.)

20

OK, I tried it out loud, and I tried it softly to myself, and I tried it on the kids and I tried kneeling down and praying it to the heavens, but I STILL DON’T GET IT.

Colour me thick perhaps, or, better still, pleeeease tell me what I’m missing here!!