When a mosquito hits a car’s windshield, what’s the last thing that goes through its mind?
Its ass!
(Supposedly true story)
Woman seated next to Calvin Coolidge at a dinner: “I made a bet today that I could get more than two words out of you.”
Calvin Coolidge: “You lose.”
A termite enters a tavern and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
Any about laughing gas?
NO!
There are two kinds of people…Those who can interpolate from incomplete information and
Nerdiest joke I know:
Q:What does the middle initial in Benoit B Mandelbrot’s name stand for?
A: Benoit B Mandelbrot
I’m only 5 feet, so I get a lot of short jokes, but I usually don’t think they’re funny. I guess they just go over my head.
What do you call a cow with two legs?
Lean beef
What do you call a fish with no eyes?
Fssshhh
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No idea (no eye deer)
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no idea.
What did zero say to eight?
Nice belt
What’s the difference between a coyote and a flea?
One howls on the prairie, and one prowls on the hairy
After one of the earlier posts I just knew this one was coming.
What’s the difference between an escape artist and a striptease artist?
One has a cunning stunt, and the other…
Why can’t atheists solve exponential equations?
They don’t believe in higher powers.
There’s a fine line between the numerator and the denominator.
Why do the Lannisters have such big beds?
They need two twins to make a king.
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.
She looked surprised.
Old people poke me at weddings and tell me “your next” So I started doing the same thing to them at funerals.
What do you call a sexist masseuse?
A massagynist.
Did you hear about the blind circumciser?
He got the sack.
I like my bread the way I like my women…
French and covered with butter.
I just invented a new word: plagiarism.
I saw some snails fighting in my driveway.
They were really slugging it out.
Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally, Not Wally,Not Wally…
from the Where’s Wally Audiobook
Wife: “How would you describe me?” Husband: “ABCDEFGHIJK.” Wife: “What does that mean?” Husband: “Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot.” Wife: “Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?” Husband: “I’m just kidding!”
Why do Americans spell “colour” without the U?
Because they freed the U.
What do Pink Floyd and Princess Diana have in common?
Their last big hit was the Wall.