Your favorite short jokes

Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
101

A man submitted ten puns to a newspaper contest, hoping one would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Did you hear about the king who lived in a grass castle and got crushed when his spare throne fell through the attic? Well you know what they say, those who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones!

Did you hear about the painter who tried to save money by adding water to his paint when he was helping renovate the old church? Evidently a lightning bolt came down from the sky and a booming voice yelled, “Repaint, and thin no more!”

102

What happened to the girl who backed into a fan? Disaster!

And this, so help me, I heard in Scotland:
What has four wheels and flies? A corporation dustbin.

103

This reminds of the man who was throwing stones at the birds on the beach. He wanted to leave no tern unstoned.

Later he was lying face down on the beach with his bathing suit off. He wanted to leave no stern untoned.

104

The bartender is also a horse.

105

So THAT’s how the rest of the joke goes!

106

How about potassium, then?

K.

107

I’m a pharmacy tech, so LOLOL!

108

Ken Kesey, author of One Flew Over The Cuckoo’s Nest, was in the habit of throwing Acid parties at his home in the hills. At the entrance to his driveway was a sign saying “No Left Turn Unstoned”
(allegedly TRUE story!)

109

Corpse #1:
Corpse #2:
Corpse #1:

110

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my Grandpa, not screaming in pain and terror like the passengers in his car…

111

Just saw this one on Tumblr:

The past, present and future walk into a bar. It was tense.

112

Then the subjunctive walked in, turned around and walked out again. Wrong mood.

113

A buzzard enters a jetliner with a dead raccoon under each wing. The flight attendant says. “Sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.”

114

A man walks into bar. He says ouch.

115

Hear about the new JR Tolkein movie starring Bruce Willis?

Called “Old Hobbits Die Hard”

116

have you seen Stevie wonder’s new house? Neither has he!

117

Nothing is better than sex.
A ham sandwich is better than nothing.
Therefore, a ham sandwich is better than sex.

118

They’re remaking Free Willy. The new version will be called Catch Willy and Make Him Do Tricks.

119

What do you call a guy with a rabbit up his ass?
Warren.

120

What’s the difference between a grade school and an ISIS training camp?

Beats me, I just fly the drone.